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I knew all of that before I watched the video of him and her. He hadn’t accomplished anything that I hadn’t done before.
I’d made her crave me.
I’d made her lose all control and sanity.
But I hadn't done it like he had. He had fucked her, in every sense of the word. It had been a ravaging—like he needed her body just to breathe.
She had loved it. And loved him. Loves him.
I have to consider the fact that I am trying hard to remove a part of me that she might require.
Her name disappears from the screen, and I can't keep driving forever. Eventually, I'll have to go back and face her, and I’m terrified that I will look at her and see disappointment in her eyes that I'm not Lee.
Maybe she won't, but it's hard to know because we’re so disconnected right now. We're sleeping on opposite sides of the bed and skirting around topics, and I know the emotional distance is on me but … shit. That man—Lee—he didn’t have any emotional distance from her. On that video, in that short period of time, they were closer than we’ve been in weeks, and I hate him even more for it.
I focus on the road and make the engine roar loud enough to drown out my thoughts.
Chapter 85
There is one piece of good news in all of the bad. Brant's hypnosis has not brought any other personalities out to play. Lee is, at the moment, the only soul between us and normality.
Now, I have to stop screwing around and do what needs to be done. The plan is for me to do a clean and stern breakup with Lee—without involving his penis this time—and then ignore him for the next five or ten sessions. We believe that will be long enough for him to give up and sulk off into a corner of Brant's mind where he may never resurface again. Dr. Terra says a DID mind creates alternative personalities to protect the primary, or to act out in a way that the primary won't allow. If the primary can fill that void by himself, the alternative personality may disappear altogether.May. A short word that carries so much weight. Other possibilities ... Dr. Terra won't discuss any other possibilities. He says our awareness of those possibilities increases the likelihood of Brant's mind exploring those paths, seeing them as alternative outs that will only delay things and drive us all bonkers.
So today, I'm going to end it in a way that leaves no doubt in Lee's mind. Not like last time. I’m mortified by what happened, what was caught on the camera, and watched by Dr. Terra and Brant … I swallow, trying to keep the cucumber roulade I’d eaten for lunch down.
I am an intelligent woman, one who is traditionally in control of her emotions, but Lord help me, I cannot look in that man's face—Brant’s face—and pretend I don't love him. I can’t see that level of anguish and pretend that I don't care. If he touches me, I can’t stay unaffected, but I must try my best. I must hold a tight and unflinching front.
I settle into the chair and Brant gives me a tight smile. He rubs his palms together as if to warm them and he is as nervous as I am.
I take a deep breath as Brant lies down on the dark blue couch, and it’s a new couch. I wonder what happened to the other one and when they moved it out of here. It feels like a question I should ask, but would he sense my desperation in it? Because I suddenly want that couch. I want to move it downstairs into our love den, and I want to lie on it naked and close my eyes and touch myself to the memory of our last time together, whenever I want to.
Instead it’s gone, like it never happened, and that’s probably why Brant got rid of it, because the sight of it likely reminded him of what Lee and I did on it.
“Layana?” Brant cranes his head back and looks at me. “Are we going to start?”
“Of course.” I force a smile and begin the hypnosis script.
* * *
When Lee comes out this time, it is different. The fight is weaker in his eyes. He doesn't immediately reach for me, doesn't bound to his feet. He suddenly seems like an old man in Brant's body, and I am both heartbroken and hopeful at the change. This is what Dr. Terra said would happen, that Lee would grow weaker and weaker with each session.
I don't move from my spot in the chair. I sit there and feel like I'm watching him die, and in a sense, I am. A minute passes, and it’s agonizing. I’m close to speaking when he finally clears his throat and begins.
"I'm not smart. Not compared to you and Brant."
Just a sentence in and already the tears are coming, welling in the back of my throat and leaking from the corner of my eyes. I swore that I wouldn’t cry, was going to pin down all emotions and keep everything professional—but I’m already unraveling, just from the gruff sound of his voice.
"I’m guessing that you two have a plan. Some way to remove me."
I look down, breaking the eye contact. A tear streams down my cheek.
"What is it? What's the plan?" He sighs as if the weight of the question is heavy.
"You already know I need to break up with you." My voice wobbles and I swallow, forcing myself to straighten up my posture and look him in the eye. Emphatic, that’s what I need to be. Emphatic and confident. Damn, he's handsome.
"And then? When I fight it?” He hunches forward, gripping one fist in the other, his face tight, voice strained. “When I come out every time his mind loses control—what then?”
We are over, Lee.That’s what I supposed to say. The words stick on my tongue and I inhale deeply, then force myself to deliver them.
