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“And that will fix it?” Brant asks.
The doctor hesitates. “Well, I believe that eventually, Lee will either fade away or that parts of his personality will merge with yours. It’s not a guarantee, but it’s likely, depending on how Lee responds to the therapy.”
Brant responds in minute ways that would be invisible to most people. There’s a slight pull of the skin around his mouth. A bulging of the veins on the back of his hand as he grips the pen tighter, then writes something down.
…depending on how Lee responds to the therapy.It’s safe to say that right now, out of the three of us in this room, I am the one that knows Lee best. My hypothesis? He’s not going to respond well.
Brant carefully places the pen and the notebook on the black desk and then meets Dr. Terra’s eyes. When he speaks, it is with careful and thoughtful precision. “It just doesn't feel like someone else is inside of me. Could she be wrong?”
He doesn't look at me. We’re sitting right next to each other, our knees brushing underneath the conference table, yet we’re a hundred miles apart.Could she be wrong?What he was really asking was if I was lying. A month ago, I would have been offended, but right now, I didn’t have the energy to care.
The doctor doesn’t react, maintaining his level of warm professionalism. “Everything you’ve shared so far is consistent with DID, including your inability to feel the other personalities or be aware of them. You may not know Lee yet, but you will before this process is over, assuming you participate in my suggested therapy program."
"I'll participate. I want to do whatever I can to get it out.”
The bite in his voice puts me on edge, as does the word 'it' in regard to Lee.
"It'll take both of you. I'll need Layana’s help to speak to Lee and to convince him to leave."
I look up. "Convince him to leave?" I have never convinced Lee, in two years, to do anything. Every interaction was a struggle and my only success in any manipulation of him had been the coordination of the Molly breakup.
"Yes. We can't force him out of Brant's life. It will only be successful if Lee is willing."
I nod, like it will be easy. "I'll do whatever I can to help." Just like when I was young, I say what’s expected of me, and swallow the rest. I nod again, my features calm, and try to figure out how I feel about Lee leaving me forever.
Brant leans forward, his forearms resting on the table. "And I don't want you to refer me to a specialist. I want to work with you, here. For the next few months at least. We’ll pay anything. Handle all of your housing, transportation, food. We have a research lab that you can use as a medical office, and we can provide you a receptionist, staff, whatever you need.”
I smile politely, knowing that it will happen, that Brant will convince Dr. Terra to abandon any other commitments and make himself available, just as money and influence makes everything else operate properly in our world. I sit quietly, one ankle crossed over the other, my hands in my lap, and try to unravel the tangled pile of thoughts that are infesting my brain. Somewhere, in all of that, there is how I truly feel about this, but I’m a little afraid—very afraid—to discover what that is.
Stop. I force the turn of my mental gears to skid to a halt. It doesn't matter what I want or whom I may love. My happiness is sacrificial in order to save Brant. I watch the doctor's mouth move and try to catch up to the current place in the conversation.
Chapter 79
TWO MONTHS LATER
"You're breaking up with me?" Lee stares at me, his hands tight on the metal chair’s arms, his face hollowing as he bites the inside of his cheek, a nervous gesture I suddenly recognize as unique to him, and a tic that I will miss. There are so many, and this conversation has been a catalog session of ones that I will need to learn to live without ever seeing again.
I’m going to miss the way he sometimes drops his eyes when he asks a question, as if he is afraid of the answer. Miss the way his smile pours through his eyes and the sexual confidence that soaks his movements. I'll miss the way that he is the dominant, most cocky man I have ever met, yet is deeply insecure in a way that hurts. He has been terrified of rejection since the day I met him. And now, in a room he doesn't recognize, the psychiatrist's new office cold and impersonal, his fears are becoming a reality.
"Lee, try and relax," Dr. Terra says, speaking from behind us.
I wince at the sound of the doctor's voice. He needs to shut up. He shouldn't even be here. I told him that. Told him that this is a private moment, one that will go over better if there isn't a party to Lee's rejection. Especially not someone who feels the need to interject. But they—the doctor and Brant—were worried about my safety. They thought the doctor and his sedative should be present, in case it needs to be used.
In case Lee gets violent.
He won't. Iknowhe won't, not with me. I told them that, screamed it at them, but they refuse to listen and here we are—Lee and me ... and the doctor.
As if on cue, Lee turns his attention to the man.
"I'm sorry, but who thefuckare you?" In three long steps Lee has the man's throat in his hand, the doctor on his toes and backed against the wall of the examination room. His face is close to Dr. Terra’s and his entire body trembles with rage as he glances over at me, ignoring the delicate tendons pinned underneath his hand. "Are you fucking serious, Lay? You're breaking up with me? For that rich dick?"
I stare into Lee's eyes the entire time. It was a lifeline between us, as strong as a wire, held taut as the doctor fumbles a hand into his pocket. I don’t move, don’t breathe as Dr. Terra withdraws the syringe and stabs it through the thin green cotton of Lee's shirt.
He flinches and I stay in place, watching as betrayal seeps into his eyes and he glares at me like he hates me and loves me and needs me, all at the same time. I stare at him and watch as his eyes close and he lets go of Dr. Terra and slumps to his knees, then falls forward on his face on the dark grey carpet.
Chapter 80 - Brant
Ever since finding out my condition, I've read everything I can find on Dissociative Identity Disorder, my research hampered by the fact that there is little on the subject. What I have read is troubling, made more so by a likely omission that my mind will not reveal.
