AllFreeNovel
Share Us
"What I just remembered ... that was me. Me peering into another world that makes no rhyme or reason.I did that. I hit her over and over, like she was a punching bag. It had been like a game, one that I played until I was bored of it. My mother..." His voice drops and he reaches up and pinches the skin between his eyes. "My mother came home and found me on the couch, watching television, eating popcorn, with Jillian’s fuckin' blood on my hands." He lets out a hiss. "I remember it like it was me, even though it wasn't. Why am I suddenly remembering that? After twenty-seven years of nothing."
"Do you know Lee? Remember any memories of his?" I am almost scared of the answer, of watching his reaction to Lee's memories.
He shakes his head. “I don’t know anyone named Lee. No. I have ... nothing, Layana. One memory, that's it. But fuck, that's enough. After that, I don't want any more."
I squeeze his hand and release it. "Let's go inside. Stop thinking for a bit and let me baby you."
* * *
Anna has earned every bit of her generous salary. We walk into a house that smells of food and home, the staff ducking out of the rooms upon our arrival. Brant sits down at the kitchen table and doesn’t say a word. His fork starts moving, and there is no sound but the scrape of his fork against the china and the quiet sounds of him chewing. His eyes are on the plate, his chair pulled close to the table, and within five minutes, a lobster and spinach omelette and two waffles are gone. When he finishes, he stands with a quiet cough and wipes his mouth with a linen napkin. "Please tell Christine thank you for the food."
"I will. Anna prepared the spa, if you want to soak in the hot tub.”
“I'll just take a shower.”
I nod and smile. "Of course."
Suddenly we feel like strangers, two lovers awkward in their own home. I don't know what to say to him and he seems embarrassed, all over a situation I have known about for years. I want to hug him. I want to pull out his fears and lay them to rest. Kiss him and tell him I will always love him. But he has a cloud around him, one that screams 'don't touch!’ So I stay in place and watch him head for the bedroom.
I reach for his plate and Anna scurries around the corner. "Let me get those, Ms. Fairmont."
"Thanks." I drop my hand and sigh. "Did you reach the doctor?"
"Yes, she'll be here within the hour."
"Good. Please show her to our room when she arrives.”
"Certainly."
Having no more purpose in the kitchen, I walk to our bedroom, easing open the door quietly before stepping inside. The lights are off and the black-out shades are down, the only illumination coming from the glow in the hearth and a flickering candle beside the bed. There’s the crackle of the fire and the comforting smell of vanilla and coconut. I pass through and enter the bathroom, checking to see that towels are heating. Then I sit on the teak bench beside the tub and stare at the fogged glass of the steam shower.
I stare at the blurry movement behind the glass and try to guess at what this man wants. I have no idea what his thought process must be. I’ve tried to put myself in his shoes, but the situation is so foreign. I can’t connect with the idea of not knowing what I’ve done or how long I will be present in this psyche. I know how much unknown I have to accept as his girlfriend and how hard that is. How much trust I have to put in the Brant I know, but what about the versions I don’t? The one he described in the car… that explains a little of Jillian’s trepidation, her continual warnings.
I stand up and pull off my clothes, leaving them in a pile on the marble floors. I slide the door open and step into the thick white steam of the shower.
The large rectangle enclosure is a cloud of fog, and I can't even see my hand before me. I stumble through the steam, my bare soles feeling their way across the pebbled stone floor until I reach Brant. His skin is hot and flinches at my touch. I don't say anything, only step closer into the hot spray of the body jets. I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on his strong chest.
"I'm not very good company right now," he mutters.
"You're always good company." I stand on my tiptoes and press a wet kiss on his lips. It’s too brief and I try to press closer to him, but he tilts his head up and looks toward the tiled ceiling.
"I'm so lost right now," he whispers.
"You have me. Together, we'll never be lost."
"I have you, but for how long? You aren't going to want to put up with this."
I rub the length of his arms and massage along the top of his shoulders, then craw my fingers up the cords of his neck and cup his face. “I’m here with you forever. I've been telling you that for years, Brant. Years when I knew about your condition. Years I've loved you through it. I don't love youdespitethis. I love youincludingthis. Every part of you, even parts you don't know."
He groans and his chest vibrates against me. “You mean the people I don't know.”
“Well, yes. Just one.” I look up into his face and we are in a break in the steam, the spray of water keeping him into view.
“And you fucked him.”
“Yes.” I wiped away the water from my face, pushing my wet hair out of my eyes.
“That pisses me off." There’s a look I’ve never seen on Brant's face before, one of possession, and in it, I see pieces of Lee. I smile and rise on my toes, trying to kiss him.
