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I nod, and I’m grateful he doesn’t press, because despite all the tears earlier, I’m feeling a little weepy again.
“Why not walk away from everything? You have enough money and a young family.”
“Because as imperfect as we are, especially your father and me, we’re hardly the worst.” He sighs heavily. “The day we put down the mantle of power, someone who is far, far more evil will pick it up. We have a responsibility to ensure that doesn’t happen.”
“Even if it means losing your family?”
“I’m not a man of great faith—of any faith, really—but I believe that when we love someone, we can repair almost any well-intentioned damage we do to the relationship. At least, that’s been my experience. That’s why I’m not too concerned about Valentina.” He winks at me, and I smile sheepishly.
“It’s when evil takes the reins that we lose everything, Lexie. Everything.”
He searches my face, as if looking for something. “I’ll tell you the last thing my mother said to me: ‘Heavy is the head that wears the crown.’”
“She was a wise woman.”
“Wise and fearless, as was her sister, Rafael’s mother, and Daniela’s mother too. The three amigas.” He shakes his head. “Have you heard the stories?”
“Some of them. They risked a lot to help other women. I’ve always wanted to be like them, especially your mom. I wrote an essay about her in middle school.” I remember how proud I was to be her granddaughter. It never mattered that we weren’t blood relatives. Not to her, and certainly not to me.
His mouth curls. It’s almost a smile, but it’s fraught with something bittersweet.
“There was a point when I found her antics infuriating,” he admits. “Although the truth is I wasn’t angry. I was afraid of losing her. Time has softened those memories. My mother and her partners in crime did what needed to be done at a time when no one was doing anything. It was a moral imperative for them. Hard to quarrel with that.”
Impossible to quarrel with that. They followed their hearts, and they used their stashes of emergency money to ferry women out of the country and away from danger.
By the time I leave Antonio, I have a better sense of where I’m headed and how I’m going to manage my father. But even with that, my heart is still in tatters about Rafael.
I believe that when we love someone, we can repair almost any well-intentioned damage we do to the relationship. At least, that’s been my experience. I think the key word here, Antonio, is love. Something that I’m certain wasn’t part of the equation between Rafael and me.
I always hoped that one day he would love me, but it’s too much of a stretch now, even for a girl who grew up believing in fairy tales. Some damage, even well-intentioned, is too great to be repaired.
51
ALEXIS
“Hi, Dad.”
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” My father’s sharp, and he knows I wouldn’t call him during the workday just to chat.
“Maybe nothing’s wrong, and I just wanted to hear your voice.”
He doesn’t say a word while I swallow my pride. It’s not actually that hard to do. My father won’t revel in my failure or rub it in my face. He’s not like that. It’s me. I hate to fail—and this failure is especially painful.
“I’d like to come home. To London—but back to my place. I’m wondering if you could send a plane and some security.” It’s almost a relief to get the words out.
“What did he do?” His voice is low and tightly controlled, with contempt leaking from the edges.
“Nothing,” I reply, mustering all the cheer I can find. “I realized pretty quickly that the grass isn’t any greener in Porto.” I betrayed him, and he called me a traitor. “Rafael’s actually a lot like you.” I knew this from the beginning—I’ve always known it. But I never expected to be the target of his cruelty. “What’s that saying about sticking with the devil you know?” I stop talking because I sound ridiculous.
He doesn’t respond for a long moment. There’s pity in the silence. Even over the phone, I’m sure he sees through the bravado.
“Your place is safe, and I’m sure you’d like to go directly there, but why don’t you come home for a couple days and let your mum spoil you? It would make her happy.”
My mother would enjoy it, and I could use the TLC. But I need to wallow in grief for a few days before I pick up my chin and go back to living. There’s no way I’ll be able to do that at my parents’ house. It’ll be an endless string of questions from my mother, and my father might not ask, but he’ll be watching, shrewdly deciphering every breath I take to see if he needs to end Rafael’s life or if taking a few fingers will be enough. It’ll be exhausting.
“I don’t know.” I’m not prepared to commit. I don’t know much of anything right now except that I need to leave Porto.
“I won’t stop you from going back to your flat provided you’re willing to be responsible about security, if that’s what’s worrying you. You have my word.”
