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It costs him to admit this, or maybe what costs him is relinquishing to another man what he feels is his fatherly duty. A younger man. One who is poised to take power, unlike my father, who comes closer, each day, to the end of his reign.
“It kills me to put your life in someone else’s hands.”
What about putting it in my hands? Is that such a foreign concept?
“Rafael is going to give me some measure of control over my own security. Did you ever consider doing that?” I ask the question gently. It’s not meant to be an accusation. I want to know, and I think he’ll be honest with me about it.
“I can’t. I’ve tried. Your mother has pleaded with me to do it. I just can’t. It’s not in my nature.”
It’s not in my nature—and that’s it. I’m not convinced he’s tried very hard.
“Because I’m a woman.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t be ridiculous. It has nothing to do with you being a woman. You’re clever and tough, but you’re not trained. You haven’t been groomed, from the knee, to understand the ins and outs of security—and the enemies who threaten us. That was my fault. It was too late by the time I realized the world had changed.”
“It’s never too late to right the ship.”
“I’m afraid it is.”
The words are spoken with finality, but he’s being candid with me, and I’m not quite ready to let it go. I doubt I’ll change his mind, but maybe I can get some answers that will help the relationship.
“That’s so cynical. Even for you. You raised me to believe that nothing was impossible.”
“My entire nuclear family was wiped out as an act of revenge. Gone, in the blink of an eye. It changed my life. Made me the man I am today.” He stares out the window as though there are answers in the river. His face is drawn, and in this moment, I would do anything to give him the solace he seeks.
“My enemies are powerful,” he continues. “I couldn’t go on living if something happened to you. It’s easier to live with the unhappiness and anger in your face than the pain in your mother’s, if something happened to you. I couldn’t bear it, Lexie.”
It’s almost incongruous, that a man like my father could love a woman the way he loves my mother. She’s his everything. He loves me dearly, but they have something special. Something that transcends all the blood on his hands, and the hate in his heart.
“I’m not going to change, Lexie. My demons are entrenched. They’re not going anywhere. But I can do better,” he mutters under his breath.
There’s anguish in his face—a grief that cuts deep. I take a sip of wine swallowing the rising emotion.
He rarely mentions his family. But he’s made a connection between his recent behavior toward me and what happened to them. My mother might have helped him see the tie, but it’s no small feat for Will Clarke to admit he’s scared.
“Dad, I’m an adult. I’m smart and capable. I’m your daughter, and we’re probably more alike than you think. I wish you had been more up front with me. If we had this conversation six months ago, it would have saved us both a lot of heartache.” I pause to let the words sink in. “I can do better too.”
The last part was hard to choke out. Mainly because I don’t feel like I was in the wrong. Although I did go about things in the wrong way. It was the only way I knew, but it was still wrong.
It’s become my hallmark. Good intentions, always, but I often choose a path that’s rocky and sometimes more perilous than need be.
“I don’t suppose doing better means you’re coming back to London?”
“Was this all just a manipulation?” I ask pointedly, even though I know it wasn’t.
“To tell you the truth, I didn’t consider manipulating you. I take definitive action and issue orders. The kind of manipulation you’re referring to is not a man’s game.” His expression is harder, and Dad recedes for a moment, while the powerful leader emerges.
I won’t be cowed by him.
“I’m not going back to London,” I say respectfully but firmly. “I’m going to stay here and see if I can learn some life skills. Like how to negotiate with my guards to create a safety plan that allows me to live my life.” In the words of Rafael Huntsman.
He scowls at my pronouncement. I’m not even sure he knows he’s doing it. “That’s all well and good, but change isn’t easy.”
“You don’t believe I can learn to work with the system rather than around it?”
“You’re not a woman who falls in line easily. It’s not in your nature.” He peers at me. “And you’re damn proud of it.” The corner of his mouth twitches. “When your independent attitude isn’t being a thorn in my side, I’m proud of it too.
“But I’m not convinced you want to change, Lexie. If that’s the case, no one, not even a prince with too damn much swagger, can keep you safe.”
