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‘Quit acting like a baby who’s too old for his mother and let me help you!’ Mom jokes loudly. As she turns towards the kitchen to take care of her shopping purchases, she spots a silent Jade, watching her baby me. How embarrassing is that?
‘Oh, hello,’ Mom says to her with surprise, glancing back at me, ‘who is this’ plastered on her face.
‘Mom, this is—’
‘Are you with his insurance company?’ she cuts me off, guessing instead of listening. ‘I knew I’d purchased him the big plan, but I had no idea it included home visits. How nice is that.’ She gushes while she talks over me. ‘Thank you so much for taking care of my baby boy! I’m here now. Does insurance cover your services, or is River supposed to pay you? Because I can cover it. How much is it?’
‘Mom!’
Finally, she snaps her head my way. ‘What?’
‘She’s not the help. I invited her here. Yesterday.’
Her eyebrows shoot up her forehead as she glances back at Jade. ‘Oh?’
Dear God, she is assuming we had sex. If the next question out of her mouth is ‘how was it?’ I will somehow summon the energy to swiftly lead her back to her car and away from making me seem like a massive momma’s boy.
I wave Mom my way, encouraging her to lean in so I can yell at her in a whisper and not seem like an asshole in front of Jade.
‘What is it, sweetheart?’ She leans towards the couch.
‘Get. Out,’ I say as sweetly yet firmly as possible under my breath.
The look on her face is of pure confusion.
‘But I brought all your favorites…’ She motions towards the kitchen where Jade is now happily unloading the bags, watching our every word. ‘String cheese, Cool Ranch Doritos, chocolate milk, maple syrup oatmeal, and mint chocolate chip ice cream, the green kind.’
Jade laughs. ‘Yep, I see that childlike food pallet you mentioned. By the way, this is my favorite too…’ she says, displaying the ice cream container.
Of course it is. For a second, my eight-year-old heart spins at the fact that Mom found the recently elusive green mint chocolate chip ice cream, but my stomach quickly rejects the idea.
‘Can we not talk food right now?’
Mom leans in again. ‘Do I need to pay her for “services” or what?’
‘You think I need to pay a woman to come over?’ I ask, completely offended. ‘She is neither a prostitute nor a caretaker. So, no, you do not need to pay her,’ I command with as much energy as possible. ‘Her name is Jade, and we’re…’ I hesitate. After our conversation last night, I’m not really sure what she is to me.
Suddenly Mom stands, throwing her hands into the air. ‘Oh, my God! This is Jade? Oh, honey, I was unsure you actually existed, but you are beautiful!’ She smothers Jade in a hug that would terrify even me, but Jade eats it up, hugging her back and flashing an enthused grin.
‘No, you’re beautiful,’ Jade says after Mom finally releases her. ‘I can’t believe I’m meeting Penny Candy. I’m a huge fan, and my mom absolutely worshipped you.’
Am I in a coma right now? Or did I actually die, and heaven’s a bit wonky?
‘How in the hell would you know who she is?’ I ask my mom, confused.
‘You’ll never guess who I ran into yesterday evening,’ Mom says, helping her put groceries away. I can tell from here Jade is completely starstruck, watching my mom’s every move with a grin plastered on her face.
‘Billy Joel?’ I guess only because I know she’ll make me, and I want to get this conversation over with quickly.
‘Nooo…’ she laughs. ‘I haven’t seen Billy since our trip with him and Alexis to Jamaica a few years back. Did I ever tell you we put on an impromptu show at an oceanside bar? That was such a fun vacation.’ She stares into space momentarily while reliving it. ‘Anyway, I’m off track. Would you believe me if I said Caitlin stopped by the house?’
Yep. I gotta be dead. There’s only one world where this would be normal. Hell.
‘Caitlin?’ Jade asks, her eyes now wide.
‘Oh, don’t worry, sweetheart. I get way better vibes from you.’ She pats Jade’s back like she’s comforting her. ‘But yeah,’ she continues, glancing out at me. ‘I got a knock on the door, and when I opened it, there she was, as beautiful as ever, with the most adorable baby.’
Holy fuck. She went to my mom’s house? With the baby? Why?
