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Her eyes are a little glassed over from earlier drinks, and she’s way more easily amused than usual. My ego likes that she thinks I’m funny.
‘I’m the guy who will laugh at the word fart. Fart. Balls. Boners. All funny. Why exclude them from our vocab? They’re hilarious, so I sprinkle them into conversations along with other ridiculousness that I won’t spill right this second because I can’t show you just how weird I am yet. A little at a time; a man must have some secrets.’
‘In total transparency,’ she says, lifting a finger. ‘I laughed my way through sex ed in middle school with a couple of boys, and we got sent to in-school detention for a private class taught by the weirdo football coach/PE teacher, Mr Knix. He fumbled trying to put a condom on a banana, and only managed to get it half rolled on, then couldn’t get it off.’ She realizes what she’s said. ‘The banana,’ she quickly corrects herself. ‘He couldn’t get the condom off the banana.’ She slaps a hand to her forehead playfully, obviously a bit tipsy and cute as fuck.
‘How were your condom skills?’
‘It was like I’d done it in another life. They were all impressed.’
I nod, attempting not to picture that, but the more I’m with the woman, the more I do.
‘We’re like one soul, girl. I got detention for a month when I was thirteen because I sketched out elaborate genital drawings copied from the health book. The principal called my mom to “chat” about my newfound hobby, and she assured them that I’d be grounded. However, my parents were pretty open with us kids about things like that, so those drawings are now framed in my dad’s office. Like medical genitalia maps drawn by a kid who’d never visited a vagina.’
This has her in complete giggles. ‘Would this make you an “expert” in the subject?’ she asks, pulling herself together.
Could this conversation be a slippery slope? Hell yeah. If she didn’t have a fiancé she’s tied to. That said, I’m still answering her question.
‘Are we talking an expert in drawing them or in general? ’Cause the drawings were bad. But face to – ya know – I know what I’m doing.’
The look on her face is part amusement, part shock that I said what I said, and – maybe this is just me hoping – but a little bit of wonder? She laughs, then stops, then laughs again. ‘Is it hot in here?’ She shrugs off her coat.
‘I think it’s the spicy conversation,’ our driver, Jacob, says, glancing at the two of us in the rearview mirror.
We both grimace, knowing a stranger is super into our somewhat ‘spicy’ conversation, but that’s the risk you take hiring a guy you don’t know to drive you around.
‘Maybe we should stick to my science experiment,’ she suggests.
Ya made it awkward, Jacob. Well done, dumbass. While I internally lecture myself on thinking before speaking because I’m sure I didn’t help the conversation stay clean and shiny, she gives me the rundown on all the Conner bullshit that happened last week. This is a Jade I’m not used to. She’s no longer gushing over him. She’s more crushed he’s not speaking in more than emojis. I don’t blame her.
I scrunch my face, genuinely disappointed in the guy. ‘Those aren’t even sexual, and this guy’s your fiancé?’ I balk. ‘If you were my girlfriend, you’d get sugar, spice, and everything nice. Not emojis.’
The two of us stare at one another awkwardly. Fuck, what is wrong with me? First, I talk about being an X-rated child artist, and now I say the words, ‘if you were my girlfriend’? Jesus, River. You’ll be lucky if you ever see this woman again.
Jade raises an eyebrow. ‘Isn’t that an old nursery rhyme for how girls are made? Boys are snakes, snails, and puppy dog tails?’
I blow out a breath. Thank God she’s going to pretend I didn’t say any of it. I nod, confirming she’s right.
‘Yes, and that makes zero fucking sense. I shriek like a girl when snakes are involved.’ I shoot her a playful glare. ‘Tell no one about that, calamity Jade. I like to pretend I’m scared of nothing, and as my friend, you’re required to uphold that lie.’
‘Cross my heart and hope to die.’ She does the movement with the words. ‘I’d never let anyone know long slithering reptiles make you shriek.’
I roll my eyes playfully. ‘Does boys being made of snails not freak you out? Ew – snails are just slugs with homes on their backs. I am not a slug. And don’t even get me started on the puppy dog tails. If someone out there is legit collecting puppy dog tails, it’s highly likely they’ve also got women in freezers in their basement.’
‘You’ve thought this through,’ she says, clearly amused.
‘I’ve got one of those overactive minds. They call it ADD. Overthinking some of these “stories”, I realized nursery rhymes are just a bunch of creepy bullshit that someone thought was genius to teach kids lessons, and they’re scary as fuck. I mean, look at Jack and Jill. Hey kids, wanna hear a story about a sibling pair whose physical labor killed them both in a tumble down a steep hill? It rhymes…’ I sing out the last two words, clearly intoxicated.
Jade giggles loudly, making our driver glance back at us in the rearview mirror again.
‘Our conversation is off the rails, but I like it. You’re fun, River. I do have one question, though.’
‘Shoot.’
‘How has some woman not locked you down yet? You’re so…’ She thinks about her words here, and when she’s thought too long, I take over, worried that whatever leaves her lips won’t be flattering.
‘Pretty sure the words you’re looking for are unconventionally charming,’ I say, leaning into her and bumping my shoulder to hers. ‘Now, do you want to know what I think about Corndog and his emoji attack or what?’
‘Conner,’ she corrects me. ‘I’m not ready to badmouth him.’
