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“I understand.” The tonelessness of his voice petrified me.
“He said that I could clean myself, or he would do it for me.” Angry tears ran down my face, and I stared at the floor, attempting to control them. Once I found my footing again, I continued. “I fought as hard as I could, but I was weak from days of not having any food or water. He was a big guy as well, and easily overpowered me.” I chanced a look at Holden. Rage rippled through him, and his eyes glowed with fury. If I ever wondered if he was capable of killing someone, I was clear now.
“He didn’t rape me. It wasn’t his agenda at the time. But …” I wiped the moisture from my cheeks. “He …” I sank to the floor, the guilt crushing me. My chin wobbled as I looked up at him. “I’m so sorry, Holden.”
Holden knelt next to me. “Hey, it’s okay. Whatever happened …”
My tear-filled gaze connected with his. “You don’t understand. When he had his hand between my legs, he made me … I came, Holden. Some fucking stranger made me come.”
Holden’s expression morphed into shock, then white-hot anger danced across his features. He reached out to me, and I scrambled backward.
“Don’t. I saw the way you just looked at me.” Oh, God. I should have never told him. He hates me. I broke us. I’d shattered Holden’s heart and mine along with it. I hid behind my arms, trembling.
“Babe, I’m not angry at you. You’re misunderstanding. I want to fucking break him for what he did to you. Not only because he touched you, but he messed with your mind. This changes nothing except that he just signed his death warrant. You lived through absolute horror, and the games people play to break you …”
I peeked at him through my fingers, watching his face fill with love. “I feel like I cheated on you. When it was happening, I tried to block it out and think about you. That it was your hand.” I hiccupped, then wiped my nose with the back of my arm. “I love you so much. I was terrified to tell you. I can’t lose you, Holden.”
“Babe, I would never, ever hold that against you. The body has a mind of its own, and you had a normal reaction. I love you, and there’s no judgement. None. I want you to heal, and I don’t know how to help.”
I rubbed my arms, attempting to soothe myself. “Are you sure? Are you sure that you’re not going to wake up tomorrow and hate me?”
“That’s not possible. I couldn’t ever hate you, River. Please try and let the guilt go, babe.”
I nodded. If he could forgive me, maybe I could, too. “I’ll try. I talked to Brynn about it. She helped, too. She said I needed to tell you so that I could begin to heal.”
“She’s right. Don’t ever blame yourself. Not for being taken, not for the assault. None of this was your fault.”
I barked out a sarcastic laugh. “Holden, I was kidnapped because I ditched Zayne. It was all my fault.”
Holden adamantly shook his head. “You’re wrong. There was an investor in the club named Laura. She scouted 4 Play for people to kidnap and sell. The FBI linked her to the same sex ring as Opal and Kassandra. It was only a matter of time. Even if you’d stayed with Zayne, another attempt would have been made. Plus, it was personal—Becky … Michelle, Opal, Kassandra. We all know that Michelle had it in for you the first night you two met. It wasn’t your fault. If you’re going to blame anyone, it should be me.” His expression fell with his words. “I’m the one that’s sorry, River. I never meant to bring you into this crazy, dark world. I love you more than you’ll ever understand.”
I crawled across the floor and took his hand in mine. “I’ll make a deal. Stop blaming yourself for other people’s actions, and I’ll forgive myself about the assault and ditching Zayne.”
Holden cupped my cheek, his thumb gently stroking my face. “Can you? Can you forgive yourself? Because I can. In my eyes, there’s nothing to forgive. You did nothing wrong.”
I leaned into his touch, craving more. “I’ll do anything for you, Holden Alastair. I love you that much.”
Holden leaned over and pressed his lips to mine. “And I’ll do anything for you.”
He began to pull away, and I grabbed the back of his neck and nipped at his bottom lip. Holden growled and kissed me as if he was suffocating, and I was the only air that could satisfy him. He swept his tongue deep into my parted mouth, tasting me, feeding me his need as though I was the only thing he lived for.
Breathless, I broke away and leaned my forehead against his. “Do you remember the first night you took me to 4 Play?”
Holden chuckled. “How could I forget? I thought I’d lost you forever.”
I slid my palm up the inside of his thigh. “And after that, when you caught me using the vibrator?”
Holden shifted, and I looked down at his obvious erection. “Yeah.” His voice sounded husky and sexy as hell.
“I want to try it again, see if we can be together without it throwing me into …” I didn’t have to explain it to him. He understood what I was saying.
“We can try, but the moment I pick up on any hesitation, we’re stopping. Understand?” He tipped my chin up, forcing me to meet his gaze.
I tingled with his touch, with his possessiveness. “Yeah. I promise. I’d rather take it slow, anyway. I miss you so much.”
Holden devoured my mouth again, flooding my body with heat. “Help me have new memories with you,” I whispered against his lips.
Holden rose, held out his palm to me, and helped me off the floor. “What do you need?”
