AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Not looking up at him, my only response was a mouth shrug that resembled a smile turned upside down. It seemed senseless to come all this way just to tell me that.
“How are you doing, man?” Jared asked.
Well, that was a loaded question. Where would I have started from? I was still bitter toward the men but felt like I didn’t have the right to those feelings. My guilt rose and fell when it came to my sister and failing to be the big brother she needed. Yet, I wasn’t sure I knew how to be that for her or if I was ready to try again. The only way I knew how to apologize to her was to give her the apartment back.
As much as my mother would’ve made jabs at me, at least the distance between us wouldn’t be so far apart, and she’d invite me to stuff and show up at events with my father that I invited her to. Even though I didn’t let my kids around her, for fear of her influence on them, she’d always call to either check up on how they were doing in her own little way, or she’d call to complain about something. There still used to be something connecting us regardless of how toxic the environment might have been. She was still my mother. Though it should’ve come as a relief not to hear from her anymore, it wasn’t. The kid in me ached for my mother.
My dad sounded somber when we spoke the last couple of times. The aftermath of everything, I had no doubt, had been great for the guys and Tiffany, seemed vacant and dead for me. Not that my own family didn’t bring me joy. Right now, they were the only light in my life, my wife and my kids. But I now lived with the added fear of trusting others and making new friends. My fear over whether I’d be a good enough father and husband had been heightened from this experience.
So, all in all, I was either a big ball of anxiety or numb when the anxiety became too much to cope with. That was how I was doing, but I said none of that to them. I just rested my mouth on hands clasped before me and elbows holding them up. Looking toward them but not at them, I tried to breathe. Whatever they came here to say or do, they could say it or do it and be on their way. I’d cope with their visit afterward.
The room was so silent, I could hear one of them gulp and another one sigh.
“Chris,” Mario started. “I’m so sorry. I know how much you trusted me. You let your guard down around me and had no worries because you knew for a fact I would never deceive you with anything. I know that’s why I used to be your personal attorney when it came to this place,” he said.
Rubbing my lips against my knuckles, the side of my head cramped a little, releasing a mist in my eyes. I held it though, staring ahead until my eyeballs dried. Still, they remained heated, promising more tears. I gulped.
“I know that’s why you recommended me as her mentor,” he continued.
There was that sting of tears welling up again. Clearing my throat, I leaned back in my chair and clasped my hands in my lap, hoping the movement would confuse my body and take the mist away. It did, but it was still so close to me that I knew if I started talking, that mist would soon become a stream. And I wasn’t in the mood to cry. Not over this. Not over them. Certainly not in front of friends I no longer trusted with my vulnerability.
“You would’ve never expected me to be someone who would use that to my advantage, but I did. And I know that knocked your lights out. I know it hurt you. And I never wanted to do that, Chris. I’m really so sorry,” he said. His voice cracked, and I thought I was about to choke on my breath as my chest twisted and turned, aching.
“I really hope you can forgive me for this, Chris. I promise you, I never had any ill intentions toward you or your sister. I truly am in love with her, and I wouldn’t have pursued her if I didn’t have the best of intentions with her. I should’ve told you. Being afraid of your response wasn’t a good enough reason to hide it from you. Saying that I was afraid to tell you because I didn’t want to be forced to choose between my best friend for over a decade and the woman I cared about, means nothing at this point. Ultimately, not telling you cost me your friendship anyway.” His voice grew hoarse, and I squeezed my hands together. This outcome wasn’t great for me either. I also wished it didn’t have to be this way.
“I hope one day, we can all find a way to be family again. I miss you man,” Mario said, grunting and sniffling. Swiping my hand across my beard to hide the twitching of my cheeks and the quivering of my lips from the emotion I was suppressing, I tensed to not fall apart during this. Taking a deep breath, I was just waiting for the moment they left, so that I’d be able to breathe.
Mario went silent, and I thought that was the end of everything, that they’d soon get up, but it wasn’t over.
“Man, where do I start?” Jared sighed. “You know how closed off I’ve been all these years. I was even closed off to you when we met. It was hard for me to trust anyone, but you being this happy-go-lucky, redhead rich kid who was secretly humble as shit soon broke through my barriers and won my trust. You’ve kept that trust ever since,” he said.
Turmoil grew inside me from the need to remind him that while I had, he hadn’t, but it would just be stating the obvious. I was sure now that’s why he was here. My head grew numb for a bit, and my lips tingled with the overwhelming emotions creeping up inside me. Nausea rose, and I ran my hand across the back of my head, remaining silent.
“The point, Chris, is that I know how hard it is to trust someone. Trust isn’t easy, and not everyone is entitled to it. To trust someone is to not just let them in but to surrender yourself to them. To trust them with your sanity, with your secrets and even as bros, with your heart, you know? To essentially trust them with your life. And the fact that I’ve been able to do that with you, it’s invaluable. Priceless. Yet, I mistreated it. Stabbed you in the back, basically. Made you feel unsafe around me. And that feeling of unsafety, of having to go it alone is dark and lonely. Somewhere you don’t deserve to be. I’m sorry if I got you there. I’m not worthy of your forgiveness, Chris. I’m not worthy of your trust. But I hope one day, we can be friends again. I love you, man, and I care very much for your sister. I hope that’s okay with you,” he said.
His voice was a lot more controlled. Something I’d expect from Jared but as I shifted my eyes to connect with them both, I saw that they were also exercising great emotional restraint. Still, I couldn’t speak. Truthfully, I didn’t know what to say. In the absence of my words, they nodded as if they understood before getting up.
“See you around, Chris,” Mario whispered on his way out as Jared closed the door behind them.
As soon as they left, the breath I was holding fell from me and with it, came the suppressed tears. They fell in a stream of gratitude. I didn’t know how much I needed that heartfelt apology but man, it hit me hard. Since when did I become so fucking sappy? Shit. Swiping my hand at my face and sniffling, I cleared my throat and tried to get myself together.
Blowing warm, trembling, sputtering air from my mouth, I also hoped that one day, if this thing between them and Tiffany lasted long enough, we’d all learn to be okay with each other again. Even if it didn’t last between them, I hoped with time, we’d find our way back into each other’s lives. Whether or not that day would come sooner or later was unbeknownst to me, but I knew that hearing their apologies today set something free inside me.
Chapter 42
Tiffany
Thereweremixedreactionsstepping foot into my apartment again, even knowing that it was now in my name. Of course, there was relief in finding my things just the same, but with that relief came a heavy ache stirring inside my chest and back.
It looked the same way it did when I’d rushed over to Lion’s Bar. My bed was messy, and the closet door was still swung open from me grabbing the first items of clothes I could find. A little over two weeks’ worth of dust gathered on the window panes. My underwear and clothing that I’d climbed out of the night before hung from my laundry basket. The night that caused this whole debacle.
Removing the sheets from my bed and the cases from my pillows, I stuffed them down into that same laundry basket and got fresh sheets from the linen closet. These sheets were pale yellow with tiny white flowers scattered about the design, detailed with spots of red. It was pretty, and it gave me the sense of a nice sunny day, out in a flower field. Something about that symbolized both freedom and a fresh start to me. It felt like wiping away the bad memories that sat inside the laundry basket and making fresh ones.
There was gratitude in knowing that Chris had decided to hand the apartment back over to me and put it in my name. But there was a voice inside me telling me that I should have told him where to shove it. Nevertheless, knowing it was well and truly mine now filled me with hope about the future. Being able to call this apartment mine again was bittersweet. I wasn’t sure what I was hoping for next. Did this mean that Chris and I were good now? Did I want us to be good now? Did I owe him an apology? Did he owe me one? Perhaps, it would have been better to stop focusing on what happened next and be grateful for all that was happening now.
As I wiped down my windows with a dry cloth, focusing on getting my vacuum next, my phone vibrated into the pocket of my blue denim jeans. For a moment, I was so lost in thought, I didn’t feel it. Placing the cloth on the windowsill, I retrieved it from my pocket. Ms. Saunders was calling. My eyes lit up even though at the same time, my heart kind of sank. Turning around so I could perch on the windowsill, I crossed one arm under my bosom while answering the call.
“Ms. Saunders, what a surprise!” I said. “Didn’t think I’d ever hear from you again.” I smiled and shifted. My heart started to giddy up in a way because well, I had no job prospects following the disaster and had been trying not to think about it.
