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“I got you these,” I said, interrupting her and reaching into the backseat for the plastic-covered bouquet of yellow, white, and red roses. She gasped and looked from me to the flowers with eyes wide open.
“What’s this?” she asked and as her lips trembled, I could see them turn up at the sides. The wrinkles in her forehead smoothed out, and she seemed to breathe a relaxed sigh.
“Do you like them?” I asked.
“They’re beautiful,” she whispered, sniffing them. “This is my first-time getting flowers from a guy I like.” She blushed. “Thank you,” she said.
My own body released the air it was holding like removing a pump from a ball or something. Maybe that didn’t make any sense, but I could feel my chest just fall, releasing the tightness that stiffened it before. Reaching across the center console, I took her hand from around the bouquet and held it in mine, interlocking our fingers. We sat like that in silence for a while before she turned to look at me and away again. I sensed her eyes on me and caught her turning them away before our eyes could meet. “What?” I asked.
She turned to look at me and this time, it wasn’t in frustration. She searched my eyes. “What’s on your mind, Anthony?” she asked.
Okay, it was time for the speech I had practiced.Here goes nothing,I thought, hoping it all came out right. At least I knew she still liked me, right? That’s what she had said. I didn’t want to lose her.
“I’m sorry for leaving you to fight for you… and us, all by yourself.” A sudden bout of nausea hit me. Groaning, I continued, “It probably seemed as if I didn’t have any confidence in us, that I wasn’t manly enough, that I didn’t care… I don’t know what it looked like.” My hands grew clammy into hers as I rambled and pulled my hand from hers.
She watched my hand leave hers in confusion. “Manly enough? What does that have to do with anything, Anthony? What happened?”
Scratching my brow, I released a sigh. “It just all felt like too much to handle,” I said. Oh wait, did that come out right?
“So, you chose to run away?” she asked, putting the flowers down on the armrest. “Don’t you think it felt like that to me, Jared, and Mario too? Do you think it was easy for us? Easy for me? This wasn’t just about you. I was being torn apart by my family, and it would’ve been nice if I knew you were in my corner, just like I wanted to be in yours, but you wouldn’t let me in. You wouldn’t let any of us in. I mean, even if you ignored me and checked in with the guys, at least I would’ve known you were all right. Do you have any idea how worried I was? I couldn’t figure out why you weren’t there. I thought something terrible had happened to you, and I felt guilty for being mad at your absence.” She cut herself off and shifted in her seat.
Okay, by her reaction, I guessed that it hadn’t come out right. But how could she understand if I didn’t open up? Sighing and swallowing, I turned my body in my seat to face her. As our gazes locked into one another, I started.
“When I was a kid, the only ‘father figures’ I had would always leave. I learned to leave too whenever life got too complicated. When things got too emotional or too meaningful. It didn’t feel safe because that wasn’t my norm growing up, and it’s kind of embedded in who I’ve become. But I don’t want to be like those men who left my mother out in the cold. I don’t want to sabotage what’s good for me. And I think you’re good for me, Tiffany,” I said.
“I want to be better. But it’s hard. It’s hard to change completely overnight, but I want to, for you. Hell, for me too. It’s going to take some time though. Those experiences kind of made me feel as if I wasn’t good enough; that’s why they had to leave. As if my mother would’ve been able to have the love of those men if perhaps, she didn’t have me. I’m not trying to gain your pity or anything like that. It’s just that I’ve never said this to anyone. I didn’t even have this realization until recently when this situation brought up those same feelings. I thought you’d have a better chance of reconciling with your family if I weren’t around. I felt responsible for you losing everything.” My heart ached, twisting up in all kinds of knots.
She reached for my hand. “None of this was your fault, Anthony. You’re not responsible for the way my parents chose to treat me. You and I chose to do everything that happened between us. If anything, we would’ve been equally responsible,” she said, looking at me with soft eyes as she reached up to stroke my beard. “I’m sorry you felt you had to bear that all on your own. Although, being Anthony, I’m pretty sure you weren’t entirely on your own.” She smiled. “Thanks for trusting me with this though.” She eased up on her knee and leaned over to give me a quick peck before wrapping me into a hug.
But it had been so long away from her that I was craving more than just a quick kiss and a hug. As her lips landed on mine, I could feel my hunger for her burn a need inside me. Easing back, I cupped the back of her head and planted a soft, slow kiss on her lips, with the tenderness I feared feeling but craved having with her.
She gasped first in surprise, then wrapped her arms around my neck. It was pretty awkward though as her hips were pressed up against the armrest between us, and I wanted to rip it away. “Come here,” I said.
Panting, she climbed over onto my lap, straddling me. I paused to look up at her in the glow of the moonlight, which brought with it a sense of both calm and passionate rumblings of emotions between us. “You’re right,” I started. “I wasn’t alone…”
She groaned and rolled her eyes. “Ruining the moment, Anthony,” she said, pressing a finger to my lips and leaning forward to kiss me again.
Grinning, I kissed her finger and removed it from my lips. “I wasn’t done,” I said.
She sighed and sat back on her feet that were folded up underneath her.
“There were women…” I started.
She groaned and cleared her throat, still trying to be patient, though the look on her face said, ‘Why the hell is he telling me this now?’
“But I couldn’t. I don’t know what you’ve done to me, Tiffany, but I’m not the man I used to be. All I could think about was you. All I could talk about was you. All I want is you and if they’re not you, I don’t want them,” I said.
She shook her head, smiling. “Yeah, right. You’re just saying that…”
“No, I’m not.” I looked her in the eyes, hardening beneath her.
“It’s okay if you were…” she continued.
“I’m not. It’s you, Tiffany,” I said, holding her gaze.
Her eyes glistened in the blue light being cast upon us, and they widened as she felt my bulge pushing up against her nakedness. She pressed herself into me and smiled, biting her lip. “So, I guess you must be starving, then?” she asked, reaching for the button of my jeans.
“I’m voracious,” I groaned, reaching up to pull her lips back down to mine, this time with the passion threatening to explode within me.
