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This time when I speak, emotion colors my words. The hate that I’ve worn as a band-aid for the last decade is ripped off, and all that’s left is an open, bleeding wound. “You weren’t there when I needed you the most, T.” Tears fall from my cheeks.
We’re standing in my mama’s living room all over again.
Tyler runs his hand over his neck. “Let me ask you something, Gia. Do you believe in redemption?” He asks hesitantly.
“What do you mean?” My voice wobbles.
“It was me.” He says in an exhale, looking more nervous than he did when he walked in unannounced.
“What…what was you? What are you talking about?” I stutter over my words in confusion.
“I saw you guys on the news. I got tested and…and I came back as a potential match. I made the donation anonymously because I wanted to tell you myself. I didn’t want you to turn me away because of our past. I wanted to do this for you, for all of you.”
I drop my hands to my side and stare at the man in front of me. I try to make sense of what he’s telling me but can’t reconcile the two people.
Selfish versus selfless. They can’t be one and the same.
He lied to me. He lied to me, but he saved my daughter. I’m hurt and deceived, but also…grateful. And I don’t know what to do with those feelings.
“It was you?” I ask in utter astonishment and disbelief.
“I didn’t know any other way to do it. I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve betrayed you again. That wasn’t my intention.”
“No, I. God, I need a minute.”
I step out of Damien’s hold and walk to our bedroom. Astria is in her room with my mom. Damien doesn’t try to follow me, and for that I’m thankful. I need to be alone for a minute to process.
I’m filled with so many mixed emotions. I walk into my closet and grab an old photo album from the top shelf. Opening it, I pull out a photo from years ago. I didn’t take this picture, Damien did. It’s from the day Astria was born.
The woman staring back at me isn’t the same person I am today. I run my fingers over the film.
I wonder if that’s how Tyler feels. Has life changed him? It sure as hell has changed me. I’d be foolish to think that circumstances of life haven’t had an effect on him. Right?
I press the picture to my chest and drop to my knees.
I cry for the young girl in that photo. I cry for what she went through. I cry for all the hard days. Here we are though, and today is not the same day. We are not the same people. I can’t continue living like this.
I think of my daughter, and her bravery in the face of uncertainty. I think of her life, and how she’ll be able to live it without restriction. I think of the clinical trial, and all of the lives it could affect in the future. It’s selfish of me to think that this is only about me. It’s not about me at all anymore.
It’s my turn to make a decision.
When I walk back into the room Damien is embracing Tyler, tears in both of their eyes. Two grown men, holding each other. It’s almost more than my fragile heart can take.
As I get closer, I hear Damien say, “You might have taken my life, but you gave my baby girl hers back. I forgive you, brother.” My throat grows tight.
They release each other and I stand there, feeling like a young college-age kid again. I clutch the photo in my hand. This was one of many important days in my life, and he missed it.
I remember all the reasons I fought against him. I try to will myself to feel that hate in my heart again, but I can’t. I can’t find it in me to keep this up. I’m exhausted.
We’ve been fighting this war for so long. I have to accept that the battle has changed.
Damien steps out of the way as I approach Tyler. I take a deep breath and try to steady my racing heart before speaking. “I made myself a promise years ago. I think I’ve come to realize some promises are meant to be broken. I’ve already cheated the game of life too many times, and you know what? Life is too short. I can’t live with the hate. I don’t want this anymore, T. I don’t want this hate inside of me. I owe it to Astria to offer you forgiveness. I owe it to myself. But it’s not going to be easy for me. I won’t heal overnight. The hurt that you caused our family was deep. I understand that you sacrificed for us, and I’m willing to set aside my anger and try. Is that okay? Is that enough?”
It’s all I have to offer. I hand him the photo and he looks down at it with tears in his eyes before looking back up at me.
“You’ve grown up so much. You’re a whole-ass woman, Gia. I’m so proud of you. Thank you. Thank you for giving me this chance. I’d have done it either way, you know? Once I knew I was a match. I needed to do this for her, and for you. I knew there was a risk coming here, like this. I’m so sorry about everything, Gia. I know sorry isn’t enough, but…I’m sorry.” His voice is full of remorse and compassion. I can feel his sincerity, and it continues to ease the hurt, bit by bit.
Never in a million years did I think we’d be here, speaking like this again, but one thing I’ve learned over the years is that life is anything but predictable.
