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“Ma’am?” A soft voice breaks through the chaos inside my head.
I stare at her. A woman that looks not much older than me wearing a pair of pale blue scrubs. When I don’t say anything, she repeats herself again.
“Ma’am? Do you need help?”
“I…I don’t know.” I stammer through my words as I answer her honestly.
I don’t remember where we are. I barely remember my own name. I can’t think of anything except Damien on that stretcher and the medic saying that they couldn’t find a pulse.
“Oh my God, he’s dead.” I bend over and throw up on the concrete at my feet.
“It’s okay. You’re going to be just fine. My name is Lyla. I’m a nurse here.” She places her palm on my back and rubs her hand in slow circles until I finish dry heaving.
She drops her hand when I stand back up and face her again.
“Where is here?” I ask as I look around for any indication of where we are. It’s a hospital, clearly. It seemed like we were here within seconds, almost. Two minutes tops from the arena.
“Chambliss Health, you’re at the University hospital.” The answer is obvious, but my brain can’t understand obvious right now. I’m unable to process anything past what I already know and what I know is that the medic said no pulse.
“Are you a student?” I’m not sure why it matters, but it’s the only thing I can think to ask.
I don’t want her to leave me. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t know how to ask her to stay. She doesn’t know me. I’m a stranger to her.
“No, I’m not a student here. I just got off my shift. I’d be happy to take you in and get you cleaned up. Do you need something to eat or drink?” The thought of food sends another wave of nausea hurling at me like a Mac truck. I heave, but there’s nothing left.
“I need Damien.” I shiver and cross my arms over my body.
“Is this about the hockey player they just brought in?” She asks gently.
Sirens sound off in the distance and cause my heart to jolt. It’s like they’re coming back and we’re going to have to relive the last few minutes all over again. I won’t survive it.
“He’s my husband,” I answer, and I realize tonight is the first time in maybe, forever, that I told someone Damien was my husband and truly felt like I was his wife. But, it’s too late for all that.
“Tell me a little bit about him. We’ll go inside while you talk, okay?” She takes a step forward and lightly places her hand on my arm.
She’s wearing a name badge, which means she’s probably telling the truth. Why would she lie to me? I’m a crazed-looking woman standing under the emergency bay of a hospital all alone with barf covering her shoes. I’m totally approachable.
“He’s an amazing father.” I hiccup.
“You have children?” She slowly turns us toward the sliding automatic doors to the emergency room and I follow her. What choice do I have? It’s the only way I’ll get answers. Answers that, truthfully, I don’t think I want.
“A child - one. A daughter, her name is Astria. She loves her daddy more than she loves me. He’s her favorite.” My voice trembles, and my throat burns. Tears fall from my cheeks to my shirt. I’m still wearing Damien’s jersey. We walk through the open waiting room together, and I try to keep it together as curious eyes follow us.
“I bet he is. What else?” We approach a door, and she scans her badge over a panel on the wall, and the door swings open in front of us. She nods to another woman on the other side of the door, and we keep walking.
“I love him,” I confess to a complete stranger, words that I’ve been too scared to say to Damien. Words that have been on the tip of my tongue so many times over the past forty-eight hours, but I never could quite find the right moment.
We had time. I thought we had time.
“I’m sure you love him very much. I bet he loves you too.”
I laugh and the sound is broken, it’s filled with bits and pieces of my shattered heart.
It’s like I’m in a daze. “I’m not sure,” I say as I follow her through what feels like a maze to me. So many hallways and elevators. We walk together, her hand never leaving my arm.
“I am. I think he loves you very much.” She says with confidence that I struggle to believe.
“Really?” I ask as if she has any idea.
