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Actually, it means the opposite.
I can’t have her.
I smile to myself knowing that as long as I get to keep them both in my life one way or another that’s all that matters. I can live with that. The alternative is something I don’t want to ever have to be faced with considering.
I take Astria to the room she shares with Gia and begin her bedtime routine. She’s getting restless, and I move faster, grabbing up a diaper and a package of wipes, realizing I’m holding a ticking time bomb. We’re seconds away from the world imploding. There’s nothing like trying to put to bed a baby that’s already crossed the line into being over-tired.
I lay her down on the changing table and proceed to change her diaper and get her into the sleeper Gia’s already laid out for her for the night.
When she starts to cry, I sing a Rolling Stones song to her that my mama used to sing to me. The lyrics seem relevant. It’s a good reminder for me that I need to focus my priorities on the things that I do have. I have a good life, a nearly perfect life. I have everything that I need regardless of the things that my heart wants.
Astria’s cries slow to a soft whimper by the time I’m finished dressing her for bed. I pull her up to my chest, softly bouncing her, but stop abruptly when I notice Gia leaning against the doorframe of the bedroom with nothing but a small white towel wrapped around her lean frame.
She may as well be naked. She’s so beautiful it hurts, and now I’m contemplating the true definition of need versus want.
“Please, don’t stop on my account.” She smiles broadly, her words just above a whisper so as to not get Astria worked up again.
“I…um…I think she’s ready to eat and then go to bed.” I swallow and try to regain my composure. I look at the floor, the ceiling, the diaper pail, anywhere other than the nearly naked woman standing just a few feet away from me. Keep it together, Henderson.
Gia pushes off of the wall and walks toward me. Her hair is pulled up into a yellow scrunchie on top of her head, wild dark brown tendrils fall around her face like a halo. The impure thoughts I’m having about her in this towel are anything but holy.
“Good, I’ll feed her before I get dressed and then you can lay her down if you want?” She reaches to take Astria from me.
“Sure, I’ll just go get ready for…” I rock back on my heels, preparing to make my exit. They need privacy and I need to go hide my semi-hard cock before it gets me into trouble.
“Stay.” Gia places her hand gently on my forearm. I immediately look to where her skin connects with mine, and I know I’d do whatever she asks of me. My need to satisfy this woman clearly knows no bounds. Self-preservation be damned.
“Are you sure I won’t be a distraction?” My eyes remain locked on the way her fingertips send tiny bolts of lightning shooting erratically beneath my skin.
“No, she’s exhausted. She didn’t nap much today. Look at her, she’s asleep already. She’ll dream feed, and then you can give her some snuggles before you lay her down. Your early class is tomorrow, right?”
She pulls her hand away and I feel the loss of warmth throughout my entire body. I try to shake it off. This isn’t unusual. This level of comfort between us is normal. I’m the one making this into something it’s not. Don’t be weird, man. Do not be weird.
“Yeah, and I’ve got to be at the rink early. I picked up an extra shift.”
I pick up every shift they’ll give me. The exhaustion in Gia’s eyes doesn’t go unnoticed by me. I want to do whatever I can to provide a comfortable life for Gia and Astria. That starts now. I wake up every day and work to fulfill the silent promises I’ve made to both of them. I hope that we’ll look back on the days when we shared a bathroom in a small apartment on campus with a smile. This is just the beginning. I want to give them the world.
“Sit. Tell me about your day. I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.” She nods to the neatly made bed that she sleeps in at night. As if I needed another reason to think about her in bed.
I take a seat on the edge of the purple quilted comforter and pray she can’t see the way my dick presses up against the zipper of my jeans. This is not the time.
She sits in the rocking chair adjacent to me with Astria in her arms, crossing her legs and allowing the towel to split on either side exposing miles of long silky brown skin.
So smooth. I want to run my hand up the apex of her thighs and see if her skin is as soft as it looks.
With one flick of her hand where the towel is knotted at her chest, the material releases, and her breasts are out on full display. My mouth waters. I fucking stare like a deer caught in the headlights of oncoming traffic.
I have no strength left. I’m weak. So, fucking weak for this woman.
Her breasts are more than a handful. They’re full and tight. Her nipples are a deep shade of purple. I couldn’t look away if I wanted to. I’m a fucking barbarian.
This isn’t the first time I’ve seen her nurse, Astria. There’s nothing sexual about the ability of a mother to feed her child. It’s natural. It’s an accomplishment to be celebrated and proud of, not sexualized.
Doesn’t change the fact that the woman sitting in front of me is the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen.
Despite what I know, what I feel is entirely different. As Gia sits in front of me with her breasts exposed so openly, I can’t help but be in awe of her beauty. She feeds and nourishes our child in a way that I can’t, and over the last six months, I haven’t heard her complain once about it. She just…does it. She’s a boss.
“You said you have some things to work on?” Gia’s soft question as Astria begins to nurse breaks me from my trance. I look up to find a knowing, crooked smile on her plump lips.
