AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“We talked a lot, too. Through texts when he couldn’t speak, and then his voice came back about a week later. We spent more one-on-one time together than we ever have. He told me about his life and let me into his head in a way that was totally different than ever before. That, plus the addition of sex... It was inevitable we’d fall for each other. I mean seriously, I was so naive to think we could keep our feelings out of it.” She paused. “Actually, that’s not true. I was naive to think I could keep my feelings out of it. But the thought Graham might fall in love withmewas never on my radar. This is all his fault, really.”
“It usually is,” Reagan agreed. “But, um, I need to make sure I’m understanding you correctly—are you saying you and Grahamfell in love?”
She closed her eyes and nodded. “Unfortunately.”
“Wow. I...didn’t see that coming.”
“I know!” Claire slapped the comforter. “Me, either. And now everything is awful, and it’s my fault because I broke the heart of the one man who’d sworn never to give it away in the first place. He’s sure as hell never gonna do it again. I basically just guaranteed he’ll grow old damaged and alone.”
Reagan raised her hand as if she had a question. “Okay, I’m lost. When we sat on the porch and you guys talked about the pact—which went from marriage to sex—you said the reason you wouldn’t consider marrying him was because of his fear of commitment and intimacy. It sounds like he overcame that somehow with you, right?”
Claire’s heart splintered at hearing the words from someone else’s mouth. “He did.”
“So why can’t you be together?”
“There’s more to it than that.”
Before now, she’d told Reagan nothing about her dad’s death, only that he’d died when she was eleven. So she started from the beginning and told her roommate everything about his job as an aerobatics pilot and how it affected both Claire and her mom. About witnessing his death, and the grief that hovered over their household for so long after. The recurring nightmares, and how old feelings of worry and fear resurfaced when Graham moved in and became even more visceral when she’d thought he was injured on the job.
Reagan patiently listened to everything Claire said, her expression oscillating between horrified and sympathetic. “Wow. I—I had no idea. That’s so awful. I can’t imagine what it could have been like to go through that.”
Claire dipped her head. “I feel so selfish, but I can’t put myself in that position. My mom was never able to turn it off, and her anxiety was through the roof anytime he flew. If I stayed with Graham, I’d be on top of the world when he was home and we were together. But I’d fall to the lowest low when he went to work or left for one of his daring climbing trips, like the ice-climbing expedition he did last year. For once in my life I want stability, you know?”
Reagan nodded slowly, her brows pinching together a little bit. “Yeah, I understand what you’re saying.”
Something about her expression gave Claire pause. “But?”
Squinting, Reagan scrunched her nose a little. “I don’t want this to come out wrong, so feel free to tell me to fuck off or that I have no idea what I’m talking about. It’s just...while I get you had this awful, traumatic experience and have every reason to be fearful, I also think maybe it’s unhealthy to let it rule your life like that. Being afraid of flying or avoiding air shows for the rest of your life? Yep, get that. No question. But projecting that fear onto anyone you care about who wants to do anything with the slightest risk? I’m not sure that’s fair. To them or to you.”
Claire processed that for a moment, trying to repel her knee-jerk defensive reaction. “I don’t think I project it on everyone I care about. And I don’t expect Graham or anyone else to stop doing things they love because of my issues. I’m just saying those things affect who I choose to commit and start a family with. Is that so wrong? Don’t we all have nonnegotiables when it comes to searching for a partner?”
“Sure. I’ve always said I’d never marry someone who eats meat. I feel strongly about the reasons I’ve chosen to live a vegan lifestyle and I want to find someone who shares those beliefs. But can I promise with one hundred percent certainty that if the right man came along who happened to be a carnivore, I’d turn him down?” She shook her head. “Sometimes love likes to mess with us and remind us we’re not the ones in control.”
Claire frowned. “Love sounds like an asshole.”
“Sometimes it is.”
“From the very start I said I wouldn’t marry Graham and I never said otherwise. Our feelings may have changed during the course of the last month, but that doesn’t mean my decision did. All I’m doing is standing by what I’ve said all along. Is that so awful? Am I the most selfish person in the world?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Reagan said. “When someone falls in love with you, you’re not obligated to respond in a certain way. It sucks to know you hurt someone, but you have to do what you think is right. I’m not saying you should be with Graham to appease him—even if he took a huge step out of his comfort zone. I’m just worried about you. You seem pretty miserable. Are you sure this is what you want?”
Shewasmiserable.
But continuing on the path she and Graham were headed down could foster a whole different kind of misery. One she’d lived through and never wanted to experience again.
A tiny voice in the back of her mind hinted it was too late. Relationship or not, Graham was the most important person in her life and she was already invested in his well-being and happiness.
“I don’t know,” Claire admitted, tucking her legs up against her chest. “I think so?”
Reagan cocked a single eyebrow.
Claire groaned. “Why couldn’t I have just met another guy sooner? I joined a dating app and everything. Maybe if I’d found someone nice this never would have happened.”
“You’d rather the last few weeks with Graham never happened?”
Damn Reagan and her shrewd questions. She was as bad as Mia.
“No.” She’d always remember them. “Sure would have made things easier, though.”
