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Instead, I lean closer, breathing in the scent that radiates from the top of her head. I commit it, and this moment, to memory, trying to bury my fears.
Because there’s nothing I can do anyway, nothing that will change the future. Whatever happens next is out of our hands. If there’s no stopping it, why let her be burdened by the grim reality? If anything, I wish I could be as innocent and naive as she is.
Our clock is already ticking. And all we can do is enjoy the time that we have, whatever that may be.
111
ANASTASIA
“This game makes no sense,” Volikan grumbles beside me. Though he’s always been a bit dark and gloomy, this feels different somehow. I suspect that he’s grumpy about something more than the game I’m trying to teach him.
I bite back a sigh, trying to stay positive. One thing I’ve learned is that matching Volikan’s bad mood with one of my own helps nothing. Instead, I just start picking the stones up off the table, calling an end to our game.
“That’s okay,” I offer. “We can do something else.” There’s no evidence on his face that he’s relieved, which confirms my suspicion that he’s upset about something else.
In fact, there’s no real evidence that he’s heard me at all. He seems to be staring off into space, paying no attention. Whatever he’s thinking about, it certainly seems deep, and has captivated his attention.
I don’t mind that Volikan has an occasional bad mood. It’s only normal, after all. Everyone feels down sometimes, and he’s come so far from where he started.
I have everything that I could have ever wanted, here in this house. It’s the best conclusion I could have ever dreamed of, even if I worried that I would never see this. Early on, when Volikan seemed to want nothing to do with me, I never imagined we could ever end up here.
It’s not just this house, which is so much better than anything I’ve had before. I have plenty to eat, and a warm place to stay, and all the basic comforts that anyone could desire. When I was held prisoner by the King, there were no comforts – there was barely enough food.
Even on Protheka, in the human camp, hunger was a routine part of life. We were often cold, hungry, tired, and basically struggling every minute to stay alive.
This is the first time where I don’t feel that constant pressure. Here, I’m provided for. I’m safe, and cared for, and someone like me knows just how valuable that truly is.
And it’s not just the stuff that Volikan gives me, the resources. He’s warmed up to me, and we seem to grow closer every day. We talk about nothing, for hours, and spend almost every second together.
I always knew there was another side to him, something more than the dark, glowering demon who wished me harm. I knew there was something hidden, deep in his core, something kind and good. It took a lot to bring it out, but now that I have, I know it was worth all the effort.
Like I said, I don’t mind that he has an occasional bad day. But I didn’t work this hard to see him fall back into his old patterns. I’m not willing to give up and lose him to the gloom that he wallowed in before.
I study him, trying to think of a solution. He doesn’t even seem to notice me, absorbed in his thoughts. Then it hits me, in a brilliant strike of genius.
There’s one thing that always improves his mood. I stand up, putting the little cloth baggie of stones away on a shelf. Maybe we can try again another day.
Then I turn back around, slowly sidling toward Volikan. He’s seated on the sofa, staring off into space. But when I get close enough to grab his shoulders, he turns to face me, his eyes widening in interested surprise.
That’s better, I think. Finally, he’s focused on me. He smirks a little as I slide my leg across his lap, straddling him.
With a hand on either side of his face, I lean forward, kissing him deeply. He doesn’t hesitate to return the gesture, and soon I can feel myself heating from the inside out.
I press my chest against him, pressing fervent, intimate kisses against his skin. Though he’s participating, I still sense a certain degree of hesitation. He’s interested, but it just feels…off.
I persist, trying to coax him along. It’s hard for me to put my finger on just what is wrong. He’s not rejecting me outright, and our impromptu make out session isn’t bad. It just feels like only half his mind is on the task. The other half must be a million miles away, and I can’t help but wonder why.
I sit up, pulling away from him slightly. I can’t help but feel a little wounded to realize that his heart just isn’t into it. Our eyes lock as I shift back, and my heart sinks to see that he doesn’t seem upset by my action.
In fact, he barely seems to notice at all. His gaze seems to go right through me, making me feel about two inches tall.
I’ve never been so confused. To see him now, it’s easy to think that he doesn’t care about me at all. But I know that he cares, deep in my heart.
He has no reason to treat me as well as he does, if he didn’t care. He could do whatever he wanted with me, but he’s so careful and protective. That’s a choice that he’s made all on his own, an obvious reflection of the way that he values me.
I don’t know what’s going on with him right now, but I know it can’t be that he doesn’t care. He could have strapped me to the rack and left me in the dungeon, only paying attention long enough to force himself on me. He could have used me at his leisure, only engaging me for the purpose of breeding.
In fact, that’s exactly what his King expected him to do. He could have, with no guilt or recrimination. No one but me would have thought anything of it.
