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Fuck.
I swallowed hard and grabbed Rae’s hand. Whatever this was, it wasn’t good. Was it an infection? Did I have to stay longer than expected?
“What is it?” I asked, my voice coming out weaker than I hoped.
“There’s no easy way to say this, Duke. I had hoped things would improve, but…”
“But what?” I practically yelled when he didn’t continue.
“We haven’t restored the blood flow to your leg the way I had hoped. Without adequate blood flow, cells within your leg will be deprived of oxygen normally found in your bloodstream. The tissue will begin to die off and infection may set in. In addition, it doesn’t appear that your nerve endings are properly restored, which can take some time, but again…”
“You’re not seeing what you want to see,” I finished.
He nodded.
“And all of this means what?”
He looked to both of us, adjusting his glasses before continuing. “Which means that you need to prepare yourself for the possibility of an above the knee amputation.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked as I stared at the doctor. I heard Rae’s sharp intake of breath as she squeezed my hand tight at his words. I hadn’t been mistaken. He was fucking telling me I was going to lose my leg.
“I’m not telling you we’re going to have to amputate.”
“You’re just saying it’s looking more and more like a possibility,” I grunted.
“Duke, you can’t lose faith. There are so many treatments available right now. We can try stem cell therapy. There are different types of therapy for stimulating the nerves. And there’s also laser light therapy. None of those are out of the question for you, and if they work, you could regain full use of your leg. It’s just going to take time to let it work.”
Icouldregain use of my leg. Itmightwork. He didn’t want to say the obvious, that it was likely I’d lose my leg. After all that treatment, I’d likely have it cut off anyway. He was just too chicken-shit to speak the words.
“We’re not giving up,” the doctor continued. “This is not the end of the—”
“Doc,” I barked at him, making him shut the fuck up. I sighed and rubbed at my forehead, yanking my hand from Rae’s grasp. I did not need this fucking shit right now. I just got done talking with the social worker, telling her my viewpoints on the case with Theo. I’d relinquished any idea of taking care of the kid because I thought it was best for him. Now, I was certain it was. What kind of parent would I be with one fucking leg? Christ, how could I be the man Rae needed as a gimp?
She was so strong and nothing got her down. Now I was supposed to tether her to me, dragging her alongside my ass as the doctors tried every fucking treatment possible? She had a life to live, and it definitely wasn’t with someone that needed help getting on and off the fucking toilet every fucking day.
“We’ve already discussed further treatments with your doctor back home. They’ve agreed on the course, and will be ready for you when you arrive back home. You just need to call and schedule your first appointment. The doctor there will assess you and make sure he agrees with me before continuing any treatment.”
Blah, blah, fucking blah. Every word out of this guy’s mouth were more platitudes. They’d make sure they agree…He was on board with my treatment…Why didn’t they just say what they were thinking? There was no fucking treatment for me. I saw it in his eyes when he walked in the room. He knew he was dealing me a shit hand, but wanted to give me hope. Fucking hope. Like there was a point to that. I’d rather get a bullet to the head and have it over with quickly than face a month of therapy only to die anyway.
Okay, shitty analogy, but that’s what it felt like right now. They were basically keeping my leg on life support on the off chance something might help. I didn’t need fucking hope. I needed the God’s honest truth so I could prepare for what was ahead. This hope bullshit only made me want to murder someone, which was what got me in this mess in the first place.
I didn’t even realize the doctor was leaving until the door swung shut. Good riddance, motherfucker.
“Duke—”
“How the fuck do you like that?”
“What?” Rae asked.
I huffed out a humorless laugh. “You heard him.”
“Yeah, I heard him say there were options available. Why do you look like you just got a death sentence?”
I closed my eyes and leaned back to rest. “I don’t need fucking hope, Rae. If I’m gonna lose my leg, they need to just fucking take it,” I snapped.
“I’m sorry, but who is this man in front of me?”
“Excuse me?”
