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“Thought you might pick up on your favorite word.” Grinning, I cackled at him. “Yes, my new employer, Rafe, is a great guy. He’s worked with divers of various ability levels for years. I want to gauge your needs before we tackle Hawaii or Cancun this winter. And besides, I owe you a dive. I know it’s just a pool—”
“It’s everything.” Holden took on a dreamy expression, and I rolled my eyes at him.
“It’s a start. And these are skills I want too. I watched a video of Rafe diving with an eighty-year-old with arthritis the other day. I want to be able to give people those sorts of experiences.”
“You do? Chief Solo Diver?” Clearly amazed, Holden shook his head. “Look at you.”
“I’m still me.” Cheeks heating, I shrugged. “It’s…a different kind of service. Like, the recovery work is one way to pay it forward, but the teaching is another.”
“You don’t owe the world anything.” Holden squeezed my hands. “There’s no debt you need to pay off.”
“I understand that.” Understand was perhaps overstating things a bit, but I was trying to get there for my sake as well as Holden’s. “And I know I don’t need to do something and still want to do it. Survivor’s guilt is a real thing. A big part of my PTSD. And doing things like teaching and the recovery dives helps.”
“Wow. I’ve never heard you talk about PTSD so directly.”
“Well, that group Doc Washington has been dragging me to, they say when we label things, we give them less power over us.” I quirked my mouth because I was still sorting out how I felt about going to a support group. Army. Navy. A couple of marines and some air force personnel to make nice with. All reserves or vets. Just trying to get through. “And it’s funny, but it’s working. Admitting my sleep issues are PTSD has made it easier to tackle them.”
“And here I thought sleeping next to me was the cure.” Holden winked before bumping my shoulder. “I’m joking. I know it’s a multipronged attack. I don’t have a magic dick.”
“Oh, it’s magical, all right.” I gave a happy sigh at the memory of my homecoming a few nights prior. True to his word, he’d tied me up, a complicated new position to boot, showing off his latest research, and he’d worked me open slowly until I took four fingers easily and the tease of a thumb. Not quite fisting, but we had plenty of time to get there, and the trying was damn fun. And hot as fuck. Unsurprisingly, after two giant orgasms, I’d slept like a log. “Nothing wears me out like you.”
“I’m so glad the group is helping.” Holden ignored my compliment in favor of rubbing my hand.
“Bringing home that sailor, that helped too,” I whispered. I hadn’t talked much about my trip yet. I loved how Holden gave me space to come around to opening up on my own. Space where I could process and make sense of things. “All his friends were waiting on shore. Good-sized crowd.” I wasn’t doing justice to the somber sight of at least a dozen personnel, all respectfully standing at attention as my team and I brought up the remains. The missing sailor had had a hero’s send-off, and I hoped like hell he’d found the peace he hadn’t here on earth. Also, seeing so many former contacts among those on the shore reminded me of the kinship all service people shared. I hadn’t stopped being a part of that even during the years I’d lost sight of the deep connection. “Friends like those, it’s a family. Forgot how I have that too.”
“You do.” Holden leaned in, brushing a kiss across my forehead. “And you’re always going to have a family with me.”
“Hope—Know so. And ditto.” I put conviction into my voice. Holden deserved better than wish or try or hope. What we had was the real deal, and while both of us were working on trust, I didn’t doubt that Holden wanted to be my family. “I don’t have any ready-made relatives for you, but I’ve got me.”
“And that’s more than enough.” He kissed me then, deep and true, and it was almost enough to make me forget why we were at the scuba facility.
But right as I pulled back from the kiss, Rafe pulled into the lot in a shiny black half-ton truck, and I shifted my attention to prepping for Holden to dive.
Because it was a temperature-controlled pool, we didn’t need full dry suits, enabling us to use the far-easier-to-fit wet suits and gear more appropriate to warmer water. I’d had to guess at Holden’s size, but seeing as how his every muscle was seared into my memory, I’d done a good enough estimate. Together, we wrestled him into his suit in the pool’s locker room before I pulled mine on.
