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“I'm so sorry,” he says finally, his voice barely above a whisper. It’s so soft that I whip my head around to look at him and confirm that it really is Sebastian speaking. “I didn't mean to shut you out, Julia. In fact, it’s the last thing I actually wanted, but…it’s just been so hard.”
I want to comfort him, to let him know that he’s not alone, but there’s something holding me back. A nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me that there’s more to this story, that Sebastian isn’t telling me everything.
Finally, I gather my courage and ask him, “Is there something else going on? Something you’re not telling me?”
Sebastian hesitates for a moment, his eyes searching mine before he finally speaks. “My dad keeps talking about the end of his life, and dying. I’m consumed by the thought of it. I can’t lose him…he even asked me to take care of Karl if anything happened to him. I didn’t want to burden you with all of that. Julia, you’re so bright and wonderful…I hate even thinking about you surrounded by all the death that has become such an overbearing part of my reality.”
I feel a confusing swirl of love and annoyance as he explains himself. Does he not think I can handle this? I’m a future judge, I thrive under pressure!
I know how close Sebastian and his dad are, and the thought of losing him must be unbearable. But the weight of taking care of someone else, on top of everything else going on, is almost too much to bear. “Karl, your employee? You’ve mentioned him a few times, but why would he be someone that your dad would be so worried about?”
Sebastian shrugs. “He sees something in the guy, and I have to admit, Karl and I have hit it off, but… I think Dad is reaching out for the few connections he has left in the world now that my mom and siblings are gone, and Karl has this sad history that he’s managed to pull himself out of, and Dad likes that.” He furrows his brow, and for the first time today, I feel his hand absentmindedly squeeze my knee as he thinks. “He asked me to treat him like family. That’s strange, isn’t it? I didn’t think so in the moment, but I was so damned tired.”
I hum as I mull his words over. Sure, it’s a little weird to want your son to treat a coworker like family, but sometimes family can be the people that you chose, not just the people related to you by blood. So I guess Karl must be someone like that for the senior Van den Bosch. “I mean, it’s somewhat odd, but it’s also sweet in a way. Does it bother you?”
He shakes his head. “No, not really. Karl deserves the best in life after all he’s been through, and like I said, I enjoy the guy’s company too. He even came to see Dad first thing after the heart attack.”
We’ve gotten off topic from anything that I really want to talk about, but I don’t really mind. Sebastian clearly needed to speak to someone about this, and him casually touching me is a good sign. Maybe slowly, but surely, he’s letting go of some of the pressure inside of him, and when he’s finally done, he’ll be more like himself.
Then when he’s himself again, the ring box might come out…
Gosh, I’ve missed him so much. I hate everything that has come between us…how difficult my mother has made this, not even mentioning the tragedies in Seb’s life. I feel the weight of our shared pain, so I reach out and take his hand where it rests on my leg, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’m here for you,” I say softly, meaning every single word. “Whatever you need.”
Sebastian’s eyes meet mine, and I can see the gratitude in them. “Thank you, sweetheart.”
His affectionate name warms me from the inside out like a mug of hot cocoa on a cold day. We sit here for a while longer, lost in our own thoughts.
Then, Sebastian turns to me once more. He flips my hand over, tracing the lines of my palms with his fingers like he’s in a trance, causing me to shiver from pleasure. “Julia,” he begins, his eyes lock on mine once more and he’s got my full attention. “Since the day I met you, I’ve felt such a strong connection with you. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before, so strong and magnetic. I truly, honestly felt like I had met my future wife.”
My heart does a little somersault at the word “wife” causing my lips to part open. Gosh, I can't believe what I'm hearing, and even tears start to well up in my eyes. “Seb…”
His hands move from my palm to cup my face, his thumbs ghosting over my cheekbones as emotion swells in me so large that it’s hard to breathe. He observes me attentively, his dark brown eyes, soft and tender, as he utters four little words.
“I love you, Julia.”
This is it! It’s happening!
My heart pounds with excitement, blood rushing through my body and flushing my cheeks and chest, turning them a rosy pink. I’m sure he’s about to propose any second, and the urge to press my lips to his, to taste the words on his tongue before he says them, is overwhelming. Yet, just as I’m about to kiss him, he lays a hand right above my heart and holds me back.
“Let me finish.”
Hope is still hovering like a moth above my head, but it’s hanging on by only a single thread. Just like before, my brain is fighting with my heart, chanting,something is wrong, something is wrong.
“I had to say it to you, because it’s what I really feel, and you deserve to know the depths of my feelings for you.” Sebastian licks his lips nervously and fixes his eyes out on the blue water, away from me. “Having said that, I can’t forget the fact that my dad is so against our union. Our argument…” he stops mid-sentence, and I can see how much he’s struggling to proceed with what he’s got in mind. “God, this is so hard to talk about.” He then pauses for a moment, heaving a long sigh as he gathers the courage to finish. “Our argument before he had the heart attack, was about you and I. My father knows about us now, and it nearly killed him.”
Time stops, holding still for one long moment as I forget to breathe, and then it all hits me like a ton of bricks. Lurching away from him, I stand on shaky legs, not wanting him to touch me at all in this moment. Knowing about us nearly killed his father? How can I possibly live with that knowledge? Why is he telling me this?
I’m beyond stunned by his words, holding my hands over my chest to try and contain the aching inside of it. “What does that mean?” I ask, feeling a knot form in my stomach.
Sebastian looks down at his feet, and I can see the pain in his eyes. “It means that I can’t just ignore my dad’s wishes,” every word is a struggle, his voice low. “I love you, Julia, but I can’t go against my family. It’s tearing me apart, but I have to do what’s right for my father.”
My heart shatters as I realize that he’s not going to propose after all. I take a deep breath, trying to hold back my tears. “I don’t understand. Why…why in the world would you bring me here to tell me that you want me, but at the same time, don’t want to be with me?”
He closes his eyes as if he can’t bear to look at me. “Because this is how things are and you deserve to know the truth. I can focus on my father and our company, and you can focus on getting your law degree. You already mentioned leaving class early today to see me and I never wanted to get in the way of your education–”
“Five minutes!” I interrupt, clenching my hands into fists. “I left class five minutes early, Seb. Stop making excuses or trying to shirk off any responsibility for what you are doing right now. Either you want me, or you don’t.”
“Julia…of course I want you. But I can’t have you. Not now, maybe not ever. My life…the longer it goes on, the more that I’m sure I’m meant to spend it alone. But you need–” He stops, and I see a quick flash of anger on his features, which gives me pause. He can’t say that I deserve someone else! He doesn’t want to consider me being with another man, which means he still doesn’t want to give me up. There is still hope.
