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“Julia,” he replies, his voice monotone and lifeless. I can sense the pain and grief in his tone, and it breaks my heart even more.
“I’m so glad you’re okay,” I gush, relieved that he’s at least physically unharmed. “But, oh God, Sebastian...your mom! Your siblings! I just heard. Are you…?”
“I’m not okay, no,” he tells me, cutting me off before I can finish my question. “Physically, sure.”
He sounds like a total stranger, all the joy and vigor gone from his deep voice, and it makes me want to reach through the phone and hug him tightly, to take away some of his pain. But I know that’s not possible, not right now.
“I don't even know what to say…Sebastian…” I choke out a sob, unable to hold back my emotions any longer. It hurts to imagine him in so much pain, and I can’t help but feel his loss as my own.
“You don’t need to say anything. I’m getting off here,” he says, his tone final and cold.
“Wait!” I call out, desperation creeping into my voice as I try to stop him from hanging up. “I–I’m here for you, Seb. No matter what you need, no matter what time, I’m here for you.”
For a moment, I think he might open up to me, let me be there for him in this time of need. His breath hitches on a sob, but then more silence. He has clearly shut down, and I can tell that he’s not ready to talk about it yet.
“Stay home,” he finally says. “Stay near your mother and don’t go out in public alone for a few days, okay? Listen to me, Julia, because I can’t lose you, too. I just–” he stammers, his voice breaking. “Just keep yourself safe.”
I nod, even though he can’t see me. “I will,” I promise. “But Seb—”
“We’ll talk when I’m back,” he interrupts, his tone growing stern. “For now just…fuck, Julia, all I need from you right now is to stay safe.”
The call clicks again as the connection is severed, and I hold the phone woodenly in my hands as I try to process everything that is happening right now. The majority of the Van den Bosch family is now dead…murdered…and the crime occurred in Sebastian’s car. I recognized the burnt shell of it on the news, have ridden in the passenger seat with the wind in my hair and my mind carefree. Never again, though. My mind is in chaos as I struggle to comprehend the magnitude of the tragedy.
“Who could do something like that?” I ask, my voice trembling with shock and disbelief. “Oh my gosh, they tried to kill him! It was his car, it was aimed at him!”
Gabi places a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Look, right now you have to calm down, Sebastian is coming back soon, okay? He’s going to need you more than ever now. There is barely anyone left that even can be there for him.”
But I can’t calm down. I feel so powerless and helpless right now. Sebastian is my everything, and the thought of losing him because someone wants to kill him badly enough to rig his car to explode is unbearable. I can’t imagine what he must be going through, losing his entire family in one fell swoop.
I shoot to my feet, full of nervous energy, and pace back and forth. The TV continues to play in the background, showing footage of the family, the estate, the car, and telling the story over and over again. It looks, and feels, like a nightmare. I want to turn it off, but I can’t stop watching, hoping beyond hope that something in the headline will change as it will become even a little less tragic.
It doesn’t change. Things like this never do.
Tears stream down my face as I try to make sense of it all. Why did this happen? Who could be capable of such a heinous act? My mind races with a million questions, but there are no answers to be found.
I feel a sudden urge to hold onto something, someone. So I turn back to the sofa, sitting slowly, where my best friend watches me with tears in her own eyes. I reach for Gabi and hug her tightly, as if trying to hold onto the only anchor I have left in this storm. Gabi hugs me back, her arms a shelter from everything, understanding the depth of my pain the best she is able. It doesn’t ease the ache inside of me, not really, but her grip, firm and sure, keeps me in one piece, at least.
***
The minutes drag on as we wait for more news from Sebastian. Gabi pours out the now cold coffee and makes me some fresh, pouring it and bringing me the mug, already doctored with cream and sugar, carefully sitting it in my outstretched hands. It’s hot, close to burning, but I don’t mind at this point. The heat centers me.
My thoughts are in turmoil, jumping from one idea to the next. I think about the time I’ve spent with Sebastian, and the things he’s told me about the family that he obviously loves very much. He would pretend to sound annoyed about his responsibilities as the oldest sibling, but I never doubted that he cared for his brother and sister with his entire heart. Now all that happiness has been snuffed out. How can someone experience something like that and possibly go on?
Gabi stays for a while, emailing my professors for me and forcing me to shower once I’ve finished my coffee and nearly-burnt toast that she made me. I go through the shower motions as if on autopilot, barely towel-drying my hair before emerging, changing into a sweatshirt and leggings, and going back to the couch where I have been holding my somber, silent vigil. When I check my phone, Sebastian still hasn’t called.
She eventually has to leave, but tucks a blanket around me before she does so, kissing my cheek and squeezing both of my hands in hers to let me know that she’s here for me if I need her. It’s almost a relief when the door shuts behind her, because now I can let the tears fall and the sobs come without disturbing her.
I never turn the news off, and it never stops covering the Van den Bosch tragedy. As the sun begins to set outside of my window, the news reports that the rest of the family—Sebastian and his dad Johannes—is safe and on their way back to the Netherlands. There are no further details about it, but it’s good to know Sebastian will be home soon.
Startling me, my phone rings, and I scramble to answer it, my heart in my throat. To my surprise, and disappointment, it’s my mom on the other end of the line.
“Julia, darling,” Mom breathes, doing her best to sound sad. It isn’t convincing, though. “I’ve only just heard the news, my love. I know how hard this whole situation must be on you, but why don't you come home for a few days? I’m sure it’ll do you some good to be away from everything and it will give me some peace of mind to know that you are safe.”
I consider the offer. Being back at the family home and in the comfort of the place I grew up does sound nice, but I need to be available for when Sebastian returns. I will never be able to see him if I’m under the same roof as my mother, and I know deep in my heart that he’s going to need me, even if he denies it. So, for Sebastian, I decline.
“I appreciate your offer, Mom, but I think I should stay here. I’ve still got class over the next few days,” It isn’t an outright lie, but definitely not the entire truth, either.
“I don’t think it's prudent for you to stay alone in Amsterdam, Julia. You need to be with your family right now,” my mom insists.
