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Julia doesn’t look thrilled. “It’s going to feel like an eternity here without you.”
I can’t help myself, I have to kiss her again, leaning towards her and cupping the back of her head to pull her face into mine. It’s a gentle press of lips, meant to keep things easy between us, but the residual heat from before comes roaring back, and in seconds my tongue is in her mouth and I’m wrapping my arms around her body. Realizing what I’m doing, I snap out of it and stumble back to my feet, leaving her even more flustered on the bed than before, alone. I have to go, even if it feels like it might kill me to leave her like this.
“You have no idea how much I hate to leave. I feel like I just want to skip that damn interview and stay here with you.”
“That’s fine by me,” she responds huskily.
“Julia…Julia…” I can’t help but laugh sardonically, head shaking. “You are such a terrible temptation, you know that? I used to have my life in order before meeting you.”
“As if,” She rolls her eyes, pulling her sheet tighter against herself. “By having your life together do you mean spending every waking minute working? You know, even your dad had time to get married and have children.”
I didn’t think anything could take me off guard, but when Julia mentions marriage and children I feel a flush coming up my neck and into my face, making me feel hot as I button my shirt and tuck it back into my slacks. I have a vision of Julia, sitting in our own bed, somewhere completely new, sun streaming in and illuminating her rocking our new infant, and an unnamed emotion swells in my heart like a river after a monsoon. God, how simple and wonderful everything would be if she was my wife. No bothersome parents, no overbearing job…just Julia, and I.
I don’t balk at the idea, but instead look her directly in the eye. “That’s true. We should talk about it when I get back.”
Julia’s mouth falls open, not expecting such a serious response from her quip I’m sure, but I take the opportunity to kiss her once more in the following silence, breathing her in and savoring this moment before pulling back and telling her goodbye. She replies in kind, weakly, and I finally tear myself away and out of the apartment.
In my car and on the road, away from the spell that surrounds Julia, I know one thing for sure: I have to speak to Margaret about my intentions when I get back. Not only is Julia too special, too precious to me, to ever be something as casual as a fling, but the last thing in the world I want is for Margaret to enact some sort of awful revenge for me having an affair and tainting her daughter. I need her to know that my intentions are honorable–I want to make Julia Van Dieren my wife.
12
Julia
Sitting in the university library,surrounded by the musty smell of old books, my mind is constantly drifting back to the conversation I had with Sebastian just a few days ago in my apartment. It quickly got out of hand; what was supposed to just be a quick visit turned into Sebastian stripping me nearly naked as we were making out in my bed. I can’t lie to myself and say that I didn’t half expect that outcome, expected it, even, but it was still so much, so fast. The thought of him fills me with a sense of anticipation and excitement, but also a hint of fear.
It's as if Sebastian is a wild animal that I'm trying to tame, and the act of doing so could lead to either joy or sorrow. I’m very, very rapidly starting to feel incredibly strong things for him, and now I’m even fantasizing about the way our life might look if things get more serious. Our connection is so real and powerful that there is no way I can deny what he makes me feel. Heck, I was ready to let him take my virginity right there in my bed before he got the phone call that tore him away, and I’ve never even gotten close with anyone else! The thought of his touch, his kiss, sends shivers down my spine.
My heart races with the possibility of a future together. I can see us building a life filled with love, passion, and adventure. But at the same time, I feel a sense of trepidation, as if this dream is too good to be true. How well do I really know Sebastian? We’ve been on a few dates, talked constantly over the phone, and texted when we couldn’t be together in person, and then had one incredibly heated encounter in my apartment–but that’s it. Sebastian also met Alex, who apparently approves of him for the most part, but that still doesn’t mean that we’ve had a traditional courtship that would naturally lead to marriage. Instead, we’ve been doing almost everything in secret, falling for one another while completely shutting the world out.
I look around the library, thinking about how I should be studying, not getting myself all tangled up in tenuous ideas of the future. It’s so hard, though, because I realize that nothing in life is certain, and I don’t want to waste my chance at happiness, even if it is with a man my mom isn’t thrilled about and who is significantly older than I am. When I am with Sebastian, I feel like we are invincible. It’s only when I’m alone that these doubts begin to worm themselves into my thoughts.
I close my eyes and imagine a future with him, I can’t help but feel a sense of euphoria wash over me. I know that whatever challenges we may face, we’ll face them together, as a team. And that's all I could ever ask for.
Just like the words he spoke before he left, promising that we would talk about marriage when he returned, I know that he and I are on the same page. We share a bond that goes beyond mere attraction, but said attraction is burning so hotly between us now that not much else can get through my brain. It’s like two single thoughts bouncing in my skull constantly: marriage with Sebastian, and sex with Sebastian.
Feeling my cheeks warm, I pull the book I’m trying to read about criminal law up to cover my face, and groan internally.Get yourself together, Julia!
My musings are interrupted when I hear someone speed walking through the silent library towards me, and look up from my book to see Gabi rushing over, a magazine clutched in her hand. She sits down, clearly buzzing with energy, and brandishes the gossip rag she’s carrying with a high-pitched squeal. A few of the other library goers whip their heads around or narrow their eyes, annoyed, but Gabi pays them no mind, waving the damn thing in my face.
“Look what I found,” Gabi says, pointing to a page in the society events section. “It’s you and the broody man, dancing at the ball!”
I take the magazine from her and study the picture, feeling a slight blush creeping up my neck as I look at Sebastian’s face. He looks so handsome in his tuxedo, his arm wrapped tightly around my waist as we swayed to the music.
“Where did you find this?” I ask Gabi, trying to hide my embarrassment.
“I was at a beauty salon during my lunch break, and they had this magazine lying around,” she tells me, grinning. “I was just flicking through it when I stumbled across this picture of you and your man.” Gabi puts a heavy emphasis on the last word, lowering her voice and raising her eyebrows.
“His name is Sebastian,” I correct her, feeling protective of him as I quietly close my book and set it aside so I can give all my attention to the picture of Sebastian and I.
Gabi leans in, her eyes sparkling with curiosity. “Well, then. How isSebastiandoing?”
I begin to lower my gaze, lost in thought about our intimate moments together, which only causes Gabi to start giggling and teasing me to spill all the juicy details.
“Oh, I know that look! You need to tell me right now what the two of you have been up to!”
I playfully shove her shoulder, laughing. “I’m not telling you anything, Gabi. A lady never kisses and tells.”
But in truth, I’m tempted to tell her everything about my feelings for him, my fears about him leaving for his hunting trip, and my hopes for our future together. After all, Gabi is my closest friend here at school, and she would understand my heart’s deepest desires. Even better, I know she won’t judge the more steamy activities that Sebastian and I got into the other night, other than some light teasing. Yet, when I look inward, I find that I don’t actually want to share those sorts of details with anyone yet. I want to keep them for myself, my own little private memories that are only shared between Sebastian and I. They’re…special to me, I guess. So, I give her the next best thing to sate her curiosity.
