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“Of course, El. I’d love that.”
We don’t hold hands, but I let Johan link his arms through mine as I walk him outside. We try to talk, but the conversation is awkward and stilted now that we’re alone once more. I wish it were different, I really do, but things have just changed, and at this point in my life, I want to be with Dan. Even if the ghosting wasn’t Johan’s fault, he didn’t fight for me, either. I know in my heart that Dan would have––just like he is now, in his own grumpy way. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad for Johan, though, or that I don’t still grieve what might have been.
It’s another beautiful day, and the sun on my skin burns away any lingering sleepiness I have from my restless night. We reach the gate, barely speaking, where Johan’s driver is idling and waiting for him.
“I guess this is your stop,” I joke. “I don’t want to keep you waiting.”
“You know if you asked me to stay, I would,” he tells me, and when I don’t respond right away, Johan sighs and leans in to kiss me on the cheek. It isn’t a quick, polite peck, but a slow and lingering kiss that feels much too intimate for where he and I stand right now. I don’t have the heart to push him away, though, and after a moment he pulls away, whispering to me, “Once you grow tired of him, you know where to find me.”
I open my mouth to say something, though I don’t know what, but Johan presses an envelope into my hands before I can do so. He gives me one last tender look, tucking a piece of my loose hair behind my ear, before activating the gates and heading towards his car.
I touch my cheek where he kissed me, feeling dizzy as I watch the car pull away. It’s only after the driver turns the corner and the car is out of my view that I remember the envelope in my hand.
I open it carefully, heart beating oddly fast, and shake the contents out into my palm. There are two pieces of paper; the first is the same picture I have in my study, the one of Johan and me at camp all those years ago. We look so much younger and carefree, none of the weight of the drama surrounding both of our lives weighing on us just yet. Knowing that he kept a copy of this photo too makes my stomach do flip flops, and on instinct, I flip it over, knowing before I even see the words that he must have left me a message on the back.
It says, “Let’s meet in England this fall,” which confuses me until I bring the other piece of paper to the front and see what it really is. Once I identify what he’s gifted me, I can’t help but gasp. It’s a ticket to the Horse of the Year Show––one of the biggest equestrian shows in England, set in October. Of course, it’s a VIP ticket too. The gift causes emotion to swell in me because it’s so thoughtful… Johan might be one of the only people to know how much I’ve always wanted to attend it, and now he’s made it a reality for me, if I’m comfortable attending at his side, that is…
I turn the picture back over in my hand and scan over every inch of it. My heart aches for what could have been, and a thread of doubt forms in my mind about what still can be, if I want to pursue it with Johan. I trace my finger over his face in the picture, deep in thought. How can he be such a good man that he’d still want a second chance with me?
There’s no way he didn’t get the message that I was trying to send him about my wanting to turn the page. Fortunately, we’ll have the dinner at my parents’ soon to clarify all that.
It takes me a fair amount of time to go back to my room, and I spend longer than I’d like to admit staring in the direction that Johan’s car disappeared. Checking my phone, I realize everyone else is probably already out enjoying breakfast, and I’m just standing here like a fool.
I start to head to the terrace where I’m sure everyone else is, but then I pause. The envelope in my hand feeling it weighs a million pounds. This is definitely something I don’t want Dan to catch me with Andries, so instead I make my way back to my suite. After tossing the envelope in one of my luggage bags, I shut the door behind me and go join everyone else.
I’m obviously late, with a lot of the plates in front of everyone mostly empty, but I had enough fruit in my room to satiate me for the time being. I ask the server for a drip coffee with milk and settle into one of the seats, returning the brief greetings that everyone throws my way.
“I thought you overslept, but you don’t look it. What was so important that you were late, little sister?” Andries teases, waggling his eyebrows.
“If you must know, I was telling Johan goodbye at the gate.” I look around at everyone else at the breakfast table. “Why didn’t anyone else want to see him off?”
“Johan came out here and told us all goodbye earlier, but said he didn’t want anyone to walk him out, so I guess it was the plan all along to invite you only,” my brother explains, a smirk lingering on his lips.
The implications are obvious; Johan wanted to be alone with me and have time to give me the equestrian show ticket in private, but I don’t tell Andries anything else, not wanting to make him any smugger than he already is.
“One more chance to see what he can’t have, I guess,” Dan muses, leaning back in his chair. “Good riddance, I say.”
“Don’t be rude,” I hiss, and Dan just chuckles. I feel his foot under the table touching mine, and I kick at him instead of accepting the gentle flirtation. He grins at me playfully, and there is an obvious change in Dan’s demeanor now that Johan is gone. He seems lighter, and more carefree. I wish it was that easy for me.
Instead, I feel tense and unhappy thinking about the manilla envelope in my room and the sweet words Johan had offered me. I had tried to make it as clear as possible to Johan that I’m with Dan, but apparently he must believe that my affair with Dan won’t last, and he’s trying to catch my interest so when it is over, he’ll be right there to catch me.
That fact gives me a fluttery feeling in my stomach, followed immediately by heavy uneasiness when I look back at Dan. Johan is really making my life unnecessarily complicated, and he’s not even here anymore.
“So what’s on the agenda?” I ask, reaching over and grabbing a strawberry from Dan’s plate. I’m desperate to change the subject away from my ex.
Andries looks away, the humor from earlier disappearing, and shrugs listlessly. I can see Roxanne roll her eyes next to him, which leads me to believe they’ve argued about something.
“I was thinking about going to check out Villa Lysis,” my brother says. “It’s supposed to be beautiful, and I could use a little peace right now.”
“Well, I’m not going,” Roxanne declares. “But you guys have fun.”
Is this what is bothering Andries? Not visiting a villa seems like an odd thing for Roxanne to be adamant about. “Why don’t you want to go?” I ask her, genuinely curious.
“It was originally the residence of a sex-offender. I don’t think that it’s a place we should be visiting.”
Andries scoffs, annoyed. “The man lived there in the early twentieth-century and committed suicide by overdosing on cocaine. No one visits Villa Lysis to honor him, just to appreciate the scenery and architecture. Can’t you just appreciate the art for what it is without over complicating things?“
Roxanne’s voice is syrupy sweet and angry all at the same time. “You don’t care about any of that, you aren’t fooling me. You just care that he was a brooding poet like you.”
