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“I don’t have the stomach for it,” she admits, causing my lips to curve up with pride. “Not with everything I’ve already done to the two of them, plus all the nonsense that Dad has put him through as well. I just can’t do it.”
The lovely ice queen, Elise, is growing as a person, and every ounce of me wants to be there to grow with her. I lay a hand on her shoulder, and I’m able to feel the warmth of her skin through the cool silk. “I’m proud of you. You can count on me for any help that you might need.”
At my praise, she smiles softly. Our bodies move of their own accord, my lips were drawn to her as if by gravity, but as her eyes flutter closed I remember that just this morning, Johan kissed her forehead while she was in his bedroom with him, and this recollection snaps me out of the trance that she has put me in. She’s growing as a person, yes, but Elise still hasn’t told me that she wants anything more than just a friend’s with benefits relationship with me. I need so much more from her. I turn my head at the last second, lips grazing her cheek in the ghost of a kiss before I sit up straight once more.
She’s visibly disappointed, her bottom lip stuck out in a pout and hurt in her eyes. “What?”
“Goodnight, Elise,” I tell her, standing and leaving her there in the garden before I can change my mind and pull her into my arms. Elise is everything to me, but I’ll be slowly killing myself if I continue to hook up with her without receiving any love in return. What I feel for her is real, and what I want from her is a real relationship to match. She can’t give it to me, so I can’t give her the physical portion that she wants. Even if it is unimaginably painful to deny her.
“Wait!” she calls behind me. “Dan!”
I don’t respond.
Inside the villa, I can hear movement from Roxanne and Andries’s suite, but leave them to it. I don’t bother to check in on Johan and make sure that he was able to help Roxie get Andries down for the evening. He was a good man today, helping me at every turn, whether it be on the boat or with my drunk friend, but that doesn’t mean I can tolerate seeing him right now. Not after turning Elise down and remembering their moment in his suite this morning. I guess I’m not as big of a person as I thought I was.
During my nighttime ritual––brushing my teeth and showering while desperately trying to ignore the sound of Elise moving around on the other side of the wall––I can’t help but remember the vitriol-filled words Andries had spewed at me earlier in the evening.
The worst part is, he isn’t exactly wrong. I have been a fuckboy for a good part of my adult life, at least if you were to ask some of the girls I've slept with and left behind. Before Elise, I never wanted a relationship with anyone, and it’s awful to think about all the pain I probably left in my wake by refusing to have any sort of emotional connections. So I played with girls’ emotions, and now Elise is playing with mine. Is this some sort of karma for my past mistakes?
I don’t just want Elise. I love her, crave her… if the universe is punishing me by making sure that she will never be interested in me as anything other than a fling, then it has to be the worst fate I can possibly imagine.
I crawl beneath my blankets, body tired but mind restless. She’s only feet away, in the suite right next to me, but Elise and I might as well be worlds apart.
7
Elise
I’min paradise and could be doing anything I want right now… so why in the hell am I laying on the cloud-like bed in my luxury suite, only thinking of Dan?
Telling him about everything with Roxanne and the viral video scandal has made me feel a little bit lighter, and I’m grateful for it, but I can’t help but be bitter at how close we had come to kissing when he pulled away. He’s occupying every portion of my mind right now, and I just want to be back on that stone bench kissing him right now. Not here daydreaming about it instead.
I pull a pillow over my face and scream out my frustrations into the soft fabric, the shrill sound of it muffled. I hate him so much sometimes, even if I’m falling for him at the exact same time.
At the thought of falling, an idea occurs to me. Dan had jumped the distance from his own balcony to mine so he could spend the night with me, so why can’t I do the same? Surely such a romantic gesture would change his mind and encourage him to kiss me like I’m craving so badly.
Well, I want more than just a kiss, but it would be a good start.
I hop up from the bed and go open the double doors to the balcony, the diaphanous curtains flowing around me in the breeze. The night is lovely, dark out towards the sea but illuminated by the many lights of the island, making me wish I had an excuse to be outside instead of cooped up thinking about a man who keeps rejecting me.
I’m full of adrenaline thinking about his reaction to seeing me on his balcony, but when I walk to the edge and grab the rail, gauging the distance, my mouth goes dry. Oh, no… that is way too far for me to jump. Dan must be insane to have done so! He wanted to be with me so badly that he had put himself in danger like that… and now he wants nothing to do with me. It hurts.
Still considering the jump, I hear a knock coming from the door, and my heart leaps. It has to be Dan! Maybe he’s coming to actually kiss me goodnight this time. Even if it goes no further, I’d be able to settle for just a kiss. Anything but the cold shoulder he’s been giving me.
I’m so certain that it’s Dan, but when I open it to see Johan instead, I can’t hide my disappointment. I clear my expression to something neutral as soon as I notice how grumpy I must look, but thankfully Johan is gentlemanly enough not to mention it.
“Hey,” he drawls, leaning against my door frame. “I just wanted to let you know Andries vomited, but he’s sleeping peacefully now. Poor guy, he’s going to regret all of that in the morning.”
“Thank you for telling me.” I smile up at him, feeling bad that my brother had been the last thing on my mind before Johan knocked.
“Elise,” he begins, rubbing the back of his neck as if he’s nervous. “What are you doing right now? Do you want to go outside and enjoy the night air with me? Maybe look at some stars?”
“Well…” The invitation catches me off guard, and I twist the edge of my silk robe in my fingers while I consider the request.
“Oh, come on. Remember when we did the same thing at camp, and the moon was full? It was so dark that we could even see satellites go by, except near the moon. I’ve never seen the sky look so beautiful ever since that night.” His gaze is meaningful, as if he isn’t only talking about the sky. “Let’s go. When will we have another chance like this?”
He’s right. After this trip, it’s unlikely we’ll have time to sneak away to stargaze. Thinking back to when we did so all those years ago, and how magical it had felt laying beside him in the cool grass, I’m overcome by a wave of nostalgia.
“Okay,” I give in. “Let me find some shoes and we can go.”
