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“Shewon’t.”Insertfoot into mouth.“Imean,Ijust can’t see her marrying anyone but my dad.”
Shenods but doesn’t reply.
“Areyou going toU-Dubin the fall?”Iask.
Thismakes her genuinely smile. “Yes!I’mso excited.I’mmajoring inMolecularandCellularBiology.WevisitedSeattlea few months ago.Luke, it’s so amazing there!Iwish you could see it.It’ssuch a cool city.Ican’t wait to move there.”
“Iwould have liked that.NotsureI’llever travel much.”
“You’restaying here, withRacheland the baby?”
Inod. “Dadwould have wanted it that way.”
“Hewould have.Henever wanted you to leave the family ranch.”
Ilook back atRachel, and she smiles. “NeverthoughtIwould want to stay after a lifetime of just wanting to get the hell out ofAlta.”
“Iknow, butIsaw you withOlivia.Familylife suits you.”
Ifeel the implications, howIshattered her dreams of having that with me.Ican see the regret in her eyes. “Look,Syd.I’msorry for how things went down.It’staken me a while to realize how muchIhurt you.”Irub my fingers across my forehead. “Iwas terrible to you at the funeral…”
Syd’shand lands on my arm. “It’sokay,Luke.I’vealready forgiven you.Ithurt, butIcan’t imagine how much you were hurting at the time.Youwere right.Itwasn’t the time for us to continue our relationship.Everythinghad changed.Isee that now.Ionly want your happiness.”
“Youtoo.IhopeSeattleis prepared forSydneySutton, because you’ll be a force,Syd.”
Sheblushes again and drops her hand. “Wecan get together whenIcome to visit.”
“Yeah,I’dlike that.”
Weboth know that will never happen, and it’s okay.Shethrows her arms around me and squeezes tight as if it’s the last time.Ihold her close just a little longer so she knows everything we shared meant something to me, and it always will.
“Takecare of yourself,”Iwhisper.
Shepulls away. “Youtoo,Luke.”
Iturn, and the sight ofRachelsoothes all the old feelings that have become painful through the loss ofDad.Igrab her hand, hiding it between us. “Let’sgo get some lunch somewhere.Getour minds off things for a bit.”
“Ohmy!Canwe get a burger…like a real one with cheese, bacon, and cheese fries?”
Ilaugh as we walk to the parking lot. “Iforgot you haven’t been to a restaurant since beforeLittleO’sarrival.”
“Trulythe willpower of a saint.Nottoday though!Today,I’mgoing to be a glutton and even get a milkshake.”
Ilove her more all the time.Shedoesn’t know that anymore, butIdo.
16
Evan
Sittingon the tailgate of my truck,Iwait forLuketo arrive.Thefresh air has been imperative for my sanity.Noone is meant to hang out with their family twenty-four, seven.Thankfully,AuntEliseis here to distract everyone’s attention.Icame out here when she offered to fixEmber’shair, givingMomplenty of time to complain toDad.
Seemsso weird that school is over.I’vebeen waiting for this day for so long.Nowthat it’s, here it doesn’t seem real, or maybe it’s too real.Itall sort of hit me when we were inJackson.Jacksonbelongs toRachel,Luke, and me.Havingmy family there didn’t mesh with my brain.
Hereit is, graduation day, and all of it is going to change.Tobe perfectly honest,I’mtorn.Ihave to get out ofAlta.Ineed to.It’snot a question.Ithas never felt likeIbelong here, even if it is the core of my life.I’llalways be a cowboy’s son, quarterback of the small-town team, and the goodChristianboy who sits with his little sister and best friend during church.
Rightnow,Idon’t feel like any of those things.Iam, butI’mnot.It’sdifficult to explain.I’mmeant to be something more than just this.Whateverit is, lies out there.Maybeit will be inChicago.Ihope so.Iwant to feel comfortable in my own skin, and safe to be myself, no matter how fucking scary that is right now.
Itwould all be so much easier ifIhadn’t fallen in love with my best friend…andRachel.So, what ifIgo toChicagoand let go?IfIlive the wayIwant to here, who will be in my life?Supposeeveryone there accepts thatI’mbi.CanIever come home again?WillIchange so much that the people here won’t feel the same about me?
