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“I’msorry.”Hervoice is small and timid.
“Forwhat, little peach?”
“Icouldn’t bring myself to acknowledgeChristmas.NowIwishIhad.Maybeit wouldn’t have felt so…”
“Meeither.Don’tconcern yourself with it.”
Shesighs, butIam not sureI’mmaking her feel any better.
“Iwas just laying here thinkingIshould have wrapped your gift.”
Rollingher shoulder back she looks over my face. “Whatgift?”
Irise up enough so thatIcan reach over her and under my bed.Myfingers fumble around blindly.Iend up laying on top of her more thanIintended.
“Sorry, it should be right…”Myfingers feel the sharp edge of the corner.Iget a good grip on it and lift it up.Movingaway,Imake room so that she can sit up.
“Youdidn’t have to give me a gift.”
“Iknow, but the minuteIsnapped these photos,Iknew this one was perfect for you.”
Sheflips over the frame revealing a cross fox lying in the snow with two little kits.
“Ohwow!”Herfingers slide around the black frame.
“Ihave never seen one with such vibrant colors,”Itell her. “Ilove their black muzzle, haunches, and ears.Thecontrast makes the orange so much brighter.”
“Whendid you take this?”Sheasks with wonder in her voice.
Ishrug. “Twoweeks ago, after it snowed.Couldn’tbelieve she had kits.It’stoo early, butIsuspect this is her first litter.Daddywas keeping a close watch on the rock shelf nearby.Itook a few pictures of him too.”
“Thisis beautiful,Luke!Ilove it!”
Mysmile is shy, reserved, afraid to reveal too much about how that makes me feel. “Iwas thinking with the kits, you might put it in the baby’s room.Youdon’t have to…”
I’minterrupted byRachelthrowing her arms around my neck. “Ilove it!It’sperfect!”
Icarefully caress her back and hold her tightly. “Idon’t know how you plan to decorate the nursery.”
Shelets go of me and picks the frame back up, taking in the photo. “Ihaven’t thought of anything, so this is a great idea.Ilove foxes, and they are bright and colorful.Maybewoodland animals…or just foxes.”
“Ihave more photos if you want to look through them.Thereare swift and red foxes too, but that was the only familyI’verun across.”
Rachel’shead falls on my shoulder. “Youhave such an amazing eye.Iwill hang as many photos as you will let me.”
Ilean my head against her and close my eyes. “Youcan have anything of mine that you want,Rachel.Ifthose aren’t enough,I’lltake more, just to make you smile when you look at them.”
Sheprops the frame against the nightstand and rolls toward me.Stretching, she lays her head on my bare chest.Ittakes me a moment to ease down and wrap my arms around her.Iwant to tell herIlove her, thatIregret pushing her away, and thatIwant her back in my bed, just like this, every night.
Instead,Ikiss the top of her head, breathe in her scent, and rock her gently back to sleep in my arms.
* * *
EVANDER
HappyfuckingNewYear.Everyturn of the year drives me mad.Thistime it is a thousand times worse.I’mstruggling.Nevermind thatI’ma starvingBloodMoonPhayed.Attimes it feels that is allIam as ifIam nothing else except the hunger and need that plagues me constantly.Thousandsupon thousands of years of needing to feed, and yet,Ihaven’t felt satiated in forever.
Mypartner,Eve, andIhaven’t spoken all evening.I’vebeen so deep in my own thoughts lately, that we rarely talk anymore.Myjob puts me in touch with the dying, butIgrieve for so much of whatIsee.Thisworld’s cruelty to itself is agonizing.Itadds to my burden, and my mind is so full thatIhave lost myself.Iseek peace and silence.
