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"Iknow, and yeah,I'dlike to be close.Wecan keep warm."
Hescoots closer until our shoulders touch. "Iwas hopingIcould make some coffee, butIdidn't have any luck finding any kindling."
"I'llsurvive.Justbarely,"Itease, "butI'llsurvive."
Hesmiles so wide that his dimples appear. "Justdon't get all grumpy on me."
Inod. "Kindof sucks having to sit here while it rains.Notexactly the weekend camping trip we planned."
“Noneof this is what we planned,” he says matter-of-factly. “AllIwanted was to be with you,Luke.That'sall that matters," he tells me
“Forme too,"Ireply.
Underthe blanket, he timidly pulls my hand into his.Iweave our fingers together confidently, so he knowsIdon't object.Ilove holding hands with him.Itis inherently innocent, but it still feels taboo.
"Idon't want to stop touching,” he says with a tremble in his voice.
Isqueeze his hand reassuringly. "Meeither.Neverwant you to hesitate to touch me however you want,Evan."
"SometimesIdon't know whatIwant.Iwant two contradictory things."
Iscoot closer so our hips touch and guide his head down to my shoulder. "It'sokay to be confused."
"Idon't want to be."
"You'llfigure it out eventually."
Histhumb works over mine nervously. "Howcome you're never confused?Imean we're practically the same age, but you seem so sure."
Ibring our hands from under the blanket to kiss his knuckles. “BecausewhenIknew what my heart wanted,Inever questioned it.Iseriously thinkI'vebeen falling for you since that first day of school when you asked ifIwas okay.ThroughMom'ssickness and death, only you and one other person ever asked howIwas doing."
"Rachel?" he asks.
"Shit.”Iscrub my hand over my face. “Isound like a lost puppy latching on to anyone who pats his head."
Evan’shand tightens around mine. "Youdon't.It'snice, really.Ienvy you because my heart seems to know what it wants, but it's full of fear.Myhead is constantly reminding me how itshould be and howIshould act."
"Andfalling in love with your best friend's stepmom isn't what you should do."
"Andmy best friend," he adds.
Ican't respond to that.Instead,Iattempt to let it heal some of the pain.
"Imean ifGoddoesn't want us to love each other, then why did it happen?Ican't accept that this is some sin trap by theDevilmeant to turn me to the dark side."
"Howdo you know it isn't?"Mightas well lay it all out.
Hephysically deflates and drops my hand as he rolls to lie on his side.Staringoff into space, he finally shrugs. "Ican't explain it.Iknow if it's not wrong,Ishould at least be able to explain why.”
"Don'trationalize, just voice how you feel."
Hiseyes find mine. "Ifeel happy with you andRachel.Theworld feels complete and right.Andyou…"
"Whatabout me?"Iask.
"You'rethe sweetest sin.Iwant to give myself over to it when we're close.Somany times.Iwant to give in as if maybe there would be freedom whenIdo.Maybeit will truly become right and not wrong."Hetakes a deep breath and looks away, furrowing his brow. "Butdeep inside, there is this feeling that it won't.Thatit will destroy everything."Hiseyes find mine. "Includingyou, andIcan't,Luke.Isimply can't."
Howmany times can my heart break?
