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I text and ask because I fucking miss her and she never said anything about going out. I hope she is coming back, we didn’t talk, and I wish we had.
Went to visit your niece. She is cute…
Luna replies with a selfie of her and Charlotte in Audrey’s living room. Shit, she has gone to see my sister—I haven’t told my sister about us. There will be hellfire if Luna tells her what happened. Oh, dear God, why did she go visit? Yesterday she said that she had declined the invite because Audrey would flip her shit or know Luna was lying. They have a friend-sense or something. They just know stuff.
Is that a good idea?
I hit send and she responds with the middle finger emoji. I guess she thinks it is a good idea then. The thought of my sister knowing what I did to her friend in my bed this morning gives me anxiety. In fact I might break out in hives just thinking about it.
Audrey won’t understand that when I am with Luna, I feel actual feelings––the very things I have avoided like the plague. I didn’t tell Luna that, but I can’t hide from myself. When I am alone, I know I have some sort of emotional issue happening when it comes to her.
It’s frustrating to know that I like her but have no idea how to express that like a normal person. This is not my area of expertise, and I would normally ask Audrey, but I can’t exactly do that now. What do people do? Walk around feeling like this all the time? That seems like complete madness. How do you fix it? How can I fix whatever this is going on with me?
TWENTY
LUNA
Spencer kissed me on the cheek and said he needed to go to the office for a meeting. There were no meetings on his planner for today—I know that. I think he is avoiding me again. Last night we had amazing sex and now he has regrets all over again. Typical Spencer. He’d rather run and hide than speak to me.
I know I will end up hurt. I shouldn’t have got in the shower or in his bed. I just can’t stop myself. I want Spencer to want me, the same way I want him. Somewhere between his insults and fetching his laundry, I have fallen for him. Maybe even before the charity event and us accidentally getting hitched in a drive-thru chapel. I caught feelings for Audrey’s brother—my boss—and now I can’t even talk to her about it.
It’s already hurting. The moment he said it was a mistake, I felt the knife puncture my soft heart. I’m normally resilient, but he was so adamant and that stung. He did not need to think about it, not for a second. He just jumped right to it being a mistake. Only I had already had a glimpse of the future with us as a couple, and I liked it. I was attached to an outcome, and he was allergic to the idea. I need to talk about this with him—with anyone.
I pull on some clothes and quickly check off the work that needs to be done for the day, grab Spencer’s suits and drop them at the cleaners. I miss my friend, and I am missing seeing her baby because of this. Fuck it. I make a very illegal turn and drive the short distance to Audrey’s house. I need a friend today, or I will self-destruct.
While I wait for her to open the front door, I think about how to tell her, and then when I see her smile, and she hugs me, I feel like garbage about it. I can’t tell her about this—I betrayed my friend. That sinks in as I sit down in the living room to catch up with her.
“Baby gym is this really weird thing, like your yoga hippies but with babies. I hate them all, I don’t fit in there.” Audrey is telling me about her new life with a tiny person, and all I can think of is I was in bed fucking her brother only a few hours ago. “What’s up with you?” she asks, noticing that I am about three million miles away in another world.
“Nothing exciting,” I pretend she is asking in general about life. “Your job is hard.”Like your brother’s cock.I need to reign those thoughts in right now, fuck. Audrey laughs at me. “I have no time for anything to be up. Spencer is like a newborn all on his own.” I try diverting the topic, but I can tell she isn’t buying what I am selling.
“You sure that’s all?” she asks me. Audrey isn’t a fool. How can I do this without Spencer going mental, and her being mad?
“I met a guy I like…” I start, and she sits forward, “…but he isn’t into relationships, and I am not into casual shit right now. So, we are at an impasse.” I shrug because that really is just the crux of my current fucking mess.
“Do you think he will change his mind?” She is invested now.
“Highly unlikely. I think he is pretty set on his path.” Spencer doesn’t change his mind. I know that much from working with him. He is like a robot.
“Could you just enjoy it for a while?” she asks, and I pause.
“I could, but I already have feelings, and that’d hurt. So, I’ll just pull the plug. My heart is fragile enough. I can’t do this knowing I will have it broken before I start.” My friend looks at me with pity in her eyes. It makes the guilt even worse.
“I’m sorry, I wish you could just find a good one that’s ready for you,” she says. Audrey knows I won’t just settle; I want fireworks and chaos. Sort of like the shitshow I am in with her brother, but I need the forever part with it.
“He’s out there somewhere.” Under a fucking rock hiding no doubt. “This one just felt different, and I got my hopes up. I shouldn’t do that.” That is not a lie. I check the time and see texts from Spencer. I respond with a photo of me and Charlotte—which causes him to panic. He hasn’t told Audrey either—we are both shitty people keeping secrets.I hate it.
“I better go before he has a coronary episode that I am not at work,” I say, putting my phone in my pocket. “I will come see you again soon.” I talk to the tiny baby in my arms. “And I will do baby yoga with you. Your momma hates yoga. She can’t be quiet for that long.” I joke and Audrey shakes her head.
“Don’t let my brother push you around. He is a pain in the ass.” He’s a lot of things, but she isn’t wrong about that one. “Do you need me to talk to him?” she asks me.
“God no, it’s fine. We have a system and it’s working. He even likes my dog now.” Her wide eyes show me how shocked she is.
“Spencer is terrified of dogs…” she says, “…like as a kid, he would piss his pants if a dog came near him. I have a hard time imagining him with a pet at all.” She walks with me to the door.
“Athena sleeps on his bed.”When I am not in it.“She loves him.” Audrey snorts out an astonished laugh.
“My brother eats with your dog in the house?” she asks me. “Is he unwell? Maybe get him an appointment with his shrink.” I didn’t know he had one, but maybe I should do that.
