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“I like him, too.”
There’s another length of silence.
“What’s that look for?”
Jesus, is there going to be a I like him but?
“I like him more than Daddy.”
A rush of air leaves my lungs. I know all too well the guilt that he’s feeling. I struggled with it when I was in my adoptive mom and dad’s house.
In my head, it was okay to be happy. It was okay to feel joy and be glad I was finally safe and cared for, but loving or even liking someone more than my own flesh and blood was a betrayal. I don’t know if his younger age makes it easier or harder than how I felt at fifteen.
What may make him handle it better than I was able to is that Ryder has always had love. He’s always had a mother who took care of him. From what I’ve been told by Sunshine, Travis was an absent father at best. He wasn’t abusive, but neglect from someone who is supposed to care for you can be just as detrimental. It can leave a kid feeling unworthy. Don’t even get me started on the way it can lead to people-pleasing traits.
“You don’t have to feel guilty about liking him,” Sunshine assures him.
“Daddy would be mad.” His voice is almost a whisper.
“What have I always told you?”
“Daddy’s feelings aren’t my problem.”
“And that he has to work on those himself. It’s not fair for him to expect you to solve them.”
“You hate him.”
“I hate that he’s made bad choices. I hate that what he’s done makes you sad. I wish things were different, but I don’t hate him.”
“Will you and him—”
“Never,” she says, interrupting him. “I’ve never lied to you, Ryder, and I won’t start now. So, if you have any hope in your head about us getting back together again, you need to let it go.”
“I don’t think Daddy loves me.” Ryder’s voice is weak, filled with pain.
It’s so damn familiar to me. I know he’s probably internalizing all of his dad’s choices, wondering what he’s done wrong despite Sunshine’s assurances that he’s not responsible. I fought all of that growing up, and my heart aches for him.
Travis Golding was released from jail a week after he was arrested for the second time. He hasn’t tried to contact Sunshine once. Hell, I’m certain the man has a warrant out on him for jumping bail, but I’ve made it a point not to bring him up unless Sunshine does. I wouldn’t badger her with opinions unless I felt it affected Ryder in some way. I won’t bad mouth the boy’s father although I have a ton of fucking opinions about the man. I never understood someone just walking away, not trying to fight for a child. I’d have more respect if he was in her face, demanding to see his son. It would show that he actually gave a shit, but I have no doubt he’s avoiding his court ordered check-ins because he’s an alcoholic pending prosecution for two DUIs and two counts of child endangerment. Without getting help, getting sober is nearly impossible, and he’s proven he doesn’t exactly have the strongest will. I don’t doubt Travis Golding has spent his time since his release drunk and blaming others for his problems rather than seeking the help that’s required to maintain a relationship with his son.
Secondly, what does it say about a man who ruins a relationship with Sunshine? The woman is damn near perfect. If it weren’t for that fiery attitude she sometimes gets when she’s had a bad day or isn’t feeling exactly a hundred percent, she would be perfect. Honestly, I find her snippiness and those sharp claws she’s swiped at me a few times endearing. We’ve yet to have a day where I haven’t been able to fuck that attitude right out of her. Sometimes I think she gets growly just so I have to, and I love those days the best.
There’s just something about a woman standing up for herself, one who doesn’t cower and pretend to be in a good mood. I think it hints at a healthier relationship between the two of us that she feels like she can frown rather than shoot one of those fake smiles my way. She’s learned that I’m not going to pull back and give up on her when she has a bad day.
She’s learning to trust me, to trust what this is between us. I dare Travis to realize what he’s lost and try to come crawling back. I’ve never had something more to fight for than the two of them, and I refuse to take a step back.
“Daddy does love you,” she assures him, taking the high road and not adding that the man just loves beer more.
“It’s my fault Daddy got arrested again.”
