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I’m not sure what came over me in the moment, considering I’d just been questioning the mystery too. But now, being faced with the threat of giving up, I realized my true feelings.
This case was still mine. I wasn’t ready to let go.
“No,” I repeated, rising to my feet and facing my sister. “He did take care of me. In fact, he’s the only reason why I’m alive. I’m not ready to give up yet.”
Her eyes flashed gold. “He’s the reason why you almost died in the first place.”
“Cole is the reason why I almost died. If you want someone to scream at, that’s the one you want. Though Razai probably beat the fight right out of him.”
Her jaw worked. “Oh, I’ll get to him eventually. But none of this excuses Razai. He’s been pulling your strings from the beginning. Don’t you see that? You aren’t this rash, Pigeon—”
“You’re right.” I spat the bitter words. “Because all this time, I’ve been hiding and hiding and hiding. Putting my head down and doing what’s safest. But you know what I’ve realized?” Despite my anger, my frustration, all I wanted to do was hug Azra.
Her stiff shoulders relaxed beneath my palms. I finished, “Playing it safe just isn’t in my blood, and that’s not Razai’s fault. You can’t protect me from it either.”
She cupped my cheeks, her anger deflating just a little. “I know you want to live a little larger, Gray. Outside the box that I want. And that’s reasonable! But you have important things on the line,” she emphasized, reminding me of my heritage. Of the chance I was taking by putting myself in the spotlight here.
Like I could forget.
Ember piped up. “Fighting archangels and legacy bloodlines is a losing game for anyone. You should at least stop doing that. Let someone else handle Cole, or the next bully.”
“Like who?” I demanded.
She threw her hands up. “A teacher, maybe.”
Right, because he was so used to being scolded and put in his place…
Azra doubled down. “You are placing yourself in the line of fire. You’re not using caution like you promised.”
Ember added, “Maybe Cole just pushed some particular buttons. But I’m not worth getting stabbed over. That’s insane. You shouldn’t have done that.”
“Not to mention, you’re hunting a killer—”
“I want to help people!” I blurted, pushing myself away from Azra.
The two women blinked at me in confusion.
“But you already had been,” Azra stated. “You were doing that with your clients before.”
How to put this? How could I explain the tangle of my own needs and desires in a way that would make sense? They waited in silence while I collected the words.
Finally, I said, “I’m selfish. That’s the real reason. I like helping people, but I also want to push myself. Challenge myself. I will help anyone with a problem. That’s why I found myself lying in an alley, reaching for a fucking turtle, while Razai watched me from above. I won’t hesitate to help someone in need, but I can do so much more than that. I have the ability to help with larger problems. Problems that others can’t. And ignoring that reality makes me complicit. No one has been able to catch this killer. I am the only one who’s come this far, and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I walked away now.”
“Walking away would keep you alive,” Azra said with a significant look, which Ember caught but didn’t understand. “Safe. That’s not enough?”
“That doesn’t stop me from wanting. See?” I gave her a sad smile. “I told you. Selfish.”
Ember shifted around while chewing on her lip. “Okay, I can tell that I’m missing some important context clues in this conversation, but why is it selfish when you’re gambling your own life? Do you have kids?”
“No,” I answered. “Just an incredible best friend and adoptive parents that I owe my life to…” The words died on my lips as I realized what I’d just said.
Azra’s eyes widened in horror. The slits disappeared, and tears slipped down her cheeks. “Gray…”
I turned and focused on the trees beyond the window while grief clawed at me like a quiet shadow beast I never saw coming.
When had I started thinking that?
When had I decided that I owed them my whole life?
