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“This is wild,” I said, dumbstruck. “I didn’t know people like this existed. Much less groups of them. So, what happened after?”
One hand curled into a tight fist, the only indication that this memory shook him. “I caught wind that the Gate was going to double their security and that both Demonic and Divine were aware of a potential threat. Vang was desperate, though. Backed into a corner and furious. Said this was the most important time to show them how serious we were about the cause and bringing justice to our fallen friends. He wasn’t thinking about the people he’d be leading into a slaughter. Didn’t care that we were outnumbered ten to one. If anything, it excited him. Thrilled him.
“I knew, without a leader, his followers would lose strength. No one had his voice or his mind or his sheer force of will. I knew. I grew up with him at my side as my brother. But that person I’d known twisted before my eyes, or—” Razai’s shoulders drooped. “No. He’d changed over time. I hadn’t been willing to admit it until it was too late. Vang laughed when I reminded him about the lives at stake. Laughed. Said that they knew what they were signing up for. The power had gone to his head, and no matter how hard I tried to ease him off the ledge, nothing would sway him. So, I was left with one option. His life, or the dozens who followed him. The math was simple, and I don’t want your pity, Gray.”
Of course he wouldn’t. So instead of sympathy and empty condolences, I said, “I feel… I wonder if I could do that to Azra.”
“Would the Azra that you know take such a risk that sacrifices other lives?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Imagine if she turned into the kind of person who would. Who insisted on it.”
“I don’t think I’m the kind of person who could do that. I’d think of something else. Trapping her. Letting her get arrested, I don’t know.”
“That’s good that your first instinct isn’t taking a life,” he admitted. “It was never mine either. But Vang taught me one important thing that I will always remember.”
“What’s that?”
He held my stare, and in it lay the heaviness of a mountain. Sadness vast enough to fill the sea. “Hesitation costs lives in a world of politics and magic. I could have taken him out after the first warning shot, but instead, I watched him ruin lives. He orphaned children and erased entire futures. People with power should respect their own influence or else have it forcibly stripped from them. I will not ever hesitate again. I’ll trust my own eyes and intuition first. Every time.”
I sat with that uncomfortable statement and rolled it around in my head, testing its form. “Hesitation can leave room for more solutions, though. Sometimes, the obvious answer isn’t the best one. Sometimes the hardest path isn’t better.”
“It’s difficult to theorize without context,” he agreed. “But there are some things in life that change you permanently and reshape your entire view. What you have experienced, you can’t unsee. What you have learned, you can’t unknow.”
“You surprise me,” I admitted.
His brow rose. “How so?”
“You walk around like a person without any worries. You act like consequences mean nothing to you.”
“Petty consequences don’t matter,” he agreed. “I don’t care what the lovely administrator Quinn thinks about me. I don’t care about the ridiculous social circles of archangels and billionaires. I care about our right to live in a world that is safe and understanding.”
Razai was quick to shift to a more lighthearted topic. In fact, he didn’t even ask me to share something meaningful, about myself. I think he sensed how disturbed I’d been about his story. Not that he disturbed me.
It was the whole fucking concept. The fact that this ridiculous man who drove me absolutely insane had lived an entire life outside of these walls. This campus. That he’d faced impossible situations and utter tragedy and still come out alive.
Willing to smile, even.
Would I be able to smile if I had to kill my own sister like that? Doubt it.
While we rolled our eyes and deconstructed the news cycle until midnight, I found my respect for the archangel had changed. Or solidified, I should say.
As he shut my balcony door and fluttered himself up one story to his own room, teasing about slumber parties and braiding each other’s hair, I wondered about what other depths lay hidden in the shadow of Razai’s smirks and easy humor.
What could I learn from him?
How much did he trust me?
Why, despite every ounce of better judgment, did I just want to be near him?
Chapter Forty-One
The sky hovered like an inky blanket above me, and the cold cut through my pants and sweater—my subdued look.
Being immortal, everyone looked similar in age, and I doubted anyone would realize that I worked in the office in this getup. Plus, my hair in a bun and generally casual appearance screamed college student on the verge of a breakdown.
I should blend in just fine.
