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“Deep breath, babe.” She pulled me forward to rest my weight against her chest as she squeezed my hips. She went to every Lamaze class with me and was prepared to be my birth partner in Fox’s absence. And thank god too, because if she didn’t do it, I’d be alone.
She held me and swayed with me as the contraction worked its way through my body and then as soon as it was done, we went outside and got in my car. I watched as she checked her mirrors no less than four times before pulling out of the driveway, and she drove ridiculously slowly as I hid my smile from her. She was like a brand-new dad trying to bring the baby home safely and I hadn’t even had her yet.
Sadness swept through my chest as I thought about how Fox was missing this moment. I had avoided Colt and his cronies for months now, and I didn’t go visit Fox again after the sentencing. The way he told me he’d always love me felt like a final goodbye, even if a giant part of me didn’t want it to be.
It wasn’t like I could go visit him with a giant baby belly in front of me and pretend like he wasn’t about to be a dad. I told myself over and over again how maybe after the baby was born, I’d go see him. Except, I couldn’t come up with a good excuse to visit him when the reason he was in jail to begin with should have been more than enough for me to write him off completely.
Besides, he had been transferred to a state prison in southern California and then transferred again to another one a few weeks later.
All that information was available on the internet and sometimes, late at night when my resolve to be a rockstar single mom slipped a little bit, I would search his name on the department of corrections website and check up on him.
More times than I could count I wrote a letter to him, only to stash it away in my underwear drawer in case someday I got brave enough to send any of them. Sometimes I’d start at the beginning and tell him about our daughter. Other times I’d write to him like we’d just talked the day before, sharing things about my day and my plans for the next.
In a way it was therapeutic and a bit sad. For the most part it was just something to do to pass the time with. It wasn’t like it would matter in the long run given that he was never going to get out of prison.
“Fuck.” I groaned as another one hit and Maddie sped up a bit.
“Please don’t have her in the car, I’m totally prepared to be an aunt, your birth partner, and your baby daddy for the immediate future, but I am so not prepared to deliver her myself. Okay?”
“I won’t.” I hissed, “This is my first labor, you know they take a long time.”
“Yeah, okay, right.” She nodded and focused on driving, thankfully the hospital entrance was up ahead and soon we were parking in the lot and making our way inside.
She was off the hook for delivering the baby.
“I can’t do this.” I cried an hour later. I leaned over the edge of the bed and groaned as it felt like my insides were splitting down the middle. “I change my mind.”
My doctor smiled at me goodheartedly as she put on a pair of gloves. “I know it seems daunting, Delilah. The downside of being so far progressed means no epidural. I know that was part of your plan, but the upside is that it’s almost over and I promise you when you start pushing in a minute, you’ll feel relief from it all. Then your healthy baby girl will be here.”
“Okay.” I nodded in a daze and Maddie loosened the tie on my gown as I got up onto the bed. When I walked into labor and delivery, I was already eight centimeters dilated and progressing fast. It had been a whirlwind of chaos as I got into a room and set up for delivery and each time I looked over at Maddie, I was genuinely afraid that she was going to pass out from it all. I prayed the experience would serve as birth control for her teenage body for the next few years at least.
“You got this, babe.” She said as she ran the cold washcloth over my forehead. “I’m so proud of you.”
“I can’t.” I hissed as another contraction started again already, leaving me almost no time at all to rest in between. “I want Fox.” I whispered as tears filled my eyes. “I want him here so bad. He should be here for this. I need him to be here for this.” I spoke the words I’d kept locked inside for months as my fears and grief ran over in the moment.
My sister’s eyes filled with tears of her own as I broke down, “I’m sorry, D.” She squeezed my hand and smoothed my hair out of my face, “I’d give anything for him to be here for you right now, I swear I would.”
I sobbed as the nurses prepared me to push, I felt like a tidal wave was cresting above me and I had no way to stop it or get out of its way. I just wanted off the ride for a moment to catch my breath and regroup but there was no pause button on life. I had no anchor to hold onto in the middle of the storm to keep me afloat and safe at the same time. I had no Fox anymore.
“Okay, Delilah,” My doctor said, interrupting my pity party as she stood at the foot of the bed fully gowned and ready to go. “Your body is ready to push, this little girl is ready to come out and meet her mama. Are you with me?”
I took a deep breath and looked at her, letting her wise and experienced eyes guide me as I nodded. “Yes.” I swallowed and squeezed Maddie’s hand. “I’m ready.”
“Good girl.” She said, “Now with the next contraction, I want you to push for me.”
“She’s perfect.” I whispered into the dimly lit room as I stared down at my newborn daughter. “How is it possible for her to be so utterly perfect?”
“Because you’re perfect.” Maddie whispered from next to me on the bed. “You’re incredible, Delilah.” She ran the tip of her finger over her niece’s forehead, “I haven’t told you that in a while. But without you I’d be lost, and watching you hold it all together this last year,” She shook her head and sniffled as emotions bubbled up in her voice. “I’m in awe of you and the absolutely incredible woman that you’ve become in the blink of an eye.”
“Maddie.” I whispered as tears filled my eyes again. “Thank you. For everything. Without you I wouldn’t have made it through everything. So thank you for having my back and standing at my side.”
“Any time.” She smiled and sniffled again, steeling her emotions, “Besides, someone has to be around to spoil this baby absolutely rotten.” She cooed and my daughter stretched and made a cute baby noise in response like she was on board with that idea. “Have you decided on a name?”
The one hang-up I’d had the whole time was picking out a name for the baby, like somehow if I got it wrong, it’d impact her for the rest of her life. Which was absurd and realistic all in the same moment. That was one of the things I talked to Fox about in all of my unsent letters. I asked him almost every time what he would want her named. But the response was silent because he never read them. He didn’t even know he was a father. Which felt wrong, yet necessary.
What good would it do to torture him further with the loss of everything else by telling him he’d never know his own flesh and blood. Because I would never take my daughter into a state prison to meet him, even if it was what was best for him.
I had to think about what was best for her, because in the end, she couldn’t do it for herself yet. It was my job.
