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I knew that until I decided what to do about my situation, I needed to take care of myself and the little one. It was the only responsible choice to make, and I was always responsible.
Unless you count the time I fell in love with a biker who didn’t love me back enough to stay.
I eyed the soup and the ice cream and decided to be responsible, once again, and chose the soup. But in the back of my head, I knew I’d eat the soup first and then finish off all the pints of ice cream. Simply because I deserved a little indulgence.
I’d probably throw it all back up anyway, so what would it hurt?
I took my soup to the couch, forcing myself to stay out of bed for at least a little while considering I hadn’t gotten out in over a week, and turned on the tv to drown out the silence.
I had to do this right.
I had to be an adult and make decisions that no longer impacted just me. And I think that was the scariest part. I didn’t know how to be a mom; I didn’t know how to be a dad. I never had one of those.
And chances were this baby wouldn’t either. But I had to try.
I had to at least tell Fox. What he did with the information was up to him, but the moral compass in me pointed to telling him. Because if someday my little baby asked me why their daddy wasn’t a part of their life, I wanted to be able to tell them honestly that I tried my best for them. Because that’s the least they would always deserve from me.
I picked up my phone and took a shuddering breath as my palms started sweating and my heart rate picked up. I scrolled over Fox’s name that I hadn’t deleted because I knew it by heart anyway so why pretend and pressed call.
I put the phone to my ear and listened to it ring repeatedly before his automated voicemail picked up.
I took a deep breath, hating that he couldn’t even bother to answer the phone when I called, but pushed on. Responsibilities and all.
“Hi.” I said and then cleared my throat, it was scratchy and hoarse from crying earlier. “I uh- I need to talk to you about something. I know you don’t want to be together; I get that. That’s not what I’m calling about.” I sighed after rambling like an idiot. “Please just call me back.” I whispered. “I need to talk to you, Fox.” I hung up and took a deep breath again.
I was proud of myself for making that call, because he didn’t deserve that from me, but my baby did.
I finished my soup and grabbed a pint of ice cream out of the freezer. I was starving from not eating for a few days and the nausea seemed to be holding off for now, so I was going in. As I popped the top off the pint, I dialed my GYN’s number and took a bite of the creamy chocolate and peanut butter concoction.
Within a few minutes I had my first OB appointment booked for the following week and a sense of accomplishment as I ticked the task off my mental to do list.
Maybe Icoulddo this. Maybe I’d figure out a way to manage and make it work, with or without Fox in my life.
Because I think deep down, I knew he wasn’t going to be a part of this.
Three more bites into the ice cream the nausea set back in, and five minutes later I sent it all back up into the toilet, soup included. I sat on the bathroom floor with my back against the wall and googled morning sickness tips and tricks so I could get ahead of it. I needed to feed the baby and myself if I had any hope of going back to school in a few weeks for my last year so I could graduate with my RN degree.
I didn’t know how I was going to go to school, pregnant and then soon be a new mom. But I was going to figure it out. That’s what my life had become, just a series of events that I had to figure out.
A loud knocking on my front door startled my google search and I put my hand over my chest as my heart raced. Was it Fox?
Would he just show up like this after my call? Was that all it would have taken to get him here? Doubtful.
I listened for more and then dreaded that it was JJ or his asshat friends from out back, getting braver and actually walking onto our front porch. They had to have noticed that Fox wasn’t around; the whole town knew Blaine was dead.
They knew I was alone.
Again.
It had been quiet on their side of the fence for the last week or so, and I had stupidly thought that maybe they were giving me a break because my brother died. But I should have known better than that.
“Delilah,” A voice called out from the front door, “It’s Detective Dailey.”
“Oh fuck.” I got to my feet quickly, peeking in the mirror to make sure I didn’t have any throw up on my face or shirt and then all but ran to the front door.
Detective Dailey was the man trying to find my brother’s killer.
Maybe he had news.
