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I’m crying. I’m crying for that seven-year-old that lost his mother so young. I give him a hug. It’s only my second time giving one since my father left, so I’m still in uncharted territory. I hope I do it right. Once my arms are wrapped around him and he wraps his arms around me, it’s like his warmth is all around me, surrounding me, giving me comfort, even though I’m supposed to be doing that for him. I hope that he feels exactly what I’m feeling.
After a few seconds, or maybe even a minute—I’m not even sure how much time passed because I was so lost in the feeling—we pull apart. Mateo wipes the stray tears from my eyes.
“You don’t have to cry for me. It’s taken me a long time to cope with my feelings, but I’m in a good place now. But that’s beside the point. I told you to help you understand that I see you. I see your pain. I want you to lean on us. You can trust us. We will catch you. My brothers catch me every time and they are still here.”
I have no words or signs for what he says to me.
They do make me feel seen.
So, going off what I read in books, I raise on the tips of my toes and press my lips to his. Not knowing what to do, I just keep them there for a second or two and then I come back down. I turn around, wanting to escape from embarrassment.
“Don’t run from me, Pai. Not after you kissed me and I didn’t get to kiss you back.”
I stop dead in my tracks.
He wanted to kiss me back?
He turns me around and locks his mouth to mine. I follow his lead with the kiss,I think.He takes it slow with me. Slowly exploring my mouth, one of his hands going to the back of my neck and intertwining in my hair. The other hand travels down my side, stopping on my hip. He uses that hand to pull me closer to his body, and that makes me think ofhim.
And next thing I know I start to have a panic attack. I can’t breathe. It’s like no oxygen can get to my lungs and they are slowly shriveling up. My eyes are starting to blur, and I can’t see or hear anything except that night.
Pressure.
I feel pressure somewhere.
Focus on that, Paisley. Not on the memory.
As I focus on the pressure and trying to figure out where the pressure is, eventually the outside world starts to come back.
“Breathe in, Paisley.”
“Breathe out.”
“Breathe in.”
“Breathe out. That’s good, beautiful. Keep it up. You are slowly calming down. Breathe in, breathe out.”
Finally calming down, I look up at Mateo, and I start to tear up again. He probably regrets the kiss. I’m broken. I can’t ever have a normal relationship. I was foolish to think so.
“Whatever you are thinking, stop. I’m still here. This didn’t scare me, and it’s not going to scare my brothers. Look over there. They are all concerned and they just want to come over here and find out what happened.”
“You don’t think something is wrong with me? It’s okay if you don’t want to be around me again. I will totally understand,”I sign while shaking my head.
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and I don’t want to hear you talk bad about yourself ever again. Now, I don’t know what happened just now, but I do know I want to help you. So, back to what we were originally asking you. Why don’t you want us to go to your house?”
“I don’t want her to meet you all. She will beat me more after you all leave. She will beat me after the English assignments, but I have to do those for school and I need to have good grades so I can get out of this town at graduation,” I sign while looking off to the side.
“Okay, fine. We won’t come over, but can you come over for the next English project? Mom wants to meet you, and you can have dinner before you go home. We can even drive you close so you don’t have to walk as much.”
“I guess, but can it be on Thursday? That way I’m a little more healed up by then. I don’t own makeup, so I can’t really cover the bruises if I go to your house,” I sign.
“I’m sure Thursday is fine. The guys are going to be so excited to have you over. You have no idea. But I think I’ve stolen enough of your time, and I know the guys want to say goodbye to you too.”
We start to head over to the guys, and they say their goodbyes. I can feel their want to hug me, but I just can’t give it to them right now. Not after what happened with Mateo. So I just wave back to them and then turn around and make my trek back home for the weekend.
CHAPTER24
LUCA
