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I hear my cell phone ringing in the distance, but I ignore it. Whoever it is, fuck that person.
The next few minutes pass with the same feeling, a mixture of euphoria and something much, much more intense.
When the door swings open, I don’t realize. I don’t understand that everything is about to shatter.
I pull Iris against me and wrap my arms around her. “What the hell is going on?!”
It’s just TJ. He walks towards me, looking grim. His lips are trembling and his eyes are filled with tears.
“Tucker…” he whispers, not caring about our nakedness.
“What’s going on?” asks Iris, trying to cover her body as best she can.
I keep my eyes on my cousin. I get out of the water, pulling my soaked underwear up over my hips. I hear Iris doing the same behind my back.
TJ doesn’t give her a single glance. He continues to look at me, his lips trembling. He swallows with difficulty. Deep down, I think I know. I know what he is going to tell me. I think a part of me feels it.
Just when you think you’ve found a piece of the light, the darkness is always there to cover it up.
“Tucker…it’s Debbie. She…she…she’s dead.”
49. Saying Goodbye
Iris
Saying goodbye to my parents was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I stood there with my little sister pressed against me and watched them disappear underground, locked in wooden coffins.
I cried my eyes out and prayed to wake up. But it didn’t work, they were gone. I collapsed in the middle of the cemetery, whispering their names.
Again. And again. And again.
They were gone. Agnes and I were left to take care of ourselves. I felt as if my heart had just broken. The following days were even worse. I didn’t eat anything and cried every night in bed. Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of the nightmare. No light in my darkness, only sadness. And hatred for their killer.
Soon after, Rafael died. Then weeks passed, months passed, and the pain began to diminish. But the void that my parents’ death left in my heart will never disappear. A part of me will always be broken, although the other part wants to live and try to get through it.
Today, it is Tucker’s heart that is broken.
Four nights earlier, Debbie Bomley died.
It wasn’t a machine malfunction, it was simply her life being extinguished…while Tucker was having fun with me at a damn party. TJ came up next to us, his eyes filled with tears, and he gave us the horrible news. At first, Tucker didn’t move. He stood still, staring at something. Then I quickly realized he was staring into space. He was like…disconnected from reality.
And then he inhaled sharply and left, shoving TJ in the process. TJ shouted at him, but he ignored him.
By the time I came to my senses and ran after him into Yeleen’s garden, Tucker had already disappeared in the middle of the party that was still in full swing. I went to join him at his house, but TJ held me back. He shook his head and asked me to leave him alone. That’s what I did.
But finally, I gave in that night. I tried to call him, but it went straight to his voicemail. The next morning when I tried to go to his house, the huge gate to the property was closed. Tucker did not return my other calls. Over the next few days, I hoped to run into him in class, but both he and TJ were absent.
I need to support Tucker, to show him that I am here for him, even if I don’t know how to do it, how to reach him. He opened up to me, but his little sister’s death closed him off completely, and these four days have passed in radio silence.
This morning, my cell phone vibrated. I jumped on it, thinking Tucker was trying to reach me, but it was TJ. Simple phrases that broke me in turn. This morning Debbie will be buried, and TJ asked me to come over.
I lay my head against the steering wheel of my car, my heart beating wildly, my throat tight. The rain is starting to fall. The sky is gray, not a single ray of sunlight. I straighten up and look outside. I don’t know what I’m doing here, but I know I have to be here. For Tucker. I hesitate for a long time, afraid to show up at the funeral when he didn’t ask me to be there. But I want him to understand that I am there for him.
I get out and slam the car door behind me. I walk forward and take a huge path. The gravel crunches under my heels, but I keep my eyes ahead, trying not to look at the graves around me. Ever since I saw my parents disappear underground, followed by Rafael, I have hated cemeteries. Maybe it’s a phobia.
Fine drops fall on my hair, but I ignore them. I follow the path, my hands sweaty. There is a small crowd of about twenty people at the end. Like me, they are all dressed in black. I quickly spot TJ. Yeleen and Sarah press against him, their eyes red. Abraham supports Tucker’s mother as she stares at a large hole in the ground.
My eyes scan over the other people. A little ways away from the group, a tall, dark-haired man with lightning eyes stares at a white wooden coffin. Tucker. Black pants and shirt, hands in pockets, he stands straight, letting the rain fall on him. We are the only ones without an umbrella. It’s as if the water flowing over him represents the tears that don’t want to run down his cheeks, locked deep in his heart.
