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I position myself in front of him. “Dan, fuck…”
He runs a hand over his shaved head. “Do you ever think about it?” he asks.
I swallow hard. “Every second of my fucking life.”
He finally plants his dark eyes on mine.
“That night, it just keeps going round and round in my head,” he murmurs, tapping his temple with his free hand. “Debbie wanted to go to that stupid party so bad. A fucking party like the one tonight, right?” He throws his joint to the floor and rubs his head again. His muscles tense the fabric of his T-shirt. “We fucked up, Tucker. You screwed up. Maybe if you’d let her come to that stupid party, she wouldn’t have snuck in and ended up with Matt. She wouldn’t have run away and she…she wouldn’t have had that fucking accident.”
His words send a chill down my spine. I blink several times, trying to register his words. “So what? Everyone was sleeping with everyone else. We used to fuck chicks in public. Is that why you wanted my sister to come, damn it?!”
He stares at the sky, shaking his head. “No but…you…I…we should have known she was still coming.”
Neither he nor I speak. The gnawing pain is all around us. Does he think I don’t blame myself every day? Damn, the regrets keep eating me up. I should have tried to find my sister instead of hitting Matt. I should have known she would come to this stupid party even if I told her not to.
I KNOW IT.
“I miss her, man,” Dan mutters. He pulls a new joint from his pocket and lights it. “She’s broken on her fucking bed, but so am I.”
And he walks away into the night.
***
After ten minutes of thinking, I finally join the crowd, looking for a redhead in it. But I can’t find Iris.
Dan is gone, and I didn’t want to hunt him down now. He is in pain, but he doesn’t understand the pain that is killing me a little more each day. Every day I see my little sister lying still. Sometimes I think that maybe she would be happier if she joined my father, and then the next second I insult myself for having such thoughts.
I find TJ, hitting on a little blonde.
“Hey, where’s Iris?”
He turns to me, putting his cap back on. “Making out with some random guy over there.”
My body suddenly tenses up.
TJ explodes with laughter in front of me, holding his stomach. “Relax, man. I am joking with you.”
I have absolutely no desire to laugh. Faced with my seriousness, he points to the covered swimming pool, opposite the party.
“She closed herself in there with Yeleen and some beers.”
I don’t listen to TJ anymore and walk quickly towards the indoor pool. The glass door is ajar. I hear splashing. I enter discreetly and discover Iris and Yeleen sitting at the edge of the pool, their feet in the water.
Then I hear crying.
“Why do I always have to fall in love with dirty bastards?” mumbles Yeleen, finishing her beer. “You know what? He chose his studies over me, he’s moving to another city. Well, good riddance. I hope he finds a girl who will break his heart.”
I suddenly stop. Is she talking about Trey?
Iris finally sees me. She smiles gently at me, as if asking if everything is okay. I nod automatically. Yeleen notices me, too, and waves at me with a loud sniff, then gets to her feet.
“Hi, handsome. I’m totally tipsy but I want you to know that I love her, OK?” she tells me, pointing at Iris. “So if you hurt her, I’ll break your knees.”
Then she passes by me, not leaving me time to answer or ask her any questions.
Iris still stares at me intently, and I do the same. Why would I hurt her when she makes me feel so good? I rub my chest unconsciously, not really understanding how such a small thing can have so much influence on me.
“Hey, you,” she says softly to me as she straightens up.
