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I should be acting the cowering, battered woman.
But I’m not.
No, even the night we met in that alley, I slapped him. I fuckingslappedhim.
I never lashed out at Kyle. I tried to fight back once and only once. Tried to protect myself and quickly learned that wasn’t the best way to react. It only made him hit me harder and for longer.
I learned to play the passive opossum. Reacting as little as possible, hoping he would calm down.
I don’t think I’ve played opossum once with Jude. I’ve fought him every step of the way.
And fuck me if I know what it means.
Maybe I suffered some brain damage when he tried to choke me to death…
Gathering my hair up, I pull it all into a ponytail and secure it with an elastic that matches the shade of my hair.
Sick of looking at myself, I stride out of the bathroom and make my way to Abel’s room.
When Abel opens his eyes and smiles sleepily at me, I feel a moment of peace.
Everything is going to be okay.
For him, I’llmakeit okay.
“Good morning, sweetheart,” I murmur as I pick him up.
Abel babbles back at me as I carry him over to the changing table.
A table that has been set up with everything a baby could possibly need.
Once I’ve changed his diaper and clothes, I carry him downstairs.
As I move through the house, I can’t help but feel like I don’t belong here.
Everything is too new, too nice, and too clean.
The place gives me serious anxiety, and I can’t relax, afraid I’m going to mess something up.
It’s like living in a museum twenty-four hours a day.
When I told Jude this, he gave me the strangest look. Unable to comprehend.
He told me to relax and just focus on Abel. The maid will take care of all the cleaning.
Themaid…
If I stay here, I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to living this way. With all the dirty little nuisances of life taken care of for me.
But I know to Abel this will be all he’s ever known.
He’ll never hunger. He’ll never want for anything.
He’ll never go through all the shit I went through.
But can I live a lie the rest of my life?
Was it really a lie? the little nagging voice questions.
