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She gave him a little nod.
‘I was scared. Scared out of my mind. Of losing any chance I’d ever have with you. Try telling the woman you love that you were responsible for her brother’s death.’
Her defences splintered as her heart swelled and beat so hard she feared it would burst from her chest. He loved her. He really loved her.
‘Oh, Finn, why didn’t you just tell me that? Why make out that I meant nothing to you? You hurt me.’
‘I know, and I’m sorry. But I was messed up. Just wanted to push you away. Didn’t believe for one second you could forgive me, let alone feel the same. The guilt and pain was crippling me, Serena. It wasn’t until I read your letter. Oh, baby, your letter.’ He wrapped one hand around her nape and gently kissed her forehead. ‘I’m so sorry you went through that. But the more I read it the more I realised that for you to trust me with your past you had to genuinely believe Tom’s death wasn’t my fault. It gave me hope you had feelings for me too. And when I thought about what you went through... I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re so beautiful and brave and strong. You make me want to fight. Be a survivor. For you.’
She could barely speak past the enormous lump in her throat. ‘I was so worried about you. Once I realised you had some kind of survivor’s guilt I thought, I’m going to lose him too. I would’ve done anything to prove that I didn’t blame you.’
He frowned pensively and brushed his thumb across his bottom lip in that boyish way he did sometimes. Uneasy. As if he wanted to ask her something.
Serena laid her hands on his chest, felt his heart pound beneath her palm. ‘Finn?’ God, she wished she was better at this man-woman thing.
He seemed to think better of it and said, ‘I owed my girl a wish, so I went to meet this shrink.’
Serena smiled up at him. She knew she was beaming but she was so proud of him.
‘We do this thing...the shrink and me...where I have to come up with worse outcomes. She said it was really difficult, except I had an answer in a nanosecond.’
‘What did you say?’
‘You could have been there too. You could’ve been taken from me too.’
‘Oh, Finn.’
‘So I’ve started being grateful for that, you know?’
That was it. Moisture flooded her eyes.
‘Aw, baby, I’m sorry. I keep making you cry.’ Leaning down, he kissed away her tears, dusting his lips over her cheeks.
‘Anything makes me cry these days. It’s not natural!’
‘Don’t tell me. Boys don’t cry, right? Wrong. I cried on and off for days when my mum died. Couldn’t understand the injustice of it all. She was the most loving, self-sacrificing woman you’d ever meet. The good people always die.’
‘That’s not true. You didn’t die, Finn, and every day I’m grateful for it.’
‘You are?’ he asked, with that pensive stare she couldn’t quite grasp. There was something oddly endearingly vulnerable about him.
‘Every day,’ she assured him.
‘Let it go, you said. Make a choice. Forgive myself. And I am. I’m trying. But the fact is it isn’t only Tom I have regrets over. I’ve carried guilt for years over abandoning Eva when my mother was diagnosed. I was so selfish. Only thinking about the next race. But when I look back, the truth was I couldn’t take watching her die. Seeing pain and heartbreak tear through my family again. I went to see Eva a couple weeks back, to say sorry. She doesn’t blame me, Serena, not one bit. She said I had to let it go, that life was too short.’
‘I like her already.’
‘You’ll love her. Her and Dante. They’ve just had a baby boy and he’s amazing, and when I watched the three of them—a perfect little family—all I could think of was you and how I wanted that with you. How I could easily give up everything—the racing, the risks—to have that with you. Only you.’
She gripped the lapels of his jacket in order to stay upright. ‘You want me and you to...have a family? A home? Like...together?’
He gave a somewhat sheepish shrug. ‘Well, yeah, a family would be nice—but only if you want to. I’ll be happy just to make you mine. Okay, you look horrified. It’s too soon. I’m jumping the gun—’
‘No. No. You’re not. I’ve just never thought that far ahead before. What was the point of hoping for something I’d never have? Guess I didn’t think I was wife material.’
That, she realised, had been the problem all along. Her insecurities. If she was honest she’d never been able to wrap her head around Finn wanting her. So it had been easy to think his every word and every touch was a lie. To avoid the pain of disillusionment. Heartache. So she’d run before she’d got too deep. Though in reality it had been too late. She’d already fallen.
