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I tilt my head and soften my gaze. “Except you haven’t.”
“I envy your certainty.”
“You are just as certain as I am that you excelled in that exam.”
She laughs, almost reluctantly. “I forget. You know me better than I know myself—isn’t that so?”
“Not at all. I know you quite well—very well, even—but I suspect your nature is as complex and unfathomable as the deepest ocean, and I look forward to spending much of my future pondering its mysteries.”
“You might find more interesting things to do once you leave Spearcrest.”
“No, Theodora. You will always be the most interesting thing in my life.” I keep my tone light when I add, “Whether or not you choose to remain in it.”
“Well, you’ll have the summer to ponder over me, I suppose, since your sister has kindly invited me to stay at your house.”
“Did she also tell you she will be holidaying in the south of France with our parents?”
“She did.” Theodora gives a little shrug, a gesture of calculated carelessness. “I told her I would rather stay at Blackwood Manor and rest.”
“Did you?” I murmur. “What a coincidence. So did I.”
“Interesting,” she says.
“Isn’t it just?”
We stare at each other. Outside, in the distant trees beyond the cupola, birds sing the lazy songs of spring evenings. The sun, as it sets, grows more golden by the minute, turning the sky peach and pink above us. A dreamy silence rests like a heavy blanket upon the library.
Theodora is the one who finally breaks the silence.
“Why didn’t you tell me it was Inessa? Why did you let me believe it was you?”
Even though her tone sends a twisting ache through my heart, I keep my eyes firmly on hers and my voice light when I answer her.
“I didn’tletyou believe it was me. I told you the truth about me and hoped you would believe me. I didn’t tell you about Inessa because I knew it would hurt you to know the truth, and your pain is something I cannot abide.”
“You can’t protect me from everything,” she points out.
“I’ve not protected you against anything at all,” I tell her. “I didn’t protect you when Ishouldhave—when you needed me—no matter how much I wanted to. I failed in my sacred duty, and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to atone for it.”
“It was never your duty to look after me,” she says, shaking her head.
“It was. Mr Ambrose gave it to me the first time I ever met you. I made a vow I would never fail. In the end, I did.”
“You didn’t fail. You tried as best you could—I’m the one who pushed you away, remember? Always one step removed from a stranger?”
I sit up, narrowing the distance between us.
“I only ever wanted to love you.”
“I only ever wanted to be loved by you.” The sincerity in her voice is heartbreaking. “I was just scared this whole time.”
“And I was too blind to see your fear for what it was.” I give her a wry smile. “You call me arrogant, Theo, and you think I believe I’m better than everybody else. But I don’t—I always believedwewere better than everybody else. I put you on a pedestal at my side, and it never occurred to me that fear could reach you there.”
“And now?” she asks, echoing my earlier movement and leaning forward. “Do you still believe you’re better than everybody else?”
“How could I?” I let out a laugh. “Look at my friends, those air-headed, stubborn idiots. Sev laid his heart on his sleeve and professed his love for his fiancée in front of everyone during the Spearcrest exhibition. Even Evan, after spending so many years trading barbs and blows with his Sophie, has managed the impossible feat of making her fall in love with him. What use is it being the smartest amongst my peers if they are happier than I am?”
“Being less happy than someone doesn’t make you inferior to them.”
