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“Yeah.” I release his hand, stepping back and sitting on the couch. “So, what, you think your feelings for me now aren’t real? After all this time, your feelings for me haven’t changed, so that has to mean something.”
“My feelings for youarereal, Dolly. Too real. That’s the problem.” He reaches out, placing his hands on the mantle. “The guilt I feel every single day is eating at me. It makes me feel like a horrible person knowing I was not only in love with my best friend’s wife the entire time you two were together, but that the only way I even get to be with you is because he’s dead.”
“Stop. You can’t think of it like that. It’s not like you wanted him dead or were relieved when it happened. It almost killed you, too.”
“Doesn’t matter. I can’t change how I feel.”
“So then what does this mean? We just become fuck buddies? Because it didn’t seem to be enough guilt to stop you from sleeping with me.” I know my words sting, but I’m hurt. I feel used.
He pushes off the mantle and looks at me. “That was wrong of me. I don’t want you as a fuck buddy; I don’t see you like that. You know how I feel about you, but it doesn’t mean the guilt and shame aren’t there.”
“Shame?” I’m a little taken aback. “You’re ashamed of being with me?”
“I feel shame that I want you. That I couldn’t deny myself. That I’m in love with you.”
It feels like a knife to the heart hearing him say that. I open my mouth, but I have no words. Tears well up in my eyes.
“I’m sorry, Doll, I really am. I hate that I feel this way. I’ve fought these feelings toward you for so long, but I gave in. And for a while, I did swallow the guilt and forget about it, but it just keeps coming back. I want you to be happy. Youdeserveto be happy.”
“Don’t do that.” I wipe at the tears that are now falling rapidly. “Don’t diminish what we had. Don’t push me into the arms of someone else in the name of trying to sound altruistic and selfless. I don’t understand why we can’t work through this. We clearly love each other, and we have so much history and a ton in common. Why can’t we get help?” I feel like I’m begging at this point, and as much as my ego is telling me to stand up and walk out of here, I know that what I feel with Ranger is worth fighting for. I also realize that the circumstances of our life and friendship aren’t normal.
“I’m leaving.”
“What?” My head snaps up. “What do you mean?”
“The Texas expansion. I’m leading it. It was my idea, actually.”
I’m stunned. I can’t comprehend what he’s saying. “When?”
“Soon. Probably a month or so. The deal has been finalized on the property, so now it’s just a matter of assembling my crew and getting down there.”
“How long have you known?”
He looks down at his feet, slowly sliding his hands into the pocket of his jeans. “A while. Pretty much this entire last year . . . I mean, I didn’tactuallyknow, because it hadn’t been decided, but I knew there was a good chance it would happen.”
If I thought it felt like the wind was knocked out of my sails a minute ago, now I feel like I’m being kicked while I’m down. I audibly gasp, choking on my tears.
“Is—is that why you wanted to fix things between us? To get into my pants before you left?”
“Are you fucking serious?”
“Yes, I am!” I practically shout. “You treat me like shit for a year, make me beg you to fix our relationship, then you use me? You fuck me and toss me aside the second I tell you I have feelings for you?”
“It’s not like that, Dolly, I promise.” He bends down on his knees in front of me, reaching for my hands, but I pull them away. “I wanted us to work—Idowant us to work—but I’m leaving. I’m moving.”
“How could you do this?” I sob, covering my face with my hands.
“I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t want you to be sorry. I want us to work,” I snap. His shoulders fall as he plants his hands on his knees and slowly stands back up. “So are you asking me to move to Texas with you?”
He shakes his head, confused. “What do you mean?”
“You said that you want us to work, but you’re moving. So are you asking me to move with you? To build our lives together in Texas?”
“No, I can’t ask you to do that. Your life is here. Your store and your dad are here.”
“So you’re making the decision for me and not even giving me the option to make it myself?”
