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The fire withdrew, taking with it the enhanced senses but leaving the pain. And the fucking pain was even worse than before.
“No!” Another scream burst out of me, breaking on the end and turning into a sob. I punched the ground until hands caught mine, blood soaking the gauze on my palms.
“Teague, stop.” Fane had changed back into his human form. “It’ll be okay.”
I shook my head, every move filled with agony. “Why did it stop?”
He gently pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms around me. “You were so close. You can try again. Just take a break and catch your breath.”
I rested my head on his shoulder, my tears falling on his bare chest. “Why can’t I shift? What’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing is wrong with you.” Fane’s arms tightened, and even though it caused more pain, I’d rather feel him. “You’ll shift when you’re supposed to.”
My hands clutched at his waist, and I buried my face in the crook of his neck. I shouldn’t let myself be this vulnerable, but Fane made all my defenses crumble to dust.
“Nothing about my first shift was normal, either.” His gravelly timbre vibrated against my ear, soothing me. “So you can blame this all on me. It’s my fault.”
“What happened?” I mumbled through the waves of torment attempting to tear me apart. I didn’t expect him to answer. He never did. I just needed a distraction.
But then he spoke.
“I was ten and living with my mom at the time in a city like Vlehull in the Underworld. She told me my father was a shifter, but neither of us knew I’d transform.” His pulse accelerated, his heart beating faster against my cheek. “It would have been a full moon on Earth and just rising where the closest portal was. Pain struck me, then confusion, and…” Fane stiffened to stone beneath me as fine tremors raced through him.
“And…?” I prodded a little too eagerly. He’d shut down if I pushed too hard, but I was greedy, starved even. “What happened next?”
He took a shaky breath, and after what felt like hours, he finally continued. “I didn’t understand what was happening. I just knew that something prowled inside of me, tearing me apart, and it wanted out.” His chin lowered as he tried to hide his pained expression. “So I let it out.”
That last part fell from his lips as a whisper, pain coating each syllable. Something horrible had transpired. I felt it deep in my bones as if the anguish he experienced was my own.
“Did you hurt someone?”
Fane toyed with a lock of my hair, twisting it around his fingers as he stared out into the forest, his face straining like he was seeing the memory play out all over again.
“I hurt my mom.” He studied the scars and tattoos on his arms, his jaw flexing. “I didn’t mean to. Everything happened so fast, and I couldn’t think straight.”
My heart squeezed, and I lifted my head, but Fane wouldn’t meet my gaze. “You were just a kid. You couldn’t have known. It wasn’t your fault.”
Fane had said the same thing when I told him about the night his brother killed Jayla and my four friends. I didn’t believe him. He probably didn’t believe me, either.
“I would have killed her if Warin hadn’t pulled me off.” He shook his head, the moonlight shining too brightly in his eyes. “Even though she didn’t want to, my mom had to send me to live with Everette. She wouldn’t be able to handle a shifter, much less one with a half-demon side.”
I swallowed back the tears from his pain and my guilt. I’d killed his brother, but Fane was trying to help heal me while finally giving me a glimpse beyond his iron fortress. How could I blame him for not wanting to tell me—his brother’s murderer—his painful secrets?
“Warin was the good one. I was the dangerous one, the troublemaker.” His muscles tensed and swelled, craving a fight. “He didn’t deserve the fate he got.”
My lungs struggled to suck in air, and I wanted to crawl into a hole to hide from the shame and guilt treating me like a punching bag. “I’m sorry.” My words came out in a barely audible whisper. “I wish he hadn’t been the one that night. I just wanted to protect—”
Fane finally turned his gaze on me. “I didn’t bring that up to make you feel bad. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t have an easy transformation, either.” He shook his head, his fingers tracing scars on my back beneath the t-shirt. “And I guess I owed you after you almost died to protect my family.”
“Iwoulddie to protect them.” The Anders had shown me more kindness than most, even after I freaked out and hurt Preston. They didn’t fear or hate me. They didn’t want to use me, either.
The Anders simply liked having me around.
A shaky sigh spilled out, and I blinked the unshed tears away as the tension faded from my muscles. “As much as I would like to blame you for this, it’s probably me. Maybe it’s the Infernal Sol or something inside me that just can’t face what I am. I’m not human anymore, and I’m not a raven. Maybe I never really was.”
* * *
Fane’s armsstill cocooned me when I came to, silvery light speckling the forest from the moon now high in the heavens. His hand stroked my back beneath the t-shirt, and even though the temperature had dropped, he kept the chill away. The pain tearing apart my insides had lessened to almost nothing, a vast improvement.
