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“Ah, around,” Marco said, nodding, rubbing his hand over his scraggly beard. “I heard you went upstate. You know, to the fucking looney bin or some shit. Heard you lost it after being locked up for a while. Some people can’t handle that shit.”
My eyes bored into his. I saw the way he shifted. We both knew he’d said too much, but I was sure he’dmeantto say too damn much. His eyes darted around. There were way too many people around for me to do anything to him. He was safe. For now.
“We better get going,” I said shortly.
“I didn’t mean nothing by it,” Marco said quickly. “It’s just what I heard on the street, you know? Wanted to see if it was true that you’d gotten locked up twice.”
My chest tightened. Thinking about being locked away sent the same cold, sharp ripple down my spine as it always did. I felt the wave of panic shoot its way through my body, the shakes coming on, and the sweat gathering at my back.
Fuck, not now!
“What’s it matter?” I asked, staring at Marco.
“Don’t matter,” he muttered. “Lighten up, Gin.”
I lunged forward, grabbing his shirt as I dragged him forward. “You don’t call me Gin. I don’t know you like that,” I said, a growl echoing from my throat. “You want to see what I was locked away for? Huh?”
“Jesus Christ. Back off,” he snapped.
“Gin, come on. I’m ready to go now. Gin!”
I glanced at Ash. The look on his face made me release the asshole’s shirt as I stepped back. Ash pushed his hand into mine, leading me away without a word. He didn’t have to say anything. We wove through the crowds disappearing into them until we came out on the other side. It was quiet in the shadows, better. I could almost think away from all the lights and sounds.
“Breathe.”
My eyes darted around. I knew that voice, that sweet, almost timid, grounding voice. I sank against the brick of a building as the pounding of my blood filled my ears. For a moment, Ash’s voice wavered away.I wish Gianpaolo was here.
A sharp sting struck my cheek. My eyes fluttered open as I stared at Ash. His hand was raised, poised to strike me again. Instead, he reached out and cradled my cheeks in his palms when I finally focused on him. More panic was on his face than in my chest.
“You scared me!” he said, his eyes watering. “That look on your face...” He shook his head. “Breathe for me, please.”
I sucked in a deep breath. The smell of trash, exhaust, and the beer on his breath brought me back to reality. It wasn’t good or pretty, but it was the real world just the same. The warmth of Ash’s hands pressed against my face soothed me. My pounding heart slowed as he guided me through breathing as if it was something I had to learn and not what everyone else did naturally.Fuck. Why do I have to be like this?
“I’m right here.” Ash drew my attention to him. “It’s okay. I promise.”
Blinking, I sucked in another breath, and the heat in my lungs burned away. I pulled him close, wrapping my arms around him tightly as I buried my nose in his hair. I never realized that his hair smelled like coconut. He’d picked this shampoo up by himself, and he no longer smelled like me. I both loved and hated it. I wanted him to be so close he couldn’t distinguish me from himself. At the same time, I liked that he was... himself. That he had turned from a timid, scared thing into the person that held me so tightly that it felt like he was clinging to a buoy at sea.
“What was all that about?” Ash whispered. “What was he talking about?”
I shook my head. “Smoke?”
Ash patted my pockets as he went in search of my cigarettes. He pulled one out, slipped it into my mouth, and lit it. Once I inhaled, he rubbed his hand over my chest as he gazed up at me, waiting patiently for me to answer.
I grunted. Talking about shit made me insane. I wanted to go back to the show, look at cars, maybe smash Marco’s face into the windshield of his fucking Talbot Lago Grand Sport, Luxury edition, until he spat a few teeth out and begged my forgiveness.Prick.It was his damn fault Ash was seeing me freak out anyway.
“Benito and Enzo both fell for this asshole like six years ago. They didn’t know he was with either of them, but it all came out eventually. He was ratting on us, too, giving information to the fucking cops. One day I go out, I’m doing my job and get picked up for intent to distribute. The prosecutor wanted to give me the max, nine years behind bars.”
“Shit,” Ash whispered.
I shrugged. “We had a good attorney. Several of them. It’s the only reason I was able to only get two years. That seems like nothing—”
“It’s two years!” Ash said, his eyes wide. “I can’t imagine being locked up that long!”
“It wasn’t the time that broke me. I never liked small spaces, but it was more than that. Everything that happened during that time just fucked me up,” I blew out smoke. “I sat there for two years, kept my mouth shut, and served my time. When I came out, things were different. Benito and Enzo were weird. My friends who weren’t really my fucking friends had all forgotten about me.” I laughed dryly. “My mom died while I was inside. She couldn’t stand to see me in there. Every time she did, she’d just sob. So I told them not to let anyone see me at all. No visitors, no phone calls.” My voice broke as I sucked in another lungful of smoke. “They let me out for one day to see her buried. That’s it. I hadn’t talked to her face to face in a year and a half.” I ran a hand down my face. “I don’t know. I really lost my shit after that. Some guy kept talking and talking to me. I don’t remember what happened, just the smell of blood. I kept blacking out. After it happened once, it didn’t stop. Benito put me away in one of those grippy sock places.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah.”
