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“Sure wish I hadn’t heard that.”
“Leviathan, please introduce your friend,” Dad says.
“Of course,” I say as I parade Lex to the front of the room. “This is S&Mmhmmmmm Man,” I say, making sure to emphasize the mmhmm part so everyone knows how yum he is while looking like a fucking idiot.
“Welcome, S&Mmhmm Man!” everyone says, delighting me to my very core.
“As our newest member, replacing Moistman’s position—” Mom starts.
Lex’s eyebrow shoots up. “Moistman?”
“Yeah, that’s my beau,” I explain. “Because he makes you wet.”
“Oh… um… interesting,” Lex says. August just shrugs, fully accepting his villain name of Moistman.
“As our newest member, you get to pick today’s evil deed,” Mom announces.
“Well, how delightful,” Lex says. “I believe we should… go to a waterpark… and make everyone else leave so we have the pool to ourselves!”
“Heinous!” Baker announces.
“Ha! Sounds like anus!” Brandon announces, which absolutely everyone ignores.
“That sounds villainous!” Darling declares.
Lex looks over at me with a raised eyebrow, but I can’t help but grin. He has absolutely no idea what he’s just agreed to.
“To the mode of transportation!” Mom declares, and all twelve of us rush out to my mom’s SUV.
“Wait, we have to ride together?” Lex asks in surprise. The rest of us know the drill. Brandon picks up Baker and climbs into the back with me and August. I hold a hand out to Lex as he eyes the back hatch where there is absolutely no room for him, but we’ll make him fit.
“My lap is for Baker, but you can sit on my face!” Brandon says, like he thinks this is an awesome idea.
“Ha ha ha…” Lex eyes me where I’m on August’s lap, so I reach out to him.
“You’ll fit,” I assure him.
Lex doesn’t seem positive, but he still gives it a valiant effort as he climbs in on top of me before I use my telekinesis to close the hatch lid.
“I feel like I’m getting to know all-new sides of you,” Lex says as he accidentally fondles my groin while trying to find a place to sit.
“I had to talk Landon out of getting his mom a smaller SUV for Christmas because he ‘Thought it’d be funny to watch us all cram into something smaller,’” August says.
“It was just because I wanted to be forced to be closer to you,” I joke.
“Are you three a throuple?” Baker asks. “My wife recently asked about being a throuple and I have to admit… I’m intrigued.”
“Um… no. I mean… I would steal Landon from August in a heartbeat but that’s mostly just to irritate August because he never gets riled up,” Lex says.
“Ohhhh. I’ve seen the other man’s dingaling, though.” Baker holds his hands about three feet apart.
“Is he a fucking centaur?” I ask.
“Wow! Like you’d get to have sex with TWO people at ONCE?” Brandon asks in shock. “Like… how do you keep erect that long?”
Lex’s eyes snap to mine. “Is this normal?” Oh, how innocent he is. My lovely August was once just as innocent.
“Oh, Brandon, why don’t you ask S&Mmhmm Man your sex questions? S&Mmhmm Man loves sex questions,” I say.
