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“Fuck!” I yelled as soon as I was inside my car. None of that had played out like I’d hoped it would. A part of me knew it was dangerous territory to tell her no, but I couldn’t talk about what had happened to us. My throat had tightened up, and I was more stressed than playing for the football championship. She didn’t understand that it would destroy not only her but me, too. How, in good conscience, could I do that?
Feeling like shit, I pulled away from her house. I had to clear my mind. Learning that she had amnesia had been eating at me since I’d found out about the diagnosis. The more I thought about it, the more I was able to shift from hating her to realizing coming back for me had all been out of her control.
With a left turn, I drove toward Madeline’s. Brie had her way of dealing with the past in her nightmares, which was probably healthier than how I dealt with it.
Punching the accelerator, I sifted through everything I’d learned about Brie in the last few days, then allowed my mind to wander to when we were kids. The first time we’d snuck out after curfew, we’d met behind the barn and decided to kiss each other. She was so sweet and innocent. Neither of us had any idea why our bodies were changing or why we suddenly felt differently about each other. No one talked to us about puberty or sex. Not in the way most people would.
My heart rate climbed as the ugly memories quickly replaced the good ones of Brie and assaulted my senses. I checked around for any cops, then sped up. I couldn’t get to Madeline’s fast enough. Maybe Brie was searching for some sanity, but even if she knew the truth, finding peace would slip through her fingers, eluding her. I was living proof.
Minutes later, I turned into the parking lot, then zipped around to the back of the building. I jumped out of the car and locked it. I hadn’t let Madeline know I was on my way, so I figured the setup would take a while. Plus, I had no idea if she had one of my regulars available.
Pushing the little white button on the black box, I waited impatiently. A buzzer sounded, then I entered the building. The familiarity of the dimly lit hallway calmed my nerves. Once I went through my ritual, my head would clear, and I could figure out what to do about Brie.Brie.The girl I loved, the girl I hated, the girl who had amnesia.
I walked down the hall, my footfalls echoing through the corridor. Images of Brie filled my thoughts, my chest aching from the expression on her face when I told her I couldn’t talk to her about the past.
“Kane?” Madeline said, leaving one of the rooms. She smoothed her pink blouse as she approached.
“Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t call. I’m happy to wait. I’ll grab a drink.”
Madeline put her hands on her hips. “You’re not on the schedule to visit again this soon. Why are you here?”
I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “It’s my thing. You know that.”
Her blonde brow raised, staring a hole right through me. “Whatever you’re running from, it’s clearly catching up to you. Hon, this isn’t a kink you can have fun with. It’s destroying you from the inside out. I highly recommend that you let the beast out, then slay that bitch. You have your entire life ahead of you. Don’t keep doing this to yourself, Kane.”
I froze, her words ringing in my ears. “I don’t know if I can.” My voice cracked, giving away how fucked up I felt.
“You can, baby. You just have to want it bad enough.” She arched a brow. “Who is she?”
I chuckled, rubbing my jaw. “Is it that obvious?”
“What are you so afraid of that keeps you coming back? That pit in the ground can’t do anything except swallow you whole.”
“I feel likeshe’sswallowing me whole. As hard as I’m trying, I’m disappearing into my past again, and … it’s ugly, Madeline.” I looked away, surprised that I was having a deep conversation with her, but she’d always been kind to me. She never judged me, no matter how fucked-up my preferences were.
“Then let it be ugly. Get it out, Kane. It’s going to destroy everything you’ve worked so hard for. Spank that beast on the ass until it calls you Daddy.”
I barked out a laugh, appreciating Madeline’s sense of humor during a tense time.
“With all of that, take a minute and think about it. Where do you really want to be? In a dark, dank pit underground? Or with the young lady that holds your heart in her hand?”
My stomach clenched as I admitted the truth. “With her.”
“Then get your ass out of my club. You don’t need to get laid here tonight.” She flashed me a broad smile, then patted my cheek. “I don’t want to see you here, asking for one of my girls, for a long, long time, but if you need to talk, I’ll be here.”
To my surprise, I leaned down and gave her a big hug. Sometimes, you just needed someone to call you on your shit.
* * *
A few hours had passed since Brie had ordered me to leave. Hopefully, she had time to calm down. Maybe Alida had been able to sort through what she was feeling.
I jogged up the sidewalk to her house and rang the doorbell. Glancing around, I spotted her car. She was home unless someone had picked her up. Impatient, I pushed the bell again and thrust a hand into my football jacket’s pocket. She could see who I was through her phone app, but I wasn’t sure she wanted to speak to me.
The sound of the locks flipping open reached my ears, and I waited with my heart in my throat.
“Fuck off, Kane.”
She moved to close the door, but I shoved my foot through the opening.
