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Before he could say anything, I continued, “Five weeks after you left, my mom died. As you know, we were aware that was coming for a long time, but I still wasn’t prepared for it. I always thought you’d be there to help me through it, so when it happened and I was on my own…” I’d thought I was out of tears, but my eyes gushed full again. I couldn’t have hidden it if I wanted to. “I was doubly devastated.”
“Fuck, Ava,” he let out, meeting my eyes again, his expression laden with regret and sympathy. “I don’t blame you if you hate me.”
“You hurt me, then life hurt me by taking my mom.” I sucked in a shaky breath. “I was brokenhearted, but I never hated you.” Sometimes I thought hating him would be easier.
“You should have. I handled everything wrong.”
I let out something close to a laugh. “Breaking up is breaking up. Is there a right way to do that?”
He brought his hands to his face, ran them over it, then crossed his arms. I couldn’t help noticing the way the sleeves of his tee were tight over his bulging biceps. The Navy—or life—had done a heck of a job of filling him out.
“Saying I’m sorry doesn’t do you a bit of good,” he said, “but I am. I hate that you had to go through your mom’s death by yourself. When my mom died, I was surrounded by family and friends and I still didn’t know how I’d ever get through it. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you.”
“I’m sorry about your mom too.” I’d heard the news from Aunt Phyl when it happened a few years back and couldn’t remain indifferent, but I’d kept my sadness to myself and had merely allowed Phyl to add my name to the flowers she sent to Cash’s family.
He nodded. “I still don’t know what to say to that. Thanks?”
With my lips twitching upward in the beginnings of a sympathetic smile, I said, “Always awkward.”
“There’s something I want to clarify. The times we discussed getting married? I meant everything I said. I wasn’t bullshitting you.”
I tilted my head, studying him, wondering yet again if I could believe him. When we were together, I’d never questioned his character, never doubted the things he said, but his blindside of a breakup had left me questioning everything. I didn’t want to be made a fool of again.
“I bought a ring, Ava. I had it in my pocket that night.”
Everything crashed to a standstill—my heart, my breathing, my brain. I blinked, sucked in air. “Thenwhathappened?”
He shoved away from the dresser and paced toward the sliding glass door, pausing a couple of feet from me and peering outside. I watched his face in the dim light, noting the furrow of his brow, the slight pressing together of his lips, barely enough for me to see.
“I got scared,” he said quietly, still gazing out the window. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “Of everything. Of enlisting. Of finding yet another career I wasn’t cut out for. Of letting you down. I was worried I couldn’t be what you needed. Not long-term, not while I was halfway around the world on a ship. I wasn’t sure I’d be a good husband even if I didn’t enlist.”
“So…like pre-game jitters?” That was so much to unpack, and I couldn’t begin to sort through it now.
Cash shook his head. “It went deeper than that. As much as I never wanted to hurt you, I don’t think I was ready, probably not for any of it. The military doesn’t give you much choice but to get ready fast, but…” He shrugged, still not looking at me. “I’ve since proven I don’t know how to make a marriage work.”
“Something we have in common,” I muttered.
“Live and learn, right?”
“Something like that.”
Cash turned ninety degrees and faced me, leaning a shoulder against the glass, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets. “I hate that I hurt you, but for some reason, I’m glad we’re not divorced. From each other, I mean.” He offered a halfhearted half smile. “Which makes no sense at all.”
I nodded, because it didn’t make sense and yet I knew what he meant.
“I don’t want to be one more bad thing you have to deal with now that you’re back,” he said.
I straightened and swiped a finger under each eye, trying to level myself out. “To be honest, I don’t knowwhatyou are.”
I had a lot of years of hurting to overcome. I didn’t want to hold on to that pain, but my heart needed time to catch up with my brain, which did understand we’d both been young and stupid. Maybe he’d outgrown it. I certainly hadn’t, if you considered I’d made another bad relationship decision when I’d married Wes. I liked to think I’d finally learned the lesson that I needed to rely only on myself and make myself happy.
He studied me for several seconds, then said, “I guess that’s fair. Maybe I can curry favor with dinner?” His whole manner changed as he pushed off the window and went toward the food. “I was guessing you haven’t eaten for a while. Unless you’ve changed.”
He’d guessed right, I realized, as I tried to think back to my last meal. I’d had pretzels on the plane this morning, which seemed like a week ago. I kept that to myself, a little shaken that he remembered my tendency to forget to eat.
“I threw together a turkey BLT croissant sandwich. Pretty simple but Kinsey’s croissants make everything next-level.”
My stomach rumbled again, and I didn’t think it would matter what he pulled out of that bag. When he popped open the to-go container and handed it to me, my brows rose. The croissant was picture-perfect—puffy with golden-brown layers.
