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But she was slipping away. I could feel it in the anguish of her words, the tears rolling down her cheeks. I hauled her into my arms, wrapping her tight, inhaling the scent of her, desperate for her to stay.
She sobbed against my chest for the briefest of moments, her fingers curling into my shirt. But then she shoved me away. “Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
“I’m turning myself in. This isn’t going to blow back on you.”
She stared up at me with glassy, miserable eyes. “I’ll keep your secrets, Zeph. I’ll take them to the grave. Just…no more. We’re done.”
She was right.
I had to let her go.
30
LYRIC
The apartment was too quiet with Amelia at Lleyton’s and my grandmother still in the hospital. There were no cartoons on the TV, no little girl laughter, no records on the player Zeph had stolen for us. I ran a finger over it idly, then yanked the plug from the wall, bundled the thing up, and stormed out to the junk pile at the side of the building. Without ceremony, I dumped it on top of a stained mattress. Someone would probably claim it, or it would sit out here and rot with the other things the people in our building no longer wanted. I didn’t care either way. It just couldn’t be in my home.
Time ticked by too slowly. I didn’t have my phone to ring Lleyton, and logically, I knew that was probably for the best. But I did need to get it back. There was no way I could ask Zeph to get it from his mother though. I’d already asked him once, but then everything had blown up between us, and I wasn’t even sure he remembered I didn’t have my phone. I wasn’t about to go to his house and ask him about it. At this point, I’d rather deal with his mother than have to face him again. So I filled in time by driving into Providence to get it myself.
The house sat empty though. I walked to the back where the big glass doors and windows were, but I couldn’t see my phone sitting out on a countertop or coffee table. As tempting as it was, I was already trespassing on their property, I wasn’t going to try breaking in. They very probably had alarms that would send the police here in minutes. Wouldn’t that just make Suzanna’s day?
I left empty-handed and drove past Lleyton’s place instead, since it was only a few blocks away. His car wasn’t in the driveway though, so I kept going, knowing that even if it had been, I couldn’t stop. He’d been right to take Amelia. I appreciated he was watching out for her and I wanted him in her life. I didn’t want her growing up with the parental issues Zeph and I had.
But I counted the minutes until he would bring her back. Nothing felt right in my world without my daughter. I went to work at the club, went through the motions of the routine, did what I was paid to do. But I didn’t go to my shift at the church.
That was as done as Zeph and I were. My resignation surely assumed after everything that had gone down. I couldn’t go back there, knowing he’d be there. I couldn’t enter the church and see that altar, or the confessional booth, or his living quarters, knowing everything we’d done.
But it hurt. Every part of me ached for missing him. For knowing he was hurting, and maybe even doing something stupid, like turning himself in. I couldn’t be the one to save him when I couldn’t even save myself. Yet nothing about being without him felt right either.
I couldn’t sleep. I sat in my cold, lonely apartment with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders, watching time tick by, just waiting for my daughter.
After two days without hearing her sweet little voice, I caved. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I finished my shift at the club in the early morning and drove to Lleyton’s house. Adrenaline coursed through me. His parents and I had never really seen eye to eye, but I rapped my knuckles across their door.
Nothing happened. Lleyton’s car was in the driveway though, parked behind his parents’ cars. It didn’t necessarily mean he was home, since he had a penchant for driving Kat’s convertible, but goddammit, somebody was. Somebody who would know where he and my daughter were.
I thumped my fist on the door again. “Lleyton!”
There were footsteps on the tiled entryway foyer, and a bleary-eyed Lleyton dragged open the door.
I pushed inside, gazing around for a little redhead in cozy pajamas stumbling down the stairs with her stuffie, or for her to be playing with Barbies on the living room floor. “Where is she?”
Lleyton rubbed his eyes. “Good morning to you too. What time is it?”
I finally looked at him properly. His long legs were clad in suit pants, and a crinkled button-down shirt hung half open off his shoulders. There was a tie discarded on the living room floor, but no sign of Barbie dolls.
“Not that early,” I answered him. “I stayed back after my shift until it was a decent hour, but I can’t wait any longer, Lleyton. I need to see her.” I looked past him to the couch, eyeing the cushions all over the place and his shoes and socks discarded haphazardly. “Did you sleep down here?”
He ran a hand through his golden hair and squinted over at the couch as well. “Yeah, I guess I did. Didn’t mean to. This new job is kicking my ass. Didn’t get in until so late.”
I blinked at him. “When did you get a new job?”
“I told you about it.”
I shook my head, unable to recall him even mentioning it. But then, I’d been absentminded lately, too caught up in Gran and whatever Zeph and I were to really notice what was going on with my baby daddy. “I don’t remember. But congrats. Did your parents watch Amelia last night then?” I strained toward the stairs, wanting to rush up them. “I need to see Amelia, Lleyton. Now.”
“Chill out, she’s at Kat’s. She had her last night while I was working. I’ll call her.” He found his phone in the pocket of his pants and then pulled it out, blinking sleepily at it. His eyes widened, and he stared up at me in horror.
I grabbed his wrist, straining to look at the phone. “What? What is it?”
