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Fuck. He had my number and was probably entering my full name.
“You’re not coming? What’s wrong? Did Ginger scare you off?”
“No. I’m sick. Really sick. There’s no way I can sing today.”
“That’s no good. What’s wrong?”
At the words, I cried and thought about how I felt so alone.
When I didn’t answer he answered, “I’ll send Connie over with some chicken soup.”
“Thx,” I texted back.
And that was that.
The nurse returned asking if I had a ride home. Making sure my phone was on silent, I stuffed it back in my purse.
“My fiancé is out of town. I’ll take an Uber home.”
The D&C just made it all real again. I’d been pregnant and lost the baby before I ever knew it. After it was complete, I didn’t take in all the instructions, everything they said. They had all my labs back. My doctor told me in no uncertain terms, I wasn’t to try to get pregnant again. Not right away. Something was wrong with my blood work, with my thyroid.
Getting pregnant would cause a slew of complications for me. He droned on about how they could take care of it. Something about radiation. But I shouldn’t get pregnant during that treatment either. He also said my blood pressure and my sugar were way too high. He said by the looks of me, that was triggered by the pregnancy. Whatever that meant. And in the end, they made an appointment for me to see an endocrinologist six months down the road to figure me out.
Trying to wrap my head around it, I left the doctor's office in a daze. In the car, I checked my phone to see if I had anything from Hallow. Nothing. He was still on a run. Confused, I read over the paperwork. I had a referral to a specialist that simply stated, "Infertility." I stared at the word until my eyes crossed.
Back at the house, Connie waited on my doorstep. She’d brought soup.
Before I got out of the sedan, I stuffed the paperwork in my purse so she wouldn’t see it. Connie caught my elbow and helped me to the front door. “Girl, you look like roadkill. What on earth is wrong? Where have you been?”
“Just got back from the doctor. I have the flu.” Sniffing for good measure, I took the bowl she offered. “You don’t want to come in.”
Connie stepped back, mumbling something about not wanting her grandbabies to get sick.
“I’ll call you,” she said as I locked myself inside.
I didn't leave our house at the Eagles’ Nest all week. I texted Kingpin that I had the flu, and I wouldn’t be around. Never mind it was nearly April. Regardless, everyone seemed to buy it. The next time, Kingpin sent Alli to check on me. I guess Connie didn’t want my germs. Alli, on the other hand, didn’t care. I couldn’t get rid of her.
I never told her the truth, but I cried so much she figured it out.
“I won’t tell anyone,” she promised. “Hallow will be back soon and you can try again.”
As luck would have it, Hallow returned the next week. Since I had no flu symptoms, I simply explained I was on my period, a bad one. That I felt like shit. After all, I wasn't supposed to have sex for two weeks. And that was just the beginning of me refusing Hallow.
Going forward, I kept what happened from him because I was scared of the worst part of it. The doctor acted like I shouldn't get pregnant again. And talking like once I had treatment for whatever was wrong with me, I couldn't get pregnant during that time either. I was to be seen for infertility. What if I could never have children? All Hallow talked about was wanting to have a baby with me. Here we were on track to get married and have our happily ever after. If I wasn’t able to give Hallow a family, I worried he wouldn’t feel the same about me.
I kept the secret allowing it to eat me away inside.
“Hallow, would you ever keep anything from me?” I asked him one night.
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. Something you feel is personal but also, I should know about.”
“You found out about the pig hunt, didn’t you?”
Pig hunt? “What are you talking about?”
Hallow had been caught. He explained he hadn’t been on a run for the club when I was suffering a miscarriage. He was in Texas hunting wild hogs with Thorn and other members.
