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Every day on Katantia, the walls are caving in on me.
And I can’t escape it.
I’m not supposed to feel this way. It’s abnormal. I disgust myself. I can’t tell anyone because I’m supposed to have all the answers. Perhaps I deserve this. I’ve done so much shit in my life that I must feel this weak to ground myself.
Nobody has said a word to me about my outburst other than my sister.
The rest of my men don’t look me in the eye on other occasions; now, they’ve closed off even further.
I watch them repair the gym from afar, and it fills me with shame. This was supposed to be their project. They’d come here to bond and work out, having a sense of normalcy outside of the palace.
My life is a puzzle of agony. I can’t wait to find the next piece that will send me even further into the abyss.
Måns catches me spying on my men, and he approaches the car. He knocks on the window, gesturing for me to pull it down.
“Go back to your job,” I tell him.
“If you’re going to be here, the least you could do is help out with the mess you’ve made,” Måns says. There’s a bite to his tone, and I let it fuel me.
“Watch it,” I warn him.
“You should explain yourself.”
“I don’t have anything to explain to you,” I counter.
Måns shakes his head incredulously. “I can’t believe you. How are we supposed to take you seriously when you behave this way? You’ve been off for months.”
“Shut the fuck up and get back to work. We’re paying you, and you need to do your fucking job before you pass judgment,” I tell him. “If I want to, I can have you checking IDs at the gates. So, shut the fuck up, and get out of my fucking face.”
“What did she do to you?” Måns dares to ask.
“Who?” I’ve raised my voice, and some of the men going in and out of the gym notice.
“Ivy Lin. You’ve been spending lots of time with her. What did she do? I’ve seen her files. She won’t admit to anything, but I’m sure—”
In a rage, I get out of the car, and I slam Måns against it. He fights back, but I’m his boss. I taught him his tricks. He can’t fight me off. I could knock him out in an instant if I felt like it. “Don’t speak of her fucking name.”
I shove him out of my way, and I step back into my car. Turning on the engine, I get the fuck out of there. I do a lot of unhealthy shit, but that just topped it off. I’m not this insolent toward my men unless they deserve it.
Måns doesn’t deserve my wrath. He was just trying to get some answers out of me.
It’s the middle of the day, and I should go back to the office. My work pile is endless, and I never manage to finish. Working overtime is an engraved part of my life. Worrying about things that I can’t change is my routine.
Heat floods my face at the thought of having to go back to the palace right now. I don’t want to face my men, my family.
I can’t answer their questions like they expect me to.
I go to the one person that doesn’t expect anything from me but is satisfied with every scrap of myself I decide to offer her.
* * *
Apart from bearingresponsibility for the safety of half a million people, I can do whatever the fuck I want. I call Ivy’s office, and I have her schedule cleared. She’s in a break right now, and she’ll be informed of her new schedule in… three minutes and ten seconds, to be exact.
I wait outside of the Queen I hospital. Despite hiding in my car, I get recognized. Tinted windows are illegal in Katantia. If you want to fuck and drive, you better make a show out of it. Absurd doesn’t even begin to cover what this country is.
“Congratulations, Jordan!”
“We’re so proud of Alex!” As if they had anything to do with my son’s success…
