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I close my eyes with a sigh. “It didn’t start out complicated.”
This is good. I need to confess. I need to rip off the Band-Aid and tell him what’s up. I don’t have to spill all the details about my agreement with Kiera. There’s no reason to embarrass her by divulging the details of her sex life, but I owe him something more than platitudes.
“I had a lapse in judgement, and I had a personal relationship with her. I should have told you sooner. It was irresponsible and wrong. I’m sorry.”
“Did you have sex with her?”
After I kept the truth from Jake, the lack of judgement in his tone shocks me. He’s a true friend. “Yeah. But it never felt like just sex. With her, it was…different, man.”
“Different how?”
“I’m not sure how to explain it. I wanted more than her body. She seemed so sweet. Kind. Caring. But funny and interesting. I relaxed around her. I could be myself with her. I didn’t mean for things to get out of hand.”
Then once I had her in my arms, the floodgates to my heart flung open. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stem it. It scared the hell out of me. The fact she has the power to hurt me still does.
“In fact, last weekend I broke one of my own rules and let her spend the night. After the sex, I didn’t want her to leave. Hell, I never wanted her to go. I know I should have told you weeks ago. My only excuse is that I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even understand what I was feeling. I still don’t.”
Jake is silent for a long time. I’m sure he’s debating whether to give me advice or smack me upside the head for engaging in less-than-professional behavior with my assistant. I would hardly blame him.
Finally, he breaks the silence. “Ethics and a potential lawsuit aside, it sounds like you’re falling for her.”
I can’t. The last time I opened up to a woman, she hurt me so badly, I wasn’t sure how I would survive. This time, I know I won’t. “Fuck. I need some air.”
I push way from my stool and haul ass out of the bar. I don’t know where I’m going. All I know is that I need to get away. But no matter where I go, Kiera is there—her scent, her voice, her touch. She follows me. She haunts me. She consumes me. Physically, I’m running away. Emotionally, I’m still with her.
There can only be one reason why.
A rush of nausea hits my system. Jake’s assertion makes everything obvious now. The lack of sleep, the loss of appetite, the absent libido for other women except her. It all fits. Son of a bitch. I was so focused on Kiera’s emotions that I never took my own into account. I didn’t think I needed to. I’m falling hard, and I can’t seem to stop.
Memories of past conversations, kisses, and toe-curling bliss all flood my head. Every detail is seared into my brain. My thoughts are particularly stuck on our phone conversation last night and that tiny sob she let out before she hung up. Guilt that I made her cry eats at me. I’ve tried to stop, but the more I think about it, the shittier I feel. Am I protecting myself from heartache or am I just being an asshole?
A part of me so badly wants to call Kiera, apologize, and blurt out my emotions. But if I do, I’d just be opening myself up for more pain. And the truth is, she was never mine.
But you want her to be.
What I want doesn’t matter.
I let out a loud groan of frustration. I’m fighting this inner turmoil. So many emotions are hitting me at once, I feel frozen. I don’t know what to do. I want her, but I don’t want to get hurt. I want to trust her, but I don’t know how. I want to love her, but I’m worried she’ll never love me back.
Where does that leave me?
I drag in deep breaths of the warm evening air when I realize Jake is behind me again. “I paid your bar tab. You’re welcome.”
“Thanks. I owe you.” In more ways than one.
“Forget it. What are you going to do?”
Isn’t that the million-dollar question? “I don’t fucking know.”
“The way I see it, you have two choices. Figure out how to quit falling or transfer her to someone else.”
He makes the decision sound so easy. In theory, with a swipe of my pen, I could escape Kiera. After all, if I transfer her, I’d rarely see her. But realistically? Dodging her isn’t going to save my heart. It’s too late for that.
“Letting her go would break me.”
He shakes his head. “Transferring her wouldn’t be the end of your relationship. You could officially date her, then. No conflict of interest.”
“That’s the thing. I can’t.”
