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“I think you’ve fallen for him.”
“What? No, I have not.”
“Girl, you’re crying over the man. Face it, you’re in love.
I don’t want to…but the more I think about my behavior and the way he made me feel these past few weeks, the more I fear she’s right.
“But I can’t be in love with him. I promised him I wouldn’t get emotionally attached.”
“Just because you said you wouldn’t, doesn’t mean you have control over that shit. It just happens.”
“I need to make it unhappen.”
“That’s not how it works, hon.”
“Damn it. I don’t know if I can go to this wedding if I have feelings for him. The office is one thing. We’re busy, usually involved in different projects or meetings. I only see him in passing. But in a setting where we’re supposed to be together, pretending to be in love? I’m not sure I can bear it, knowing he doesn’t feel the same.”
“Then don’t go.”
I sigh. “I have to. If I don’t, I’d potentially be screwing the company out of a game-changing deal. He’d never forgive me and probably outright fire me.”
As soul crushed as I feel right now, I can’t not fill my end of our bargain. If I bail, I could be impacting every single employee at KH Industries. That’s both irresponsible and wrong.
Besides, what kind of coward would it make me to renege?
“Then when you go to that wedding, show him that his actions don’t affect you. In fact, put your focus on the someone else you’re supposed to nail in order to ‘graduate.’”
It’s good advice. I need to take it. “What should I do until then?”
“Do what he’s doing. Act like everything is normal. Pretend that what happened last weekend wasn’t important. Two can play at that game.”
In theory, yes. But my heart hurts so much… “I don’t know if I can do that without answers. When we first started with this proposition, he was so kind and thoughtful. Suddenly, he’s condescending, and I can’t find a reason. Something happened between then and now.”
“Or he just moved on like the manwhore he is. After he got what he wanted, he showed you his true colors. Honestly, I don’t think you should waste any more of your energy on him. I get that you want to understand, but be careful… If he’s cold now, I can only imagine what he’ll say in person.”
She’s right. I have to figure out how to move on and accept that I’ll never know Jonathan’s reasons or motives. “What would you do?”
“I can’t say. I’ve never been in a situation like this. But I see the way you look at him, like you can’t live without him.”
Is she right? Probably. It’s hard to think about walking away from Jonathan. It’s hard to imagine my life having only the most superficial, professional contact with him. I’ve had feelings for guys before…but nothing like the horrible, wrenching emotions I’m feeling now. They’re so strong and so real, I have a hard time believing it’s all in my head.
Deep down, I’m dying to believe the feeling is mutual. But I can’t hold onto that foolish hope when every sign he’s given me is that he doesn’t care about me at all. I have to deal in facts in order to survive our last night as more than boss and assistant. If I don’t, I’ll only be opening myself up to a heartbreak that could devastate me for good.
Saturday, May 28
Jonathan
“Another.” I slam my scotch glass on the bar in front of Ian.
“You sure, man? That’s your fourth—”
“I’m sure, Ian. Just pour.”
I scan the crowded bar. Pretty women are everywhere, including several eyeing me. None of them pique my interest. The truth is, if I picked one and had sex, it wouldn’t be for pleasure. I’d be using her to get Kiera off my mind. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us.
Goddamn it, I came here tonight to succeed where I failed last night. I’m determined to get laid. I never expected my emotions to betray me.
“Hold off, J. Why don’t you let me catch up?” says a familiar voice.
