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“Yeah, he has, Stevie. It started last Saturday—a reoccurring dream that he’s having every night. He sees you on a beach trying to get back to the ocean but you can’t because your sparkly blue tail is stuck in the sand. Malcolm has cried every time he’s told me about it, and he always says, over and over, ‘Daddy, we have to help mermaid Stevie get back home.’ When I told him the first time that it was just a dream and not real, he put his hands on my face, stared me straight in the eyes and said his dream was real. I’ve just gone along with it since then because I don’t wanna upset him. I told him that I’m gonna figure out a way to help you get back home.”
Stevie didn’t say anything. She just searched my eyes again.
“Are you okay?” I finally asked.
“I don’t know what I am anymore, Zac.”
“I understand.”
“I’m sorry that all of this between us had caused you so much pain.”
“I’m sorry too. I never intended for you to get hurt in any way.”
“I want you to know that I don’t regret having an affair with you.”
“I don’t either. You changed my life. Now I know what it feels like to really be loved by someone.”
“Same here.”
“I will take my last breath loving you, Stevie.”
She covered her face with her hands and started crying again. I did too and then pulled her back into my arms. We stood on her lawn for I don’t know how long, just holding onto each other and swaying back and forth in the cool breeze of this October evening.
When it came time to say our last goodbye, I took Stevie’s beautiful face into my hands, looked into her eyes, told her that I loved her again, and then we kissed. When that kiss ended, we stared at each other and we kept staring. It became apparent that neither of us wanted to say the word goodbye because of its biting finality. We weren’t going to say it, so I made myself turn around and walk away from Stevie while feeling my soul rip apart.
As soon as I backed out of her driveway, I looked over at her one last time. She was sitting in the grass with her arms wrapped around herself, rocking back and forth, and she was still crying just like me. Then she did something that I was never going to forget. She patted her chest twice above her heart and then pointed at me.
53
#timepassages
Stevie
I WATCHED ZACdrive away and when I could no longer see the taillights of his Blazer down my street, I slowly got up out of the grass and went back inside.
I was done packing for my move back to Austin. Standing in the middle of my living room, I looked around at this house that I’d tried to make a home for myself and shook my head. Was I ever going to be settled and at peace again? Would I ever be happy again? Probably not.
As I was walking into my kitchen to get a paper towel to dry off my face, I heard my cellphone chime on the counter. When I saw ‘Buchanan’ on the text notification, I gasped, because I thought what had happened between us in my front yard only minutes ago was the last contact I was ever going to have with him. As soon as I opened his text and saw the link though, I knew this would be it. Zac couldn’t say goodbye to me in person but he could do it through a song.
Before listening to it, I grabbed my bottle of Neptunia out of the cabinet. I didn’t want any tonic water and lime mixed with it this time. I just wanted the taste of the gin on my tongue, andafter taking two shots, I picked up my cellphone off the counter and then walked outside to sit down at the patio table.
I took a minute just to be still and breathe and ready myself for the next wave of emotions that I knew was about to hit me. I had the feeling, though, that this wave was going to take me under, and deeper than I’d ever gone before.
Looking at the link again, I realized I had never heard of the artist before. His name was Dylan Wheeler and the genre was a big mystery until about twenty seconds into the intro of “Tree Song.” Dylan was a country music artist who had a whole lot of rock and roll in his rich and soulful voice, as well as an alternative sound that reminded me of the lead singers from Pearl Jam and Soundgarden.
As the song continued playing, I realized what Zac was trying to say to me through the haunting lyrics. It wasn’t just goodbye. He wanted to tell me how hard he’d tried to stand tall for me and do right by me—and I knew he had. He also wondered if, as time went on, I’d view him in the same way, miss him, or forget him altogether. That part had me bawling, but especially the part of the song that talked about whether or not I’d find it hard to breathe when Zac was no longer around, here on earth. I was already struggling to breathe without him and always would.
After hearing the line “Remember me when it rains,” I turned off my cellphone because it hurt too damn much to keep going. I wouldn’t be adding “Tree Song” to my playlist. I’d never listen to it again and I’d also never forget Zachariah Dalton Buchanan—my exception, my soulmate, the love of my life.
Two weeks later
“I really hope my house sells fast. I’m ready to close that chapter in Dallas and just focus on this one here with my dad,” I toldMelissa.
“You feel good about the realtor you hired, so keep thinking positive thoughts.”
“I’m trying to.”
“So you’re just gonna stay at your dad’s house for now?”
