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“There’s no need to be that complicated,” she insists, visibly displeased at her brother’s suggestion. “Dan can just stay overnight and tomorrow go back to Amsterdam with his car. We’ve already got it all planned out with Dad.”
Now, a dark look falls over my friend's face, and he looks between Elise and me with no small amount of suspicion. “Oh, it sounds like Dad has a new son, then.”
It’s a gut punch, knowing that my best friend would think something like that. I’d never, ever want to take his place with his father. “It’s not like that, man,” I tell him. “Everyone just knows that I really enjoy parties, especially when there is an open bar. It’s just for safety.”
“Sure it is,” Andries mutters, earning him an odd look from Roxanne and Elise.
We turn the conversation to the upcoming wedding, but the mood is spoiled, at least on Andries’s end. He glowers at me between sips of champagne, and I’m becoming more and more certain that he thinks something is going on between me and his sister. What’s worse is that he isn’t wrong, but I can never tell him the truth. It’s eating me up inside.
True to their word, the couple can’t stay long. Plus, everyone else is beginning to leave, and this is the best time for them to depart unnoticed. We walk them back to the gate while the other guests leave through the main entryway to gather their cars from the valet. Roxanne and Elise exchange quick hugs, while Andries reaches out his hand to me so we can shake.
I accept, but instead he pulls me into an embrace as well, patting me roughly on the back and whispering into my ear, “Behave yourself, Dan. Just because she’s eighteen doesn’t mean you can fool around with her, understand? You made a promise.”
Feeling sick, I let him go. “Of course, Andries.”
He searches my face like he already knows I’m lying, but finally nods once and turns around to tell his sister goodbye. Roxanne glances at me from the car, right before she climbs in, a sympathetic look in her eye. It’s too much… I don’t deserve sympathy, trust, or anything else. I’ve betrayed my best friend, and there’s no going back now.
While the sister and brother are busy with goodbyes, I make my exit, hurrying through the front yard and through the frontdoor, past the people leaving. I’m so ashamed of myself, that all I can think to do is go to the guest bedroom alone, and hope that Elise catches the hint. I feel so strongly about her that it’s almost a tangible pain that touches me, but I was her brother’s friend first and foremost, and I don’t want to lose that friendship. The problem is, I don’t want to lose Elise and this thing we’re discovering between us, either.
I take the world's quickest shower in the en suite bathroom, dutifully ignoring my raging erection that just can’t seem to understand that we aren’t getting laid tonight, and crawl into the bed in just my briefs. There is still music from outside, the last stragglers making their way home. I’m so tired, body and soul, but my broken oath is haunting me. The only thing I can fall back on is that Elise and I didn’t go all the way and have sex. At least there’s that, and I plan to keep it this way forever. If Andries never finds out what we’ve done so far, then everything will be okay.
I wish I’d have just driven home or gone with Andries and Roxanne. I toss and turn in the unfamiliar bed as the lights from outdoors slowly extinguish. The party is well and truly over, and I’ve managed to make an enormous fool of myself. Great.
It’s not a surprise when, an hour later, the door creaks open slowly. In front of the dim light of the main part of the house, I can see Elise's silhouette in my doorway. Her hair is damp from the shower, curling just slightly at the ends, and her feet are bare. In an homage to her party dress, she’s got on a short, simple white lingerie nightgown, the dark peaks of her nipples visible through the fabric. She’s so beautiful like she’s from another world. Angelic, almost, and oh so vulnerable standing there and waiting for me to acknowledge her, but I don’t.
Undeterred, but clearly a little embarrassed, Elise approaches my bed and starts to climb in. I should continue to ignore her, or even feign sleep, but I can’t. It must have taken ahuge amount of bravery for her to come to me like this, and it’s breaking my heart into pieces to have to turn her away. The least I can do is tell her to her face why she can’t stay with me tonight.
“Elise,” I whisper, sitting up and taking her bare shoulders into my hands. She freezes. “You can’t be here. Go to bed.”
“We have unfinished business, mister,” she insists, clinging to her bravado from earlier in the night. Now, bare-faced and natural, it doesn’t ring as true.
“Beautiful girl,” I murmur, tucking one of those damp strands behind her ear, “I’d let you stay, but your brother is suspicious. He hasn’t said it plainly yet, but he knows something is off with us. I can’t lose my best friend over… whatever this is. A fling with you, I guess.”
She rears back, offended. “Afling? Is that how you see me? Just a fling?”
No, I think to myself,You are so much more to me than you will ever know.
“Maybe, maybe not, but I still can’t risk betraying Andries either way. I’m sorry, El. Really, I am.”
There are tears in her eyes, but I know she hopes the darkness will hide them. I don’t acknowledge her sadness, or the clear humiliation she feels when she ducks her head, cheeks flushed. I hate myself in this moment, but I’m stuck. There is no right answer.
“Fine,” she says after collecting herself, all the hurt and unsaid things crammed in that one syllable. “I’ll leave you alone, then.”
I fist my hands in the sheets as I watch her go, my heart in my throat. I know I’m a real asshole, sending her away like this, but the alternative is impossible. What I feel for Elise is far more than a fling. It’s more substantial than anything I’ve ever felt. It’s lightyears beyond a crush. With Elise, it’s… it’s…
Fuck. I still can’t face how much she means to me. Which, I guess it really doesn’t matter if I ever do, because my best friend will never accept me dating his sister. Even if I care for her so, so much.
25
V.D.B. estate, June 12, 2022
Elise
Tap,tap, tap.
“Go away,” I groan, pulling the blanket over my head.
Tap, tap, tap.
